Out of the Blue Text From Ex's Husband

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Late summer,  I met with him in person both to give him DV advice. I put on my Turkish hat and told him what I would tell anyone here.  This was after my ex punched him hard enough to bruise her hand. It was done in front of the kids.  If she hadn't told D4's T, I would have reported it.  Exposing kids to DV is a crime.

I had talked to him about DV against men,  though he seemed to take responsibility. I didn't try to change his view,  but rather present facts.  I also warned that there were no 3 strikes as far as I was concerned.  In my view,  this was my implicitly telling him I'd report a redux.

My ex told me there was another incident where she threw her phone at him.  Kids were with me.  He also punched her hand while she sea on the floor looking for her phone under the table.  She's lucky he showed restraint.  I'm not approving of either of their behaviors.

The day after Christmas I got the kids back. Because she feared D4 might tell me,  she told me the story. They both called the cops on each other which I think was Christmas night.  D4 awoke and saw the cops in their apartment. It was a Christmas miracle one or both of them weren't arrested. The cops told them this in so many words. My ex moved into another building in their huge complex a week later. H already had a room (just today, D4 told me she still thinks he is in the old apartment).

Yesterday, I got a text from the H, a pic of the kids. He said he had cute names for them.  I didn't answer.  I showed S7 the pic and he said it was taken at their old apartment.

I don't know why he sent me that.  It's odd.  Though I want to "rescue" him by giving sound advice,  I don't want any part of this drama. I saw the kids mom today. I didn't mention it,  nor ask their r/s status. I'll deal with the drama as it comes, which it's sure to. 

I think she is pretty stable now,  being separated. Him? I don't know.  Told to me by her,  his previous verbiage to her about calling the cops on her and the kids ending up with him is a little concerning,  but realisistically, it wouldn't play out that way. So I'll watch and continue to keep out of the drama.

[Turkish]

Late summer,  I met with him in person both to give him DV advice. I put on my Turkish hat and told him what I would tell anyone here.  This was after my ex punched him hard enough to bruise her hand. It was done in front of the kids.  If she hadn't told D4's T, I would have reported it.  Exposing kids to DV is a crime.

I had talked to him about DV against men,  though he seemed to take responsibility. I didn't try to change his view,  but rather present facts.  I also warned that there were no 3 strikes as far as I was concerned.  In my view,  this was my implicitly telling him I'd report a redux.

My ex told me there was another incident where she threw her phone at him.  Kids were with me.  He also punched her hand while she sea on the floor looking for her phone under the table.  She's lucky he showed restraint.  I'm not approving of either of their behaviors.

The day after Christmas I got the kids back. Because she feared D4 might tell me,  she told me the story. They both called the cops on each other which I think was Christmas night.  D4 awoke and saw the cops in their apartment. It was a Christmas miracle one or both of them weren't arrested. The cops told them this in so many words. My ex moved into another building in their huge complex a week later. H already had a room (just today, D4 told me she still thinks he is in the old apartment).

Yesterday, I got a text from the H, a pic of the kids. He said he had cute names for them.  I didn't answer.  I showed S7 the pic and he said it was taken at their old apartment.

I don't know why he sent me that.  It's odd.  Though I want to "rescue" him by giving sound advice,  I don't want any part of this drama. I saw the kids mom today. I didn't mention it,  nor ask their r/s status. I'll deal with the drama as it comes, which it's sure to. 

I think she is pretty stable now,  being separated. Him? I don't know.  Told to me by her,  his previous verbiage to her about calling the cops on her and the kids ending up with him is a little concerning,  but realisistically, it wouldn't play out that way. So I'll watch and continue to keep out of the drama.

[Portent]

Late summer,  I met with him in person both to give him DV advice. I put on my Turkish hat and told him what I would tell anyone here.  This was after my ex punched him hard enough to bruise her hand. It was done in front of the kids.  If she hadn't told D4's T, I would have reported it.  Exposing kids to DV is a crime.

I had talked to him about DV against men,  though he seemed to take responsibility. I didn't try to change his view,  but rather present facts.  I also warned that there were no 3 strikes as far as I was concerned.  In my view,  this was my implicitly telling him I'd report a redux.

My ex told me there was another incident where she threw her phone at him.  Kids were with me.  He also punched her hand while she sea on the floor looking for her phone under the table.  She's lucky he showed restraint.  I'm not approving of either of their behaviors.

The day after Christmas I got the kids back. Because she feared D4 might tell me,  she told me the story. They both called the cops on each other which I think was Christmas night.  :)4 awoke and saw the cops in their apartment. It was a Christmas miracle one or both of them weren't arrested. The cops told them this in so many words. My ex moved into another building in their huge complex a week later. H already had a room (just today, D4 told me she still thinks he is in the old apartment).

Yesterday, I got a text from the H, a pic of the kids. He said he had cute names for them.  I didn't answer.  I showed S7 the pic and he said it was taken at their old apartment.

I don't know why he sent me that.  It's odd.  Though I want to "rescue" him by giving sound advice,  I don't want any part of this drama. I saw the kids mom today. I didn't mention it,  nor ask their r/s status. I'll deal with the drama as it comes, which it's sure to.  

I think she is pretty stable now,  being separated. Him? I don't know.  Told to me by her,  his previous verbiage to her about calling the cops on her and the kids ending up with him is a little concerning,  but realisistically, it wouldn't play out that way. So I'll watch and continue to keep out of the drama.

Well it looks like she has cycled again. I dont think you can just stay out of this when your kids are getting involved in the way that they are. I've been the new husband trying to deal with the ex husband and I really really really wish that he had been more honest with me in the beginning.

As for the kids have a heart. You have no idea how much it hurts to lose your step kids, especially when their mom is a pwBPD. When your wife is a pwBPD the bond you form with the stepkids is far stronger than normal because you are picking up the slack for her, and as she cycles into the anger and rage phase you are trying to protect them. My ex was so neglectful that I spent way more quality time with those kids than she ever did. I taught them how to read. I taught them how to ride their bikes. I played with them. And I protected them from her as best I could, but not nearly enough. I did everything with them because she was too damn busy, unless of course the spotlight was on her then she was the perfect mother. I have a feeling that your ex's husband is in the same boat.

I guarantee you that he loves those kids almost as much as you and more than she ever will. Losing them is like a death. And there are no groups. There are no self-help books. Society doesn't give a damn about a stepparents and the pain we go through when we loose our kids. Its just 'though, they are not your kids.'

[Sunfl0wer]

Has it been 2 or 3 yrs post break up for me? idk

Yet I do know, I have thoughts of my step daughter and still wonder how she is, what has become of her and such.  While I know I cannot reach out, because it would be too complicated, it bugs me and I wish I could ask someone stuff about her.

Not saying you have any obligation to interact with him over this.  Likely I am better off knowing that no one will entertain such thoughts of mine as it is likely to cause me more hurt. If I could, I'd just want to attend a soccer game or such, but really I think it is better for me to grieve the loss of my SD. Yet, just this week I did get to see a pic of her on someone's social media and man, it really affected me.

Idk, I do think her and I for a time had a special relationship.

Sounds like for your ex and her ex, they were a bit toxic and inappropriate together, so maybe leading him in any way or engaging in him could open his heart for an excuse to be in her life, or get closer to kids or her in some way, idk.  idk really what you are thinking maybe just getting thoughts off your chest?

[Turkish]

It's good to get step parents' perspectives. Of course I was angry at him in the beginning but accepted it.  After that,  I never saw that he didn't not try to be a good SD. After I observed her engaging in step parent alienation,  I was angry again,  if not only for the fact that it hurt the kids.  I talked to her a few times about the way she talked to him in front of the kids.  She seemed to acknowledge it,  but it didn't change.  People are who they are,  but I'll give him credit for trying.  That being said,  that one he threatened to call the cops on her so the kids would end up with him is in the back of my mind, and that he took her phone for a while so she couldn't call for help (a felony, I confirmed both with my T and a cop friend) is as well. 

[Portent]

It's good to get step parents' perspectives. Of course I was angry at him in the beginning but accepted it.  After that,  I never saw that he didn't not try to be a good SD. After I observed her engaging in step parent alienation,  I was angry again,  if not only for the fact that it hurt the kids.  I talked to her a few times about the way she talked to him in front of the kids.  She seemed to acknowledge it,  but it didn't change.  People are who they are,  but I'll give him credit for trying.  That being said,  that one he threatened to call the cops on her so the kids would end up with him is in the back of my mind, and that he took her phone for a while so she couldn't call for help (a felony, I confirmed both with my T and a cop friend) is as well. 

What side of the story have you gotten though? I regret not doing more to protect my stepson from her.

[Turkish]

She told me the story. I met with him in person later to both counsel him on DV and also to tell him the same thing I told her,  no three strikes.  I texted him later advising him that taking her phone was a felony.  He didn't deny it and thanked me,  also for meeting.  I talked to him as I would anyone here,  and with no baggage or accusations.  Civilly,  logically.

[Portent]

She told me the story. I met with him in person later to both counsel him on DV and also to tell him the same thing I told her,  no three strikes.  I texted him later advising him that taking her phone was a felony.  He didn't deny it and thanked me,  also for meeting.  I talked to him as I would anyone here,  and with no baggage or accusations.  Civilly,  logically.

Is it really a felony to take someone's phone after they threw it at you? Look obviously the cops believed his side of the story more than they believed hers. Given the bias cops have against the man in these kind of casea that says a lot.

[Mutt]

Hi Turkish,

I'd like to echo everyone else, I think that it's his way of saying that he cared about the kids. Maybe he's inexperienced, he's younger, what is his support network like? Maybe he was trying to rescue the kids from your ex having seen first hand what she's capable of, maybe she's telling him things where your cast as persecutor, I get the impression that he doesn't know better, fortunately the kids have you to navigate them through this they could of had a worse step dad. I'd find it awkward to respond to a text like that, what are you suppose to do sooth him? It just sounds like a misguided text.

[Portent]

Hi Turkish,

I'd like to echo everyone else, I think that it's his way of saying that he cared about the kids. Maybe he's inexperienced, he's younger, what is his support network like? Maybe he was trying to rescue the kids from your ex having seen first hand what she's capable of, maybe she's telling him things where your cast as persecutor, I get the impression that he doesn't know better, fortunately the kids have you to navigate them through this they could of had a worse step dad. I'd find it awkward to respond to a text like that, what are you suppose to do sooth him? It just sounds like a misguided text.

I reached out to my pwBPDex ex's when it started to break apart. She had done a good job making sure that we never had much of a relationship. She didn't want the two of us communicating so there was a lot of lies and half truths used to keep the two of us separate. Maybe he could do it a little better. I simply asked for a sit down over a beer. But then again I know what it is like to be in that position. He cares about those kids, hell he probably loves them. Like I said it is a stronger bond than a normal stepfather stepkid relationship. You have to assume the role of parent because the pwBPD wont.

He doesn't know what to do or how to do it. All he knows is that Turkish is the only other person in the world who cares for those kids as much as he does. I would suggest that Turkish invite him out for a beer.

[Turkish]

In our state it's a Class I felony to take a phone like that from someone who is calling for help. The cell phone throwing incident was a later event, and the kids were with me that night.  The "punching night" event was earlier when he took her phone.  She had accused him of misplacing our son's belonging. He entered the home angry and threw the change at her to start it off.

I'm tempted,  even tonight,  to answer his text,  a week later.  I really could help and advise him.  However,  I have 13 more years that I'm legally tied to the kids' mother.  I have to focus on what's best for the kids.  I'm still tempted to say,  "contact me after the divorce and I'll fill you in, " but this seems like unnecessary triangulation. You can't save everybody.  

Edit: I just answered his text. I hope I'm not going to regret this... .Turkish hat 

[bravhart1]

You've always seemed very even and level headed in regards to your ex and her new H, and given the circumstances I know that it couldn't have been easy.

He's probably just really confused and wondering how to get over her, through to her, and make her be normal. None of which are going to happen. You had to learn it and so will he.

I guess I'm saying, I would in your shoes, answer his text and be as matter of fact about it all as you can.

As a side note here: a few months back my ex ( not BPD) had broken up with his long term gf. She was pretty distraught having learned as I had that he's a cheater. She wanted to meet for coffee and I agreed. (We had always been friendly and shared many family occasions and holidays so not at all weird).
Anyway she and I talked and I told her that while I thought his cheating was unkind and hurtful, it was who he is, and she could accept it and try to work it out or decide as I had that it was intolerable.

That's about all there was. Fast forward to months ahead, they are back together and in a bad moment (she had caught him cheating again) she shared our coffee discussion, only she expanded it in a way that he got caught up in and he railed at me. I wasn't having it, and this ended our friendship, we've been divorced for six years and had maintained a very good relationship, which made our children's lives much easier. Now they are over (again) and our friendship is also done. I kind of wish I hadn't tried to help her. My kids enjoyed a much easier time at holidays and vactions when they didn't have to do double time. But I feel pretty strongly that its too broken to fix, I could forgive some of his hurtful speech, but I could not forget. No good deed... .