How am I coping with the using?

[Mamadukes]

Where to begin?  Thanks everyone; this sharing is amazing. Our common experiences are endlessly interesting, inspiring, and validating.

Wendydarling, thanks for the "challenge ourselves" tips in the face of boundary busters.

Hey Lollypop! How am I coping with the using? Hmmmmmm... .

First of all, I would say I'm finding a new level of acceptance that we are in this for the long-run. No easy answers, no quick fixes, and this is going to take however long this is going to take. IT IS UP TO HIM. I am experimenting with a mini-boundary, but not sure I'm on the right track with this one. I understand that it's best to start small with boundaries/limits. It's clear to me that I can't directly influence BPDs26's actual using/frequency/patterns etc. So my "small" (haha, not so small) request is that he not use his most dire language as his lead-up to using (cocaine) in the home we share. When he starts to crave (or surrender to the drive to escape his pain), he tends to escalate to suicide talk: don't want to go on, want to be gone/dead, no point in going on... .and worse). I chose this boundary request for ME (relief from that language) and to possibly help him be more aware of this pattern (the "style" of his lead-up to using). I am so sick and tired of this pattern. But I may need to rethink this request, because there's no solid consequence when he uses this dire language, other than me pointing it out and reminding him to try to express himself another way. This has been very modestly fruitful, and I'll continue to experiment with it a bit longer before I perhaps add something new to the mix.

He has barely dabbled at 12-step. Group work in general is tough for him these days due to pretty extreme social anxiety. Ironically, he is kind of a high-functioning BP when it comes to group; he can be a very effective group member, but so often he "hates" it. He was in an out-patient rehab program for a couple of months last fall; that quickly fizzled out (though the psychiatrist there was the one who promptly concurred and made the official BPD diagnosis when WE DISCOVERED the match -- bless her!). During that outpatient rehab experience he flirted with accepting an in-patient admission, but that quickly fell apart. He has never done in-patient rehab.

Next came admission to an intensive outpatient BPD program. He lasted there for a couple of months.

I take comfort, if you will, in the fact that it is often difficult for BPs to stick with treatment. Incredibly frustrating, right? I asked his therapist at the BPD program if I should give my BPDs26 an ultimatum (vis-a-vis staying with the program) and the therapist said "I'm not sure what you mean by ultimatum." OK, I get it. Honestly, I am swiftly learning that less is more. We cannot make it happen for our BP.

I. Cannot. Fix. This. [wink]

Now he is not in treatment. All of the above has been important (along with the prior 12-yrs of intermittent treatment). But finally having the BPD diagnosis, and tapping into the vast array of potentially effective strategies and tools is by far the most important shift we've ever had. I guess it's common for the BP's loved ones to enjoy this newfound optimism. HE sometimes wishes he did not have the diagnosis -- now he "can't pretend this will go away." For ME at this time, it's all about learning everything I can about how to best be supportive.

And, from JustWantMyJoyBack -- three cheers for taking care of ourselves. This is fundamental, for sure!

Thanks everybody xoxox

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hello Marmadukes

You are right, it surely helps to have the right diagnosis, 12 years is a long time for your son and you.  . I hope sharing this helps. Here is how it was for me - I was rightly confused about what was happening for my DD until the diagnosis 18mths ago after a number of hospitalisations. My now 28DD spent her time many yrs waiting for me to get my act together to understand her suffering, change my approach and be able to walk the journey with her and that's were we are, small steps, a loving, caring and growing environment, 10mths DBT outpatients treatment.

I'm so sorry your son's addicted to cocaine and the distress that you feel, you want to help him move forwards and respect you and the home. Have you considered for him to take the drug it has to be outside your home? You're right he can't hide, less you allow him and he maybe waiting for you to help him on his way by using the tools/skills. It's good to talk Marmadukes and think things through 

WDx

[Lollypop]

Hi marmadukes

My BPDs26 claims that he is more comfortable with misfits and the homeless. Highly emotional and highly tuned to their pain, I think he feels he can help them, I've never let my BPDs be homeless and I sometimes wonder if I had if it would have saved us all a lot of pain.  Some said in the forum that kicking them out was the best thing they'd ever did, I just couldn't.

I'm lucky because my BPDs is progressing. I've come a long way in the journey and if he does something very stupid I'll not hesitate to tell him to leave. We have a good relationship now and I've got the skillset (hopefully) to do this in a loving way. We are always available emotionally,  We have our own life and just aren't prepared to financially support an adult child. If he's unable to work then he needs to seek benefits etc. I won't do that for him but would obviously encourage him,

I only have a few boundaries : no drugs used  in the house, no smoking in the house, I don't give him any money.

There's some limits: financial contribution to his living expenses. I keep it simple. Hes responsible for his own laundry, car stuff  and managing his works and finances. Basically I leave him to it and only get involved if he seeks support. I keep the limits flexible as sometimes he's just unwell so we agree payment the following week. I try and make it realistic. I do not confuse things: say ask him to do jobs in return for anything.

He's a quiet BPD so doesn't rage. He keeps himself clean. It makes it easier

Is your son in treatment?
Is he working?
Is he in meds?

LP

[Mamadukes]

Hey Lollypop,

What a great response, thank you. We too "have a good relationship [always have had] and [I am gaining] the skillset (hopefully) to do this in a loving way. We are always available emotionally."  (forgive my choppy personalization of your sentence.)

BPDs26 is not in treatment at the moment, not working, and not on meds. Eeek. But this is temporary; he'll swing around. We had a tough year 2016 (two of my sisters passed away) and while my son was in treatment off and on that whole time, he struggled a lot with all of this, my absences... .and then at the end of the year we figured out the BPD diagnosis on top of it all. He needs to come to terms with the diagnosis at his own pace I think (within reason). He is aware, no denial; just disappointed with everything. He has run the gamut of treatment over the years; need to get it moving again asap of course, emphasis on BP and/or substance use now.

I really appreciate the rundown on your limits. Very helpful food for thought. You sound like a tender and loving family (as I think of ours), always working to find the best framework for life with this wicked disorder.

May I ask: if your son is using, and not allowed to at home, is it in the homes of friends?

My son is a wonderful person. He has his work cut out for him with these challenges, and he is so sad and angry. He does rage, but it has always been "manageable" and I am never physically threatened; and now I have some new tools in relation to that, for what it's worth. In his most depressed phases he does have some trouble with grooming, but that is cyclical and not a huge issue.

Thanks again Lollypop.
In solidarity,
MamaD

[Lollypop]

Hi marmadukes

BPD and drugs are a complicated mix and it's difficult to navigate our way through. What's right, what's wrong. They're having a bad day, drugs or another BPD trigger? My BPDs spends a lot of his waking day when anxious thinking about his body, addiction, withdrawal; its obsessive.

My BPDs has one close friend left. He lives very close by but the friend  has got himself a good job, has functioning GF so he'll be "growing" with speed if it goes well for him. He'll be moving on most probably this year, he's a very good friend, despite being a "stoner".

My BPDs has other "friends" but they've not been supportive of the diagnosis, his mood swings and to be honest just aren't in the same league intellectually so my BPDs has withdrawn. His other friend who's been great long term lives about 30 miles away with everything going for him has slippped into cocaine use and my BPDs has missed the last three reunions. My BPDs is very critical of this friend; black/white thinking,  

Friendships are hard. We feel stronger in groups, as most friends grow up and develop our BPDs get left behind. But they don't want what their friends have but desperately do want it at the same time. It's just so sad.

My BPDs smokes weed at night. He takes a diazepam when he gets home to help him sleep. I think he spends a very large proportion of his wages on weed. If his friend isn't around my BPDs will smoke in his car and then come home. He's obviously not safe. He thinks his dealer and his father (also a dealer) are close friends (maybe they are!).  His car reeks!

My BPDs had  a spell on cocaine driven by alcohol. He gave up alcohol 5 years ago and so cocaine isn't his thing. Opiates like nurofen plus,codeine, are his weakness but as far as I'm aware it's been about 9 months clear of them.

We clearly enable but I'm hopeful he'll eventually be drug free one day. Regardless, he has to find a way to live independently.  We've been working on financial management skills for the last 16 months.  He works, pays us rent, bought stuff like his car and computer, has Phone contract and saved up for training course. This is unheard of!  I guess he was ready but needed the help to nudge him along.

Are you fully financially supporting your son at the moment.

When was the last time he worked?

Has he had any personal relationships? My BPDs26 has a very young 18 yr old gf (tricky!).

You sound like a great dad. You can arm yourself with the toolkit you need, so your son can benefit. Demonstrating the behaviours we want to see in them really does work.

LP

[Lollypop]

Hey MAMA DUKES!

I think I put dad! And you're a mama!

Just one more thing.

There has to be a motivation to change. 

LP

[Mamadukes]

LOL, I'm glad I sound like a great dad since my son-of-a-single-mom always needed a dad. But that's a whole 'nother (relevant) story.

Thanks again Lollypop for all of this wonderful sharing. Seriously, this is amazing. And you sound like a great mom.

Your focus on your son's financial management seems like a great strategy at this stage for him. (Wish we were at that stage here.)

To answer your questions:

Are you fully financially supporting your son at the moment.  Yes.

When was the last time he worked?   He has historically been pretty good at holding jobs, but that has deteriorated over the past year (a particularly tough year for our family for many reasons). His last flirtation with work was back in November, but that hardly counts because he quit within days. A couple of months before that was one that he quit after a week or two. The one before that lasted maybe a couple of months. And it gets progressively MUCH better going backwards from there. This is mostly restaurant work. He actually has a fairly sophisticated resume in that industry, and used to be a valued employee, though he'd love to move on from that kind of work in the future.
     I'm sure we can say that the deterioration in his work life is a combination of our tough couple of years due to other family illnesses PLUS the downward spiral with his symptoms which culminated in the BP diagnosis late last year. He is itching to get back to work and try to find new friends, which of course I celebrate, but he is extremely unstable (and not in treatment) at this time, and far from functioning well enough for even a part-time job right now. Work and new friends are goals that we talk about and are eager for him to pursue. But first things first. A few hours of work will be great for him as soon as possible.

Has he had any personal relationships? My BPDs26 has a very young 18 yr old gf (tricky!).  
Well some 18 yr olds are very mature. I hope she's one of them!
     My BPDs26 (hey everybody, Lollypop and Mamadukes have the same age BP sons)... .has had a couple of successful and relatively long term relationships, but that's starting to be several years back. Since then he's only had one or two shorter flings. This is tough for him, and high on the list along with a job and friends.
    Thanks for sharing about your son's current friendships. This is tough for my son now too. He's pretty much down to one "close" friend (who is a little tricky with ADHD), and at this point they've been out of touch for a few months and that gets VERY complicated for my son -- embarrassing and difficult to reconnect -- so he gets into a whole thing of avoiding the friend's texts, and then that leads to him not being able to look at his phone. Very messy and sad. For a couple of weeks now a dear friend that goes way back (his "brother" has been in town, and that has been great. Complex as heck, but a welcome interruption of his friendlessness. Too bad that friend will be leaving in a week. And his departure will probably have repercussions. Ugh.

And finally, you said "there has to be motivation to change." YES YES YES. And I would add that there has to be some sense of hope in order to feel motivation. And hopelessness is such a big problem for my BPDs. So I like to share little nuggets that I think could possibly promote hope (I always have to choose my timing very gingerly). I find some of those nuggets in the two books I'm married to right now: I Hate You -- Don't Leave Me, and Stop Walking on Eggshells. I can't get enough of this stuff. Sometimes I am able to read a little passage to my son and he actually appreciates it.

All book recommendations are welcome! I have an Xavier Amador book and a Valerie Porr book on hold at the library. I also love Randi Kreger's Essential Family Guide.

MamaD

PS: I hope I'm not writing too much! I'll probably slow down soon. I've just been so excited about this community 


     

[jellibeans]

How am I coping with using? I have strong boundaries and zero tolerance. This is the stance I have taken after a long three years of trying to help my dd19. Here is where the problem lies... .although she has a mental illness and there is one way to help with that... .when it comes to addiction there is also a clear approach and the two are hard to merge at times.

On the one hand she has BPD and there are certain ways to communicate and interact with her but that doesn't help with the addict. I think you can't just focus on the mental illness side... .with that I start making excuses for my dd and she already has enough excuses as to why she can't stop using.

I feel if I let my dd live at home and ignore her drug use then I am actively participating in her death. I really see it that way. I feel I am helping her kill herself and I just can't allow myself to be a part of that. I feel I need to understand what I have control over and what I don't. I can not control what my daughter does... .I can only have boundaries in place that allow my family to live as happily as possible and protect my home from someone who is deep in addiction. Only she can make the steps forward towards sobriety and that is why she no longer lives in our home.

She relapsed on heroin and that scares the hell out of me. There comes a time when distance is needed between your child and yourself. You can't let your child drag you down with their addiction. Let go or be dragged!

My DD19 is back in sober living and just got a job yesterday... .very good news and I hope it is a start to a new beginning for her but in the meantime I am keeping a healthy distance. Allowing her to figure out her problems on her own and feel the natural consequences for her choices. We are here to help as long as she want to stay sober... .I will not help her kill herself.