My Husband has BPD

[devastatedwife]

15 years ago my husband was diagnosed with Bi Polar but medicines never seemed to help and in fact seemed to make it works.  8 years ago he decided the diagnosis was wrong.  Since then I have had two therapists suggest BPD but not an official diagnosis that I know of. 

He has always lied to me about money.  We had a whirlwind relationship and were married after 8 months.  When we met he was attentive, called me on the phone and wanted to take care of me.  Even before we got married, he started pulling away.  I kept asking him if he was having second thoughts and he always said no.  After we married, he systematically went out to change me.  When we met, I had tons of friends, was in a high profile job, and loved to go to concerts, shop, and have dinner with friends.  He hated my job and said we couldn't even go out to eat without everyone knowing me.  Then he wouldn't socialize with my friends because he didn't like their husbands/boyfriends.  He never wanted to go out and do things I wanted but if I went out to much then he got upset.  I totally lost my self.  Whenever he blamed me for his lying and anger, I tried to change so that he would stop. Now 19 years later, he is telling me that he doesn't loved me and hasn't loved me since before we got married.  He has told our 17 year old son that he just wants to be free to live his life.  He says that we fundamentally disagree on marriage.  I believe marriage is a partnership with now secrets. One where we know each other's friends and he would want me to be involved in his new business he is creating (if it is even true).  He believes that I should not expect those things from him.  That none of it effects me so it isn't my business.

He is moved upstairs but tells me he is trying to unravel his feelings and then we can work on us.  He is telling my son that we are definitely through and he is divorcing me.  Whenever I ask him if he is leaving he tells me he doesn't know what he is going to do. Now I have found text messages to another woman.  I am not sure if it has become physical yet but they way the talk is definitely emotional infidelity.  He was so mean about me.  Talked about the way I looked and told her that I was Bi-Polar and abusive to my kids. 

I am heartbroken.  I wanted to fix our marriage and we have been in counseling many times.  The counselor always says they can't do anymore because they get to a certain point and he want talk anymore. He is in counseling now but only to find out why he hates me so much.  He says his counselor is encouraging him to divorce me. My self esteem is shot and I feel like if I could have just done more or lost weight or been something more then he would stay.

Even though he changes jobs all the time, he is the bread winner in our home.  I stopped working in the high level jobs 10 years ago to keep peace and take care of my children.  My 17 year old son says he is going with him if he leaves.  He has been talking so bad about me to my son for so many years and my son has Aspergers so he believes his dad.

I don't understand BPD.  I read so many different things and some things fit him and others don't.  He has never been jealous of other men or at least not never showed it.  I don't understand after all these years he says he never loved me when people have always talked about how he looks at me when I am not looking.  I feel like I am the crazy one.  I know I should just let the divorce happen but I am so scared.  I have no one to turn to.  I don't have many friends anymore and he moved me away from my hometown and family about 8 years ago so now I am 10 hours away.  I am looking for people who understand and can help me understand. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi devastatedwife,  



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry that you're going through this. I'm glad that you decided to join us, iit helps to talk to others that understand what it's like to be in a r/s with something with BPD. It makes sense to turn to peopl‎e that are close to you for support, different friends and family members have different strengths and together they usually fulfill our needs. I think of a r/s with a pwBPD like divorce, people can empathize with you and get it if they've gone through the experience themselves, you can't completely understand if you haven't gone through it.

That being said, I know how confusing BPD can be. BPD often has other mental illnesses coexisting together and out of all of mental illness's it has the most comorbid mental illness's, experts are not sure why. Most pwBPD have an underlying mood disorder like depression, BiP, anxiety, PTSD , ADHD and there may be other personality disorders as well.

BPD Is a spectrum disorder, different traits and severity. We're not experts and can't diagnose, what we can look at are traits, so I can see how some of the behaviors resemble BPD and others don't, he could have both BiP and BPD. You'll find the lessons on the right side of the board, you can take a look at other discussions, you'll probably see a lot of we'll semblance with your own stroy, I see some semblance with your story and mine, my exuBPDw was hiding an affair, she was carrying around a lot of shame, she still does and was projecting her shame, anger and feelings on me. It was very confusing and heartbreaking themselves. I suggest read as much as you can about the disorder. I'm looking forward to reading more of your posts. Hang in there. ‎

[devastatedwife]

Thank you for your welcome.  Just tonight he had me convinced that all the problems in our marriage our my fault.  I am beginning to feel like I am crazy!

[Mutt]

I understand. I thought at one point that I was losing my mind too. You're not crazy.  What was his issue tonight?

[Wits End Woman]

Your story follows very similar to mine and I don't know much about BPD yet either.  My soon to be ex husband has medical records from the VA that state he has Borderline and Antisocial traits in the severe range and several others in the moderate range.  He also has been diagnosed with severe PTSD and anxiety.  He has had many 'emotional affairs' which might have been physical, I'll never know.  The text messages were very personal, speaking very badly of me to the other women when we were doing well in our marriage (or so I thought.) He's been very intimidating and thrown large items around the house or waved a gun around wildly when I asked him to leave.  Stood in doorways so I couldn't leave the room, manipulated situations so I did what he wanted.  I finally left a year and a half ago and he drove his truck head-on into a tree the day before I moved out.  He walked away from the accident but that was a big eye opener for me.  I cant give you much advice because I don't know much other than the basics.  Like I said, I'm still learning so I hope that we could possibly be sounding boards for each other, maybe private message.   I hope that you can figure out how to salvage the relationship because it sounds like you still love him and you've been together for a long time.  The only thing I can say is to give him his space and let him make his next move.  Whatever you say will not make one bit of difference on his decision.  And YES, I also feel like i've jumped on the crazy train. That's been my experience.  Hope to hear from you soon.

[devastatedwife]

So since I last posted my husband moved out on Easter Sunday. He said that it was trial separation but told our kids he was leaving because I hadn't been the wife I needed in 5 years.  I now know he is having an affair and two days after he left he had leased an apartment for 12 months. (so much for a trial).  He says he wants a divorce but wants me to wait until after July 1.  He raged at me for hiring a private investigator and then when my son's private Christian school wouldn't let him coach anymore because we separated (school policy).  My PI reached out to the other woman's soon to be ex husband and the ex went crazy. Apparently she had made the ex think they were reconciling.  It became my fault that the ex was so upset.  It was my fault she had to call the police on the ex and it was my fault when the ex was supposedly in the hospital with heart issues because of the stress.  He took no responsibility.  With the school it was my fault for telling the school and then the school's fault for the rule.  He now says he will never step foot into the school again.

He claims the reason why we are over is because I insisted my son be in private school when we couldn't afford it.  for those years he would get stressed about money and rage and yell but then the next day he would tell me everything was okay and he was so stressed.  Now he says he has never forgiven me for not being his emotional support when he needed me the most. I have been there for him through so much but he says it doesn't matter.  Those 5 years negate anything I have ever done.  He gave me ever reason why this was my fault.  I am heartbroken but I can't continue to live this way.