Planning Visit to go see Family

[Laharkisawari]

Hello, I wanted to share an interaction I had over the weekend with my Mother(BPD).

I have lived away from my family for about 6 years now. Every time I go to visit my family, which is just my Mom, Dad, and Grandma, my Mom feels the need to block me from spending time with my grandma. I really find that my grandma and I resonate. I did not really get to know her until I was a little bit older and my Grandfather had passed away.

My Mom feels very strongly that she did not have the best childhood and she resents my Grandmother for it. My Mom has gone into counseling to talk about her past traumas, or at least that is what she tells me, but It seems that she and my grandmother just can't even be in the same room without my Mom wanting to scream at her. My Mom says that her counselor has given her some basic coping mechanisms, but I am wondering if maybe her being BPD might affect how she can cope with thoughts and learn to create new feeling around a subject?

So on to the event this weekend. Whenever I go to visit my Mom takes any opportunity she has to interrupt when I am trying to spend time with my Grandma. So this trip my Grandma and I decided that we want to go to lunch together, on our own, the only problem is that I will not have a car and I don't want to drive one of my parents cars(one is a big truck and the other is a BMW, no thanks ). So I asked my Mom if she would be willing to drop us off or I could get an Uber, although it ould be a little spendy. She agreed to drop us off. The next day we chatted my Mom had decided that the only time we had available on my 5 day trip for me and my Grandma to have lunch together was on our way home from the airport and she said,"Let's get that S**T out of the way so we have more time together." I was honestly speechless when she said this over the phone and I felt frozen. I just couldn't believe that she would be that rude. I mean I know we probably all have issues with our parents, but at the end of the day I feel, mental health permitting, we can decide to either grow and learn from our traumas or stay in the darkness and have pity for ourselves.

So I decided that texting her written words might make my point more clear about this subject. I sent a text and let her know that this situation was making me uncomfortable, that I understand her feeling towards my Grandma, and that even though she has those feeling, I may have different ones... .What does she do but text back that she felt the same way, not in a wow, she is finally accepting my grandma kind of way, but a I want to act the same as my Daughter and can't make an enemy with my only friend kind of way.

Although this all seemed to work out for the best and my Grandma and I will get some time together, I am just a little stunned at how my Mom acts toward every visit I have. She acts like I am only coming to see her. She actually will plan out the whole trip, minute to minute(for real), and say that she knows I like to sit inside and not be too busy, and spend time at home. In all actuality I love being outside, I love going on walks, I love exploring new places and meeting new people. I feel like every time I go to visit it just ends up being my Mom and I sitting, she crochets and I end up just trying to interact with my environment. I guess what I mainly feel like is she just wants me to be there, just sitting with her all the time and when we go do things outside of the house, my full attention is not on her and that is not ok.

Thank you for reading and I am so happy to just put this in words. I hope my rambling makes some sort of sense !

Kate

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Laharkisawari:   

I have lived away from my family for about 6 years now. Every time I go to visit my family, which is just my Mom, Dad, and Grandma, my Mom feels the need to block me from spending time with my grandma. I really find that my grandma and I resonate. I did not really get to know her until I was a little bit older and my Grandfather had passed away

Does your grandma live with your parents now?  How old were both you and your grandma, when you first got to know her?  Could your mom be trying to protect you from some things she experienced with your grandma? 

My Mom feels very strongly that she did not have the best childhood and she resents my Grandmother for it. My Mom has gone into counseling to talk about her past traumas, or at least that is what she tells me, but It seems that she and my grandmother just can't even be in the same room without my Mom wanting to scream at her. 

Has your mother shared any details of what "not having the best childhood" means to her?  Does your mom think that your grandma has a personality disorder?

I am just a little stunned at how my Mom acts toward every visit I have. She acts like I am only coming to see her. She actually will plan out the whole trip, minute to minute(for real), and say that she knows I like to sit inside and not be too busy, and spend time at home. In all actuality I love being outside, I love going on walks, I love exploring new places and meeting new people.   

Perhaps you might want to negotiate a compromise.  If you visit for a weekend, you might dedicate one day to what your mom wants and then do some things you want on the other day.  Work in a walk.  Suggest eating one meal outdoors.  Evolve over the course of a few visits to make part of the visit the way you want it.

If the visit is for the upcoming weekend, you might bring up something like a walk in advance.  Is there some place near your parent's home, where you would like to walk (a park, a nature trail, around the neighborhood)?  Maybe during the upcoming visit, you bring up the subject of something you would like to do on the following visit.
 

[Laharkisawari]

Yes my grandmother lives with my parents now. I was late teens early twenties when we got to know one another.

Yes my mother has shared with me her experiences. There is a lot more to that story. It is hard for me to type all of it. I do not believe my grandmother has a personality disorder and neither does my mother.

I always try to compromise. It is something that I have tried to do since I first realized there may be something larger going on with my mother. I appreciate your input. Thank you.