Reached out to old friend after BPD relationship ended and was... rejected

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I know it's important to reach out to old friends for support and perspective when a relationship with a pwBPD ends. I have been doing that a little bit but I just reached out to someone that my HwBPD demanded I have nothing to do with and it did not go well. I had been thinking about this person because he's a workmate I always chatted with, was friends with both him and his wife, gave blood when their kid was in an accident, etc. And then, bc of husband's delusions, just cut off contact completely. So, I reached out to explain my odd "absence" and it did not go well. First, I don't think they really understand exactly what happens in a relationship with a person with BPD (who has it to the extent my husband does) and I think they find it hard to believe. I, to be honest, think I sounded kind of like a crazy person when I was trying to explain it to him. I became a bit emotional.
Now, I feel terrible. I feel stupid and I am doubting my own judgment not just in regards to reaching out but actually doubting some of the things I know, for a fact, happened and are true.
This guy, whom I have considered a friend for years, just shrugged and said "Yeah, he was probably cheating" and then looked at me like I was one of those women who just can't grasp that they've been duped. He may very well have been cheating (I am still not comfortable with thinking about that), but the point is, my husband has an illness that makes all of this much more difficult than it would be otherwise--difficult to understand, difficult to deal with, difficult to know what he did and didn't do or how much of what he said was true or wasn't.
I feel awful. I wish I had not reached out.

[Breathe066]

I know it's important to reach out to old friends for support and perspective when a relationship with a pwBPD ends. I have been doing that a little bit but I just reached out to someone that my HwBPD demanded I have nothing to do with and it did not go well. I had been thinking about this person because he's a workmate I always chatted with, was friends with both him and his wife, gave blood when their kid was in an accident, etc. And then, bc of husband's delusions, just cut off contact completely. So, I reached out to explain my odd "absence" and it did not go well. First, I don't think they really understand exactly what happens in a relationship with a person with BPD (who has it to the extent my husband does) and I think they find it hard to believe. I, to be honest, think I sounded kind of like a crazy person when I was trying to explain it to him. I became a bit emotional.
Now, I feel terrible. I feel stupid and I am doubting my own judgment not just in regards to reaching out but actually doubting some of the things I know, for a fact, happened and are true.
This guy, whom I have considered a friend for years, just shrugged and said "Yeah, he was probably cheating" and then looked at me like I was one of those women who just can't grasp that they've been duped. He may very well have been cheating (I am still not comfortable with thinking about that), but the point is, my husband has an illness that makes all of this much more difficult than it would be otherwise--difficult to understand, difficult to deal with, difficult to know what he did and didn't do or how much of what he said was true or wasn't.
I feel awful. I wish I had not reached out.

[marti644]

Breathe,

Don't be hard on yourself although it is sad that people do not want to accept that others are in pain and have sympathy on them.

In my experience, most people will not and do not want to understand. Mental illness is complicated and people prefer simple and neat ways of looking at the world. Also, coming out of a situation like the one we are all in turns out to be a serious test for who really is there to support you or not. Part of my rebuilding process has been to find out who really supports me and who I should turn to in times of need. I will not villify others who are not there for me, but I am learning to keep my distance and erect boundaries with them. Not everyone is equipped to help others, just part of life.

As rescuers and caretakers we tend to surround ourselves with people who cannot reciprocate the support we give them (it is part of our codependent dynamic), so this has its drawbacks.

More importantly I think is that you understand yourself and what you went through. You have the intuition to know what was right and wrong in your relationship. Keep on holding to what you know and don't let others influence you to second guess your feelings. It's important to be sad and angry in the healing process; you have every right to be feeling this way!

[once removed]

hi Breathe066,

i really feel for you. i was rejected by a lot of the people i sought out too. it was deeply frustrating, because i was trying to do something that should have boosted my recovery, and it only added to my sense of isolation and rejection.

my advice? do keep reaching out. some may not be interested, their lives may have moved on, or they may be bitter. there may not be anything you can do about that, and that is okay.

keep it light. try to avoid discussions about BPD or what youve been through, at least at first. if youre interested in reestablishing friendships, focus on those friendships and what made them.

you can also give it some more time before you reach out to others.

[Breathe066]

I really have felt as if I've been held hostage for the duration of my relationship. I was so completely isolated. So, I have felt as though I owed old friends an explanation and apology, but maybe that's not the right approach. Maybe, as you say, Once Removed, I should just say hi and keep it light and test the waters more before saying "Hey, I know you must have wondered what the hell happened... ."
Marti, thank you, I guess it is a process--especially given my caretaker tendencies--of figuring out who will be or is there for me and feeling comfortable with establishing boundaries for the rest.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Breathe066, Don't beat yourself up!  You did the right thing by reaching out.  I'm sure you were terribly isolated, as I was in my marriage to a pwBPD.  Agree w/once removed, keep it light at the outset and focus on your friendship.  Some people will never "get it" when it comes to personality disorders, and that's OK.  Why not say you are sorry for being out of touch?  Rather than trying to explain the specifics of BPD, maybe you could say something general like he wasn't the right person for me, or something bland like that.  Suggest you keep reaching out.  It will help you to determine who are your "real" friends.

LuckyJim