47 year old Sister with undiagnosed BPD - Never gets better

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello, I'm hoping to get some support and guidance in how to deal with my younger sister (age 47) who has BPD traits.  She is the youngest of 5 children in our family and I am the 4th child, 4 years older than she is.  Our father died unexpectedly when she was 9 and I was 13, and our mother did the best she could but my sister was never able to recover.  She's never been married, sabotages most of her romantic relationships, insists on living in NYC even though she can't afford it or keep a job that pays her a decent salary.  She is a victim in all things and holds us (her siblings) responsible for her inability to have a better life, saying that she never had a support system, even though we've given her money, had her stay at our house, and have her to every family holiday and function for her entire life.  We are a close family, and all get along, but my BP sister insists we've colluded to exclude her. Even the most benign conversations result in her accusing someone of saying something hurtful, condescending or invalidating.  She routinely makes wild accusations and if you try to defend yourself or explain why the accusation is not true she blows up.  She has been keeping a literal record of wrongs for years, by both saving emails and keeping a journal, writing down every little thing to justify her case for how we are being mean to her.  Most conversations include her bringing up some wrong from 20 years ago, where she insists that it be discussed over and over, even if you are apologizing for the 100th time.  For years, we didn't really understand why she acted the way she does, and thought she "would grow out of it".   After years of volatility, we finally realized she has BPD and now I am trying to figure out how to have a healthier relationship with her.  She views me as the "least mean" sibling so I'm the one that seems to be the target of all her rants.   She's currently in a rage cycle, and unfortunately, now sometimes reaches out to my young adult children in hurtful ways.  They are all very wary of her because of her unpredictable behavior.  I'm trying to learn how to validate her feelings without going down the rabbit hole with her, where I have to subject myself to hours of being berated and insulted.  She also wants me to say negative things about my other siblings, whom I love, because that is the only way she feels validated.  By the way, she will not entertain any talk that she might want to seek professional help. She saw a counselor once and rejected the whole thing outright.  She would never acknowledge that she has BPD.  Help!

[SisWithBPD]

Hello, I'm hoping to get some support and guidance in how to deal with my younger sister (age 47) who has BPD traits.  She is the youngest of 5 children in our family and I am the 4th child, 4 years older than she is.  Our father died unexpectedly when she was 9 and I was 13, and our mother did the best she could but my sister was never able to recover.  She's never been married, sabotages most of her romantic relationships, insists on living in NYC even though she can't afford it or keep a job that pays her a decent salary.  She is a victim in all things and holds us (her siblings) responsible for her inability to have a better life, saying that she never had a support system, even though we've given her money, had her stay at our house, and have her to every family holiday and function for her entire life.  We are a close family, and all get along, but my BP sister insists we've colluded to exclude her. Even the most benign conversations result in her accusing someone of saying something hurtful, condescending or invalidating.  She routinely makes wild accusations and if you try to defend yourself or explain why the accusation is not true she blows up.  She has been keeping a literal record of wrongs for years, by both saving emails and keeping a journal, writing down every little thing to justify her case for how we are being mean to her.  Most conversations include her bringing up some wrong from 20 years ago, where she insists that it be discussed over and over, even if you are apologizing for the 100th time.  For years, we didn't really understand why she acted the way she does, and thought she "would grow out of it".   After years of volatility, we finally realized she has BPD and now I am trying to figure out how to have a healthier relationship with her.  She views me as the "least mean" sibling so I'm the one that seems to be the target of all her rants.   She's currently in a rage cycle, and unfortunately, now sometimes reaches out to my young adult children in hurtful ways.  They are all very wary of her because of her unpredictable behavior.  I'm trying to learn how to validate her feelings without going down the rabbit hole with her, where I have to subject myself to hours of being berated and insulted.  She also wants me to say negative things about my other siblings, whom I love, because that is the only way she feels validated.  By the way, she will not entertain any talk that she might want to seek professional help. She saw a counselor once and rejected the whole thing outright.  She would never acknowledge that she has BPD.  Help!

[Mutt]

Hi SisWithBPD,



I'd like to welcome you to the group. I'm sorry to hear that there's a lot of tension with your younger sister. BPD is many things, it's an emotional dysregulation disorder, a pwBPD cannot self sooth or regulate their emotions and it takes them much longer than you or I to return to baseline. When your sis is emotionally dysregulated, i'd suggest to not validate the invalid, a window will eventually open where she's back to her emotional baseline and i'd validate the valid then, we're responsible for someone else's feelings and it's not our duty to sooth someone else.

BPD is also a persecution complex where the person really believes that their circumstances are caused externally by others. Read as much as you can about the disorder, you can set a goal for yourself to learn to depersonalize the behaviors, it's something that you're sister is going through and it's not personal to others, that why it's important to become well versed in the disorder. There's a lot of irrational thinking and chaos but there is a logical reason why she acts and behaves the way that she does.

One of the most important useful tools that I picked up here is to not JADE, don't Justif, Attack, Defend, Explain. You mentioned explaining yourself a 100 times in the past, you're sister has social impairments and lives in the moment, not the pas or in the future, when she is emotionally dysregulated and feeling intensely, she's not in a state where she can problem solve because she's reacting on emotions that she feels and not facts. Think about something from your personal experience where you felt overwhelmed with feelings. Could think reasonably or was your judgment clouded.

If my exuBPDw thinks that the sky is red, she truly believes that in her mind and can't be convinced otherwise because of very rigid thought patterns. Well I know differently, the sky is not red but I don't need to convince her otherwise because I know the truth when I JADE it doesn't solve anything, my wife is baiting, it is the nature of the disorder. Her reality is as real to her as mine is to me, again it's not my duty to maker her see things differently. I hope that helps.

[SisWithBPD]

Thanks Mutt.  I have definitely been guilty of JADE.  My sister's pattern when she is feeling dysregulated is to make wild accusations and blame.  As you said, no amount of logic or explaining works, and she has literally screamed at me, "I am in pain, this is not about you!"  So my challenge is learning how to validate feelings while simultaneously not validating facts, if they aren't true.  For my sister feelings ARE facts... .to her they are the same.  She will then manipulate the facts to suit her narrative... .for example, accusing you of not inviting her to a family event because, even though you sent the invite in the mail, you didn't call or email her to follow up, therefore she wasn't invited.  At the moment she has sent me no less that 4 emails, long emails about all my transgressions and basically belittling me and lashing out at me, and my other siblings.  I know she is in pain, but when I engage, as I've been doing for days now, it seems to make her more and more upset, even when I'm saying I'm sorry and trying to validate her.  Should I continue to engage?  Ignoring her just makes her carry on even worse, and then she may reach out to my children which is very upsetting to them.  What should I do?

[MySistersHostage]

My sis behaves in a very similar manner.  She conjures up transgressions after stewing on a particular topic for a few days.  She will obsess over it and then work herself into a rage. It does not matter what we say.  Nothing helps. 

She can't hold a job.  I'm always bailing her out. 

To her the sky is red. 

Its weird that I ready your post and thought, I could've written it about my sis.  I had no idea others were suffering through this.

[Mutt]

Hi SiswithBPD,

for example, accusing you of not inviting her to a family event because, even though you sent the invite in the mail, you didn't call or email her to follow up, therefore she wasn't invited.

What if someone had followed up? Would she really be content or would she find something else that didn't sit well with her?

My advice is don't make things worse by engaging. You're right feelings are fact and i'd like to add feelings are quicksilver what she feels now may be entirely different tomorrow or the day after, she lives in the moment and may forget about this. When my ex tries to menace me I don't engage, if she's dysregulated and sends several emails I don't respond, I wait for 24-48 hours in the hopes that she's soothed, I wait for her to return to baseline, then I find what is valid in her email and validate that. My chances of communicating with her in a more constructive manner, as capable as she is, are often better.

[SisWithBPD]

Mutt, the answer is "no", because she is always moving the goal posts with regard to communication, it wouldn't have made a difference, it would have been wrong somehow.  The problem is, now her narrative forever more is "she wasn't invited".  Those are her "facts".  And she has 47 years of those kinds of "facts" that came from feelings but are now cemented in place.  I have tried to ignore her in the past, the longest was a period of 6 months when we did not speak, but I'd like to be able to find other tools to use that might enable us to communicate better.  I wish I had understood about BPD earlier on, it wouldn't have changed her but it might have helped me to have more appropriate responses to her accusations.  I've been bad with boundries and have tried to "be a good sister" by coming to her rescue as needed, but the help is never remembered, only the hurts.  Then she accuses me of being a narcissist because I can't see her point of view.

MySistersHostage, i'm so glad to hear you say this.  I don't know anyone with a sister like mine and its horrible.  The crazy thing is she can appear perfectly normal to the outside world, on the surface, even high functioning, but when it comes to maintaining any kind of meaningful relationship, she's really brutal if you get too close.  It's nice to have a forum like this where people understand. 

[Mutt]

I understand how frustrating and difficult it can be to communicate with a pwBPD, these tools should help.

Communication Skills - Don't Be Invalidating

‎Communicate - S.E.T. (Support, Empathy and Truth)

Additional Communication Tools ( DEARMAN, PUVAS )‎

[SisWithBPD]

How is this for a response to an email full of accusations?

"I deeply regret the hurt I've caused you over the years and then my subsequent failure to understand or validate your feelings.  Anyone in your situation would feel as you do.  The only thing I want to be about me is how I can make positive changes so we can have a better relationship in the future.   

I appreciate your being honest and sharing your feelings.  I'm assuming this is exhausting to have to relive again and again."

[Mutt]

It's hard to advise without the full email, half of the context is missing. I'm just going from what I have here, you're trying to validate her chronic feelings of pain, that being said, are you hoping that it's going to repair the r/s? What are her accusations?

[SisWithBPD]

Mutt,

I understand completely, and no, I don't have any hopes that one email apology or attempts at validation are going to solve years of problems.  Basically we've been emailing back and forth in recent days.  Yesterday, she sent me 4 to 5 emails in all caps, large font (translation - yelling), with several years worth of wrongs that range from me ignoring her, not caring about her, saying hurtful things, being shallow, self-absorbed, etc. etc.  She lives alone in another state, so it is difficult to help her in any real way or to know what her day to day is like because she is very secretive.  She is under employed, and there have been times in the past when she has called in crises (that she is going to be evicted for example) and I have sent her thousands of dollars to help her out. Now she is saying that she is considering prostitution because it is "straight forward emotionally".  "No one pretending they care about you".  How do I respond to that?   In January, I simultaneously started a new job and was also diagnosed with skin cancer, which required surgery and some recovery time.  When I called her in March to explain why I hadn't called her in a few months, her only response was to berate me for my lack of concern for her.  Her behavior takes a huge toll on me emotionally, and the verbal abuse and insults she heaps on me are really hard to take.  It is so tempting to want to cut her off, but she literally has no one in her life because she is so dysfunctional, so I feel responsible for trying to stay in there.  My husband really wants me to disengage from her, because it drains me so much emotionally, I'm sort of a zombie around him.  This is hard but I'm trying.

[Mutt]

Hi SiswithBPD,

I can see how that would be hard when you're getting treated for skin cancer and you're sister can't show you sympathy despite all of the times that you've been there for her. BPD is a cluster B personality disorder, the dramatic cluster. I think that it helps to validate your feelings, i'd recommend to talk to members here that get it because our pwBPD in our lives can't validate our feelings. That's what's we do here, sometimes it there's BPD stuff going on in my life and helping others like me helps me.

[SisWithBPD]

Thanks so much.  Yes, I'm glad that I found this group.  It is so nice to be connected to people who understand. 

[Panda39]

I understand completely, and no, I don't have any hopes that one email apology or attempts at validation are going to solve years of problems.  Basically we've been emailing back and forth in recent days.  Yesterday, she sent me 4 to 5 emails in all caps, large font (translation - yelling), with several years worth of wrongs that range from me ignoring her, not caring about her, saying hurtful things, being shallow, self-absorbed, etc. etc. 

You do not have to respond to verbal abuse or email abuse, and if the email is all falsehoods don't validate them... .don't validate the invalid. Don't JADE because all that will do is lead you into a circular argument that goes no where except to more arguing. 

My SO's uBPDxw will usually become dysregulated when something is going on in her life that she was having trouble managing (she too was evicted 3 times for example).  Often her anger and blaming were really a projection on my SO of her feelings about herself.

Do you know what's going on with your sister's life?  What might be going on that is causing her to lash out?  Because her lashing out at you is about her and not about you at all.  As hard as it is, try not to take what she says personally.

For example I have a critical mother and she will often say cutting things to me but that is about her and her need to project a certain image that she wants me to reflect, it tells me that other peoples opinions really matter to her... .that appearances matter, but none of that has anything to do with who I am, I am a great person even though I don't match her ideal.  So when she makes her remarks I just think to myself this is about her this isn't about me.  Your sisters comments are the same thing, they are about her and her feelings and have nothing to do with you.  So again I say don't take it personally and once you don't it's much easier not to JADE.  You know what is being said is false, those that know and love you know it's false, so just let it go. 

Now she is saying that she is considering prostitution because it is "straight forward emotionally".  "No one pretending they care about you".  How do I respond to that? 

I don't think you do respond to that.  

In January, I simultaneously started a new job and was also diagnosed with skin cancer, which required surgery and some recovery time.  When I called her in March to explain why I hadn't called her in a few months, her only response was to berate me for my lack of concern for her. 

To me and I'm only guessing, what might actually be going on here is she was worried about you because she hadn't heard from you... .she can't articulate that in a healthy way but she was clearly upset.

It is so tempting to want to cut her off, but she literally has no one in her life because she is so dysfunctional, so I feel responsible for trying to stay in there.  My husband really wants me to disengage from her, because it drains me so much emotionally, I'm sort of a zombie around him.  This is hard but I'm trying.

Your husband is on the right track he's asking you to set some boundaries to protect you and your well-being (What a great guy! )  There are varying degrees of boundaries one boundary could be not to reply to abusive emails. Another boundary could be to hang up the phone if a conversation gets abusive (sis, I will not continue this conversation if you continue to talk to me like that... .then she has a choice... .she de-escalates you continue to talk... .she doesn't you end the conversation).  You could decide you will contact your sister once a week instead of 3 times a day... .whatever you feel comfortable doing.  You do not have to go no contact with your sister at all or you could take a break and go no contact for a period of time or you could go no contact forever or you can change your mind and go low contact with her. Boundaries are to protect you so you decide what works for you and those boundaries could move as situations change.

Be prepared when using boundaries though because it is likely she will react by pushing/testing the boundaries.  Once you set a boundary you have to enforce that boundary (every single time)

It can go like this... .

Little kid asks mom for candy, mom says no... .kid pouts.  Little kid asks mom again for some candy, mom says no... .kid whines.  Little kid asks mom again for some candy, mom says no... .kid has a full on melt down screaming tantrum. What happens if mom gives in and gets the candy?  That little kid has just learned that having a screaming tantrum will get them what they want.  What happens if mom doesn't give in? The kid learns that no means no and he gives up.

So expect the same escalation as you set your boundaries it can get worse before it gets better.

More info on boundaries... .

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a120.htm
https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

I hope I've given you something that helps. I'm glad you've found us you are not alone we all "get it".

Take Care,
Panda 39

[wantyousafe]

Hi;
You are definitely not alone on this one, it sounds very similar to my situation.
I ended up so worried about my sister that I had a big row with her and we haven't had contact for five months.We've recently had some family bereavement that made me start to reach out by letter:I want to know that she will come to me when she needs another financial bailout so that she doesn't do something stupid.
It's been just as difficult thinking things through and mulling over my grievances with her (because when have they ever really thought about their family's needs?) as it was playing her game and biting my lip.
Unfortunately, I spent some time with my eldest sister's daughter yesterday, who gets on well with my BPD sister as they can moan and martyr together:she was so rude to her mother and self-entitled like a child, such a mini-me of my sister but with less emotional overinvolvement on my behalf, that I've sadly come to the conclusion that I'm not ready to tackle my sister yet.
Sometimes you have got to put yourself and your husband first.
Regarding an email?I'm not a good example!but I could not say that I was sorry for making her feel that way,I would say that I am sad that she feels that way, unless I genuinely believed that I had been out of order.
Here's to a brighter future... .