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Author Topic: Need to know if there is a way to make it work  (Read 385 times)
D3s1gn3r

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 6


« on: April 15, 2017, 10:59:12 AM »

Love of my life might have BPD.
Showing all the signs.
She sent me to a Psycologist because she says I have anger issues.
Psycologist thinks she has BPD.
Need to talk to someone
Reading 'Stop Walking on Eggshells'
Need to know how to cope
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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Mutt
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
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« Reply #1 on: April 15, 2017, 09:27:47 PM »

Hi D3s1gn3r, 

Welcome

I'd like to welcome you to the family, i'm glad that you decided to join. Did the P suggest that you join a support group? I can relate with the confusion from a pwBPD, my exuBPDw almost had me convinced that I was the problem, i'm not perfect, I took ownership for my half. A pwBPD will blame others and the world with their problems. That being said, is there a lot conflict in the r/s? How long have you been together for? What are some of the main issues in the r/s?
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waverider
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Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #2 on: April 16, 2017, 03:41:43 AM »

Unfortunately dealing with a person with BPD can bring out the frustration and anger in the meekest of people. this sets you up as the "perpetrator", frustrating you even further and burying the real issues deeper.

You are not alone.
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Shane87

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« Reply #3 on: April 17, 2017, 04:24:38 PM »

I feel your pain.  Accusing me of anger issues is one of my wife's default stances when she dysregulates.  It allows her to claim victimhood and portray me as a monster without having to having to provide any proof since she isn't accusing me of actually harming anyone.

I've learned to stop enabling the accusation.

1.  When I'm not angry, I don't own it.  Just because she claims it doesn't mean that I actually am.  "I understand that you think I'm angry.  I'm not feeling angry."  Smile and move on.  Being defensive will only enable her further.  If she tries arguing, ignore her completely.  There is no benefit to facts or arguing if someone has BPD.

2.  If I am feeling upset, or even angry, and there is a good reason, then I own it freely.  "Yes, I'm upset that the windshield got cracked.  It's perfectly understandable.  I'm not hurting anyone.  I'm not threatening anyone.  It's normal."
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isilme
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 2714



« Reply #4 on: April 18, 2017, 11:27:59 AM »

A lot of the time their insistence that we are angry is just to justify their own out of control emotions and give them a focus - "I'm just mad because YOU are!"  Projection.  Ret-conning the reasons for things.

The best you can do is often choose what needs a response, what can be ignored, what needs validation, and what can be corrected in a polite way.  Like the examples Shane87 posted.  Try to think of it as a disease (it is) and realize that while the person who ahs it is being ugly, they cannot/will not control it at that time and so you can try to ignore a lot of what is being said as simply irrational, and not take it to heart, feel you need to act on it, or even worse, "fix" it.  It's hard for me as a co-dependent to "let" H have his own feelings when I find them distressing.  He is allowed to get mad, to vent it as he needs, he is just not allowed to abuse me verbally or in any other way in the process.  I used to (and still do) invalidate him to try to make him not mad - as if I had that power.  I'd downplay what was making him mad instead of agreeing that I understood he was upset.  It's a lot of new behaviors to learn and try till you see what works for you both.
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D3s1gn3r

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 6


« Reply #5 on: April 23, 2017, 08:37:44 AM »

Thank you all for replying to my call for help.
It's great to hear your thoughts and similar situations. I admire you all for coping in the way that you do and it is good to hear that it is possible to survive/cope/ manage this challenging situation. Every day I'm reminded of why I love my wife so much, but all too often she also reminds me of the behaviors associated with having BPD.
It is reassuring that you have found ways to cope and I hope I have the strength to learn these new skill you mention.
The P didn't suggest the support from bpdfamily, but did suggest reading 'Stop Walking'.
One quick thought for tonight. For more context. We live in China, she is Chinese and I am Scottish. I've noticed the when we watch TV together, I'm amazed at how much anger, rage and abbusive behaviour is shown on Chinese TV. In TV Drama, almost every episode there is a scene with couples screaming, slapping or pushing each other. Does anyone have any experience of this from a cultural perspective?
I will have some more questions for you guys later, but thank you again for caring enough to respond to me.
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D3s1gn3r

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 6


« Reply #6 on: April 23, 2017, 11:41:16 AM »

So more questions for you guys.
I think my biggest issue is not knowing how to respond to her questions and ultimatums.
Particularly when they are unreasonable.
For a little more back story, I have two kids from a previous marriage, and at first she seemed quite comfortable with this, but now she is saying I have to make a choice! I obviously hope that I don't need to choose between. My kids are in the U.K. so I only call them, but this still causes problems. I know I'm modifying my behavior, trying to be out of the apartment when I call them, so she doesn't get upset. She knows I might do this, and I am open about it, but then she accuses me of hiding this. Saying I am not trustable. So she is right, but if I call them in front of her, then she gets upset anyway. She hates when my ex try's to speak to me, or control what the kids say to me. So basically I'm damned if I do, or damned if I don't. I know when she is like this it is impossible to have a normal conversation, so I clam up, but of course that isn't acceptable either.
I just struggle with the criticism. Don't know how to answer.
I know I'm doing the wrong things, I guess because I've just found out about her BPD but how do you discuss when you know she thinks I am always wrong.
She tells me I must do everything she asks, but I know that if I do that, I am just rewarding bad behaviors. But if I don't, I risk her anger.
Anyway. Bad night. She just kicked me out of our apartment. I guess I knew it might come to this, because I was going to call my kids tonight. She is right that I contrived the day so I would be at the gym when they might call, even though I didn't know for sure. but like I said does really matter what I do, I'm always wrong. If I stand up to her, then she will just get really angry and kick me out. Just really lost right now.
Sorry for the ramble. Hope you guys have some good suggestions. Kind regards
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waverider
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Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #7 on: April 23, 2017, 03:54:49 PM »

This is all about boundaries, extinction bursts and not going into JADE. Not at my comp so cant insert links at the moment but you want to search these terms.

Basically you are going to be in trouble either way. Do as she says and she will find something else to come down on you for (moves the goal posts), trying to comply in principle while at the same time trying workarounds will make you act suss and you will be in trouble still. Doing what you think is right regardless of what she says you will be in trouble,but  you will have a clear conscience and not feel disempowered.

If you do the latter consistently and openly, she will at first have melt downs, but if you are consistent and the bad results she fears dont happen she will get used to it. pwBPD lack consistency and if there are no ripples caused by their splashing they give up eventually. as everything is done to create an effect/response.

It is tough riding out that initial reaction so you have to clearly think out in advance what you are doing so you dont back pedal, if you do back pedal it will just reinforce that you can be be beaten down and make future attempts to take a stand harder.

Remember this is not about you, it is about her insecurities, and she uses these issues as an avenue to express it. She will always find something, you just have to not let it define your life. It is your reactions that fuel escalations.

Do what is right and explain less.
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D3s1gn3r

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 6


« Reply #8 on: April 23, 2017, 04:16:22 PM »

So do I say I'm sorry (very British) I know I made a mistake! Or do I just tell her I hear her concerns.
She says she is not happy that I call my kids, and she knows I'm not happy calling them in front of her.
Need some tips on what to say to her, particularly if I have made a mistake. If I forget to do something she asks for example.
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waverider
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Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #9 on: April 24, 2017, 04:03:24 AM »

So do I say I'm sorry (very British) I know I made a mistake! Or do I just tell her I hear her concerns.
She says she is not happy that I call my kids, and she knows I'm not happy calling them in front of her.
Need some tips on what to say to her, particularly if I have made a mistake. If I forget to do something she asks for example.

Saying sorry is a delicate thing as what she hears is not what you mean. In her all or nothing world it means you taking culpability for EVERYTHING and she being totally exonerated for berating you.

You need to be very specific, which means being sure of yourself.  Acknowledge her concerns but that her concerns cannot be allowed to prevent you from doing what is completely reasonable. Ask her what can be done to help allay her concerns while still not impinging on your right to be able to speak to your own kids whenever you choose to do so. That is, try to get away from the black and white entrenched positions.

Being able to speak to your kids whenever you choose is your boundary. Dont exclude your wife's presence completely but dont make her involvement essential either. Its likely she fears you are bagging her out behind her back. Ultimately that is her problem not yours.
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D3s1gn3r

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 6


« Reply #10 on: June 16, 2017, 12:45:28 AM »

So we were doing so well! Then a yoghurt pot drops on the floor. Her fault actually, she knocked it. I set about tidying it up, and there it happens. She starts telling me I'm doing it too slowly, I'm not doing it the right way. I say it's ok I'll sort it out. I start to look for a pot to clean the contents into, and I don't see one on the work top. So she says, there is one just there, what is the matter with you! Then my mistake. I say, there is nothing the matter with me! I guess that's the problem. I tried to defend myself (invalidation). Then she goes crazy! Throwing things at me and breaking things. I try to calm down and just get on with tidying up. But I got too close to her and she punches me! Then starts a rant about 'how dare I speak to her like that!' 'How dare I come near her!'
I was able to finish what needed to be done, but not without some more abusive comments and bullying me to finish the work the way she wants it!  I've managed to leave the apartment and go to work.
I know I need to get better at not reacting to her abusive tone, but she thinks I'm the one with the attitude problem! I know I am very defensive, but just don't seem to be able to not react.
What should I do? I just feel so scared! Make me so unhappy.
I'm doing so much for her at the moment, as she is pregnant and not having an easy time. I want to make sure she has what she need before I leave the house, but feel when she is abusive or violent I should try to get out quickly. If I do get everything ready, is that reinforcing her bad behaviour?
Anyway, I'll gather my thoughts for now. Hope you guys are all ok
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D3s1gn3r

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 6


« Reply #11 on: June 16, 2017, 01:10:27 AM »

Question. She obviously thinks I need to apologise. Apologise for talking to her in a way she didn't like. Just want to know if I should just ignore and carry on?
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