Need clarification - please help ?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I think I may know the answer but it is swirling around in my head all the time.
I suspect my ex had BPD and like so many others I was recycled (as I now understand it at least twice). We had a 9 month NC after a year and a bit r/s and  then I was bombarded with texts promising the world and professing love etc.
3 months later that said ex left to go to the otherside of the world ... .there I was again left bereft. 2 weeks prior to going I was 'the only one' 'that she had never loved anyone the way she loved me' that we were going to marry and have children together etc etc . Now I now understand through my reading that she meant it for that moment in time and it was the truth at that time. But what I need clarification on is do they absolutely only mean it for then? Does she never think of me with any sort of regret / love? As she boarded the plane I got a text telling me she loved me and she would miss me. Do I discard that or was that truth? I have since learnt that I have indeed been replaced in a matter of weeks ... .but I cannot get it in my head that she will never think of me or miss me? Is that right?  It hurts. After she came back from the 9 month NC I asked her did she ever think of me as I assumed she never ever did, she just walked out one day and never looked back! She told me she did and she couldn't believe I thought she hadn't ... .was this statement a load of rubbish? Incidentally I have only discovered BPD in the last couple of months as she herself hinted at it before she flew to the otherside of the world.
I guess I cannot deal with / accept that she  probably doesn't ever think of me and doesn't have any feelings for me anymore ... .that I am finding difficult. I invested so much time into her and the r/s ... .am I right to think this, that she does not ever think of me and I am certainly now a distant memory ( and prob not even that!)

[KtotheK]

I think I may know the answer but it is swirling around in my head all the time.
I suspect my ex had BPD and like so many others I was recycled (as I now understand it at least twice). We had a 9 month NC after a year and a bit r/s and  then I was bombarded with texts promising the world and professing love etc.
3 months later that said ex left to go to the otherside of the world ... .there I was again left bereft. 2 weeks prior to going I was 'the only one' 'that she had never loved anyone the way she loved me' that we were going to marry and have children together etc etc . Now I now understand through my reading that she meant it for that moment in time and it was the truth at that time. But what I need clarification on is do they absolutely only mean it for then? Does she never think of me with any sort of regret / love? As she boarded the plane I got a text telling me she loved me and she would miss me. Do I discard that or was that truth? I have since learnt that I have indeed been replaced in a matter of weeks ... .but I cannot get it in my head that she will never think of me or miss me? Is that right?  It hurts. After she came back from the 9 month NC I asked her did she ever think of me as I assumed she never ever did, she just walked out one day and never looked back! She told me she did and she couldn't believe I thought she hadn't ... .was this statement a load of rubbish? Incidentally I have only discovered BPD in the last couple of months as she herself hinted at it before she flew to the otherside of the world.
I guess I cannot deal with / accept that she  probably doesn't ever think of me and doesn't have any feelings for me anymore ... .that I am finding difficult. I invested so much time into her and the r/s ... .am I right to think this, that she does not ever think of me and I am certainly now a distant memory ( and prob not even that!)

[FallenOne]

I'm sorry to inform you, but her love for you and for anyone else is an act to get what she wants... They cannot love in the way a normal fully functional adult loves.

She will think of you only when she "needs" you for something. She will only contact you to meet one of her needs.

Do not pay attention to anything she says, only what she does. Pay attention to the actions and ignore the words.

[happendtome]

I think the same way, she really doesnt think much about you. She only thinks when she needs something. She may need some sort of ego boost and then when she doesnt have any supply she will come to you. My ex said she will always care about me, but then she didnt even wish happy birthday, it was just few weeks later after she said that. It is hard, but thats the way it is. Maybe your case is different, but believe me, there are people who put only their own interest at first place

[GlennT]

They are consummate actors. After the discard, you are no longer a human being with hopes, dreams, fears, desires, aspirations, experiences, knowledge, etc. You have been reduced to an object, a commodity with a code. They want to put you in a file, drawer, box, shelf, basement, etc., to be used maybe later, and discard again.  

[Rayban]

As you mentioned, they mean it for that fleeting moment then somone new comes along and it's out of sight out of mind.

BPD is an attachment disorder.  Every once in a while they'll test if they still have it by hitting up an ex, and see if they could reel them back in. Once that's done, they get bored and move on to somone else.  As I've read many times there's nothing a BPD hates more then losing an attachment.

Shame is another factor.  Moving, changing jobs, it's just easier starting over for them. They become somone else creating a new one and burying the old one. You remind her of her old life she can't handle that.

How do you move forward from this? As mentioned earlier block your ears to avoid her words , and open your eyes to concentrate on her actions. You'll get a better idea of who your dealing with.

[Pretty Woman]

Hi K to the K.

While my ex was dumping me she told me she loved me and that we were "best friends, that she wasn't going anywhere and would ALWAYS be there for me.

As soon as my replacement was secured, dead silence. Two years this May. 0 Contact.

The week after our break up she called to tell me her mother was in the hospital. She said we needed to keep this between us because her sister would kill her for talking to me (I work with her sister and she was completely slandering me to her without my knowledge our entire relationship, to the point her sister is scared of me for no reason and has threatened me and my job).

I actually told her I didn't care that her mother was in the hospital and she could be consoled by the person she dumped me for. She ended the call with, "I love you".

Last words she said to me. Having read up enough by then on BPD I knew she was trying to triangulate me with the new girl, just as she did with her ex when we got together. I stepped right out of that for my own sanity and protection.

It took me many, many years to get to where I am now, K. You will read all over these boards, "It's not in their words. It's in their ACTIONS". You need to heed those words as they are very accurate and explain the BPD to a T.

You need to work past what she has said and focus on what she has did. She left. She found someone new. Keep in mind this is a disorder. She may think of you from time to time but it's not in the same way you thought of her.

I still struggle with this as I know you are in this very moment. No one wants to think they meant nothing to a past love. I invested three almost four years of my life in this woman, lost a lot of money in the process and gained a heck of a lot of heartache... .

while she skipped off with her new love into the sunset.

There are days I am angry it hasn't ended with my replacement. How can this be "working" when we didn't. Then I remember meeting my ex's exes and they thought the very same thing about ME!

The person with BPD never changes, just the object of their affections. Some have weaker boundries and last longer with them. Some are stronger co-dependents... .but you know what? Nobody can be perfect 100 percent of the time and if your ex is a true BPD eventually something will happen that makes them start to devaluate your replacement. Try not to be envious and try not to focus on how she feels about you.

Did she love you? In the only way she could, yes. You were a need she needed filled at that time and you did. Unfortunately it wasn't a healthy relationship where love is love in the traditional sense.

You CAN have this in your life. You need to cut yourself some slack and know what she does and how she acts is not in your control but you have control of your life, your path going forward.  

[KtotheK]

Hi pretty woman

Thank you and thank you for all relying.
I guess I knew the answer deep down and it's actually heard to understand... .quite unbelievable really but it is as it is.
I have been incredibly low but finding this has been such a lifeline for me and has helped me make sense of so much. I spent that 9 months blaming myself and I completely beat myself up. But I am learning and understanding more.
I know (need to start to believe) there is better out there for me
Getting stronger each day after near on 3 years of this  ... .but I have gained understanding and support thank you to you all for your responses. It may not have been what I wanted to hear but it is the truth and I need to deal with that and move myself on from it bit by bit 

[Pretty Woman]

K to the K
    You are on the right path, Friend. I agree with you that finding this board... .Wow it was a lifesaver for me! To see other people were dealing with what I was dealing with... .that I wasn't alone out there... .

I can't say I was "overjoyed" because I certainly would not wish this or these types of relationships on my greatest enemy, but it was comforting to know I was not going crazy. Sure, I have my problems and I am not perfect by any means, but reading all the stories on here, it's uncanny the patterns that seem to have happened in other posters relationships almost mirror mine exactly! Sometimes it feels like you all dated my ex... .
the stories are that similar. 

This board saved me at a time where I felt very alone, isolated. After the break up there was no "chaos" and I had become so used to it, the silence was deafening... .very lonely.

People who haven't had experience with BPD's or even know what BPD means (even I thought at first it was an abbreviation for Bi-Polar disorder) have no concept of the crazy-making. Have no concept of co-dependency... .

which is a good thing! I like to think that means they are enjoying a healthy, happy life...
something I strive for everyday.

If you are anything like me... .the more time away from this relationship you will see all the areas of your life that need attention, that you neglected while you were putting all your focus on your ex.

Since my relationship ended I got a huge promotion and my career is thriving (having comeback from almost getting myself fired during the worst of it all). I also let go of friends or people who I thought were friends, that were very damaging to me, my psyche and my life. Instead of "Walking on Eggshells" and putting all my needs aside to hold on to this person with abandonment issues, I started writing again. I am working on a book. I joined our local airport commission. I am doing all these things I wanted to but I threw them aside to put another's needs first.

This relationship. As bad as it effected me. As many years it has taken to get over had also given me something far greater than the pain.

It gave me perspective. It gave me a much better version of the person I was three years ago. I grew from it and I continue to grow, which is what I hope for for all the good people on this site striving for answers and closure.

Those things really come from within. Answers, closure... .you might get something from your ex (if you are lucky) but does it really matter? It's all about you. Don't give up on you because you have potential and the ability to grow from this.

Your ex does not and will keep repeating the same Groundhog Day... .over and over and isn't that sad?

[KtotheK]

Thank you so much pretty woman!
It sounds like you are doing so well and I will defo take inspiration from you!
Now 3 months NC since the last walk out and the running to the otherside of the world! After a 3 month recycle! She hinted at BPD before leaving, I had never heard of it. Must have done some of her own reading and knew something wasn't right ! I'm actually grateful she did as i truly believe I would have been left in the dark place I entered into during the 9 month NC after the last walk out! Clearly she is not ready to face or is in denial to what she feels she might have? Unless it  was an excuse which I've toyed with but the traits are so spot on in many areas!
She also felt being somewhere else would also cure her I think. I guess I now start to fee sorryl for the replacement, as inevitably only the same will surely happen at some point.
Thank you for your words and keep going!

[once removed]

  i read a lot of speaking out of our own pain. is a message of "you were a used object and they dont consider you at all" something we want to say to someone going through it? is it true? 

KtotheK,

being told you are the one, left without explanation, and then to learn she was in another relationship had to really hurt. i think anyone here will tell you, the impulsive nature of BPD can be extremely hurtful to us and those that love them.

the questions youre asking are natural to ask but do not have black or white answers. BPD is a spectrum disorder. it is unlikely she has forgotten that you exist. beyond that, you know her better than we do.

what are you doing to take care of yourself KtotheK? are you seeing a therapist?

[Turkish]

She also felt being somewhere else would also cure her I think. I guess I now start to fee sorryl for the replacement, as inevitably only the same will surely happen at some point.

My T told me years ago,  hope against my hope, "personalities typically don't change." He may have also been talking about me 

We can hope, perhaps,  that we see the same dynamics repeat themselves in our "replacements." I did,  though it took two years.  If this is a desire,  however, is it helpful in detaching?

Though I grew into acceptance that it was over,  at a certain point,  I needed to move on with my life.  When it finally imploded in her next r/s, it was kind of anti-climactic. Sure,  it was groundhog day with her.  Looking at myself,  what I needed to do is make sure it wasn't groundhog day with me,  in that I still wasn't stuck in the past and that I could move on,  being my own person.

This takes time,  and there are no pat answers. We all heal at our own paces (and admittedly,  I may have taken longer than I should have,  but it is what it is).

So, KtotheK, even if it's hard to see at this point (and I was the two years ago still for sure), what are the next steps you forsee to help you?

Speaking for myself,  going easy on myself helped,  giving myself space to just chill and be comfortable.  It can be hard for those of us (I'm not saying you specifically) who are used to bring so focused upon others at our own expenses.   

[KtotheK]

My T told me years ago,  hope against my hope, "personalities typically don't change." He may have also been talking about me 

We can hope, perhaps,  that we see the same dynamics repeat themselves in our "replacements." I did,  though it took two years.  If this is a desire,  however, is it helpful in detaching?

Though I grew into acceptance that it was over,  at a certain point,  I needed to move on with my life.  When it finally imploded in her next r/s, it was kind of anti-climactic. Sure,  it was groundhog day with her.  Looking at myself,  what I needed to do is make sure it wasn't groundhog day with me,  in that I still wasn't stuck in the past and that I could move on,  being my own person.

This takes time,  and there are no pat answers. We all heal at our own paces (and admittedly,  I may have taken longer than I should have,  but it is what it is).

So, KtotheK, even if it's hard to see at this point (and I was the two years ago still for sure), what are the next steps you forsee to help you.

Speaking for myself,  going easy on myself helped,  giving myself space to just chill and be comfortable.  It can be hard for those of us (I'm not saying you specifically) who are used to bring so focused upon others at our own expenses.   

Hi you are right. I am seeing a therapist and am beginning to unpick and realise that this r/s would never have and will never work.
I can only control my happiness and wondering when and if the replacement will encounter the same, I know is not helpful to me. I have really struggled but dare I say I have been feeling more positive and strong... .long time coming mind! I also know that I can feel positive but it can be followed with a low period. Keeping busy and realising that no-one else can be responsible for my happiness are all things I need to keep reminding myself of. Raising my self esteem and thinking better about myself are also necessary. Thank you for your advice, it's been so helpful

[KtotheK]

i read a lot of speaking out of our own pain. is a message of "you were a used object and they dont consider you at all" something we want to say to someone going through it? is it true? 

KtotheK,

being told you are the one, left without explanation, and then to learn she was in another relationship had to really hurt. i think anyone here will tell you, the impulsive nature of BPD can be extremely hurtful to us and those that love them.

the questions youre asking are natural to ask but do not have black or white answers. BPD is a spectrum disorder. it is unlikely she has forgotten that you exist. beyond that, you know her better than we do.

what are you doing to take care of yourself KtotheK? are you seeing a therapist?


Hi yes I have been seeing a therapist since the 9 month walk out by her as I got so low and was blaming myself for the break up of the relationship ... .I felt I'd hit rock bottom and needed help. I'm
Still seeing a T and it's helping. Probably also a good job I am as I find myself recycled again (as I now understand it). I still have very wobbly days and although NC for 4 months is still have her number in my phone ... .I can't seem to delete it? But I know I will probably feel liberated in doing so?

[Idsrvt2]

It's one of the hardest things to grasp... .

My x told me he thought of his previous x ocassionally... .he never met her in real life she was some online x from a fake life site , she dumped him... .

My x didn't have relationships... .never had a valentine

There is one girl that he was in a real life relationship with, but he refused to talk about her, he said he couldn't... .all I know is he told me when he broke up with her she tried to stab him in the head with scissors ... .I've suspected this woman maybe my neighbor but I have not pieced that together... .I also can assume he ended that like he did with me... .cold and horrid with a protection order.  And that was his perception of events... .

He would have flings... .not even in his th school did he go on dates... .
He identifies as transgender , however so life has been very hard for him ,

I accepted him for all he was something most would grab onto... .not him.

Mine can't help but to think of me as he sorts my mail, walks by my house daily... .but it's not a bonded thought process as he told me he has no bonds with people,.
I was to move in, we talked of a future and then he turned   He was haunted by his past and his father.   
He was all over the place and for four years hid it so well when we were just friends ... .
I'm like you left devastated

[Stripey77]

Hi all

There really are no 'blanket' answers you know. BPD people are still people, individuals at different places on the spectrum and with different personalities. What they share are some, or all, of a number of very distinct traits.

Your ex may be behaving as if she has totally forgotten you but I would find that pretty unlikely.

My own high functioning ex may be acting as if I am out of sight, out of mind. But I know he hasn't forgotten me. And when he gets back from his holiday he will see me again, and it will be a bit difficult to forget me then.

I have so often remarked upon this factor as well; it really does seem to be that the closer that we (the nons) get to a BPD sufferer, whether as a lover, friend or colleague, the very harder we get pushed away. To my knowledge, I am the only ex (at least here where we now all live) who has been deleted and blocked etc. Previous gfs remain his 'friends' on FB. He told me that he did it because he didn't want to see what I was doing, be reminded of me etc.  His closest and oldest friend here has been spectacularly axed from his life and yet I know for a fact that he loved and adored him like a brother.

If he felt absolutely nothing for either of us, he'd be able to see us and feel nothing, right? Or he could establish a friendship with me if all feelings have truly evaporated. But he just can't do it.

He has of course left one or two doors open between us. And no that's not because he 'forgot'... .too switched on for that.


I think we should be careful not to assume that we are all totally forgotten and cease to exist as a person. The truth is, we just don't know. And as Once Removed has pointed out, not only is this a spectrum disorder (so no blanket rules) ... .you know her best.

I was quite sure for the first ST/ghosting, which lasted almost 6 months btw, that this just couldn't be it. It couldn't be. How could he just vanish out of my life like that? I didn't know what  I was dealing with then... .but I was right. He suddenly appeared back in my life, just like that. And he had forgotten nothing.

[KtotheK]

i read a lot of speaking out of our own pain. is a message of "you were a used object and they dont consider you at all" something we want to say to someone going through it? is it true? 

KtotheK,

being told you are the one, left without explanation, and then to learn she was in another relationship had to really hurt. i think anyone here will tell you, the impulsive nature of BPD can be extremely hurtful to us and those that love them.

the questions youre asking are natural to ask but do not have black or white answers. BPD is a spectrum disorder. it is unlikely she has forgotten that you exist. beyond that, you know her better than we do.

what are you doing to take care of yourself KtotheK? are you seeing a therapist?

I have been seeing a therapist since the 9 month discard. I hit rock bottom and was incredibly low. It has helped and has made me assess my part in all of this. Why I came to put someone else first time after time and allowed myself to be trampled all over etc. It's a good job I Continued as the ex udBPD recycled ( as I now understand it) for 3 months then did the discard again. I am now 4 months NC but have real up and down days. The T helps and I have tried to focus on me rather than always talking about the ex. I am muddling through and developing understanding  but do still have my tough low days. I long for the replacement to fail as it will perhaps secure the thought of BPD?
I've never experienced such a difficult thing in my life before but I am so appreciative of this forum ... .it's been a life line

[KtotheK]

i read a lot of speaking out of our own pain. is a message of "you were a used object and they dont consider you at all" something we want to say to someone going through it? is it true? 

KtotheK,

being told you are the one, left without explanation, and then to learn she was in another relationship had to really hurt. i think anyone here will tell you, the impulsive nature of BPD can be extremely hurtful to us and those that love them.

the questions youre asking are natural to ask but do not have black or white answers. BPD is a spectrum disorder. it is unlikely she has forgotten that you exist. beyond that, you know her better than we do.

what are you doing to take care of yourself KtotheK? are you seeing a therapist?

Yes I have been seeing a T since the 9th month discard and it's a good job I did cos I was of course recycled and discarded again after 3 months.
I do struggle and have tried to make a conscious effort to talk about me in the last few months in therapy rather than the ex. Trying to understand what made me stay and be treated in the way I was. Why I didn't have more self worth and why I was so desperate to help and care for someone who wanted it and then so abruptly didn't and left me feeling in the lowest of places. The reason why I sought therapy ... .I was literally at rock bottom. What is interesting is the ex recycled and knew I had sought therapy. They were sorry they had perhaps driven me there and one day asked Me if I saw myself in therapy forever. About a month or so later they discarded me again and hinted at BPD for themselves. They talked about low feelings and not knowing who they were. They believed goIng to the otherside of the world would get them away from all that made them unhappy and they could be free ( I was replaced in a matter of weeks) and find out who they are.
I struggle with all of this still now and I'm now on 4 months NC. The thought of her never thinkIng of me really hurts but I imagine it's how it is. Before leaving I was told I was the most amazing person and that she would miss me she did love me. I now understand that was for that moment in time. I still find it all quite heartbreaking