Separation while sustaining the relationship

[empathy72]

Hello all! As a newcomer, I have read many articles in order to gain a better understanding on this complex subject and have been fortunate to have found this for support.
How do you sum up a 7 year tumultuous intense and codependent relationship in a single post? To do so would be futile considering the common ground expressed on this site.
In a brief attempt to describe my “particular” situation, I have been with my girlfriend for a little over 7 years. We started out as colleagues and developed affinities for one another quickly while both being in existing respective long term relationships and both having children with our previous partners. Our relationship developed rapidly and passionately almost immediately becoming fused to one another. We precipitated to separate from our previous respective partners in order to allow or relationship to develop. However….  Upon rushing to purchase our home together and integrating our previous emotional baggage and children, we were thrust into the reality of cohabitation.  In essence, any family reconstitution in a new couple is complex and stressful but when your partner is diagnosed with BPD it amplifies the struggles and dynamics. In my case a diagnosis was made on my girlfriend 2 years into the relationship and to say the least it has been an emotional and sometime agonizing roller coaster ride. She now know have 2 suicide attempts and 2 hospitalizations under her belt in addition to excessive compulsive spending, and alcohol consumption .  Just like many of the cases I have read, involve psychological and verbal abuse, emotional heartache and in a few isolated instances acts of violence perpetrated by both parties following bouts inappropriate behavior.   To complicate matters now we have a 19 month old together. Despite deep desires for merger there are her internal conflicts which remain and her inabilities to cope with the underlining issues and her inconsistencies which stem from her childhood. One day marriage next separation type of swings, one day another child next sell the house… 
Now, after 2+ weeks of separation yet still living together we have resumed discussion and mediation with respects to our separation, sale of our house and custody of our child. Over the past few days we have resumed with positive and productive discussions ranging from logistics and details in our upcoming steps to seek separate living accommodations to her condition, treatment and our relationship status with demonstrations of affection and even intimacy. However, we have both come to terms that our separation is the best course of action in order to maintain our individual needs, the children’s best interests and our sanity as well as an acknowledgement that our cohabitation and the daily routine as well the family dynamics has caused many of our anxieties resulting in our conflicts considering her fragile and complex condition. As a result of managing the dysfunctional dynamics as well as the various external factors some being out of our control has caused us to lose touch with each other. Seeing as her deep desire for independence and control is still countered by her codependence, I truly believe that a physical separation from the daily routine and our current dynamics is required in order to concentrate on getting the space and treatment she needs as well as for my mental survival. Therefore, I have conceded that the best approach is to let her go and opt to remain strong for myself and my kids in order to be a better caregiver and stronger partner if this is still a possibility.         
As It has been discussed and demonstrated over the past long weekend that we both “apparently” still have affection for one another and that the possibility of rekindling the relationship we once had or can have is not inconceivable despite the fact that we will no longer be cohabitation. It has also been suggested that taking steps back may in fact improve our relationship while allowing us to thrive as individuals and avoid codependence as we both agree that the status quo cannot be permitted to continue.
I wish to inquire if anyone else has gone through or attempted this or similar process and if so, are these false hopes or expectations?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi empathy72, and

it is hard to sum up a seven year relationship, but you gave us a pretty good picture; you seem to have a pretty good knowledge as it comes to the obstacles BPD can present, and im glad you reached out and are seeking support here. im confident many members here can relate to your story.

are these false hopes or expectations?

a therapeutic separation from a tumultuous situation can be healthy for both parties and the relationship, yes. a lot of the tools on the Saving board involve not making matters worse, getting out of enmeshing and dysfunctional dynamics with boundaries, learning about the disorder, self improvement, and often times giving each other space. it sounds like these things are on your agenda, and thats likely to give your relationship its best chance.

it sounds like the two of you are on similar pages - would you characterize the separation as a mutual agreement? is seeing a therapist on your agenda?