First post

[Fizz74]

This is my first time so please bear with me as slightly long story. I come from a dysfunctional family, dad left when I was six and only very sporadic contact from then (10 times in 30 years) mum remarried when I was ten to a lovely man who was madly in love with her but who became her enabler. I now know I grew up in a knapman drama triangle with all the damage that entails. To cut a very long story short I sort help and managed to "escape" however due to various family circumstances my family are trying to drag me back in. I am ignoring it all but am receiving emails from my brother demanding to see my sixteen year old son so he can tell him his side of the story and defend his character. I file them as evidence and then delete them. My son doesn't want anything to do with him but I am finding it very difficult to get past as all the old feelings of hurt, pain and betrayal have been bought back up. I suppose I am looking for guidance on how you get it to stop. My mother is complicit in all of this as she is the only point of contact between him and I. My mother always plays the poor me card and my brother is the rescuer, at one point she and I went to counselling, which she found difficult so he phoned the counsellor and threatened to sue her. I understand that this is not my fault but the stress is making me ill and effecting my family so any tips in learning how to let go would be much appreciated. Thank you

[Kwamina]

Hi Fizz74

Sorry to hear you are dealing with so much stress. Something that many members (including me) have found helpful is mindfulness/meditation. Have you perhaps ever practiced this?

Being able to identify the dysfunctional dynamics is the first step towards breaking the cycle of conflict and dysfunction

You are already dealing with your brothers e-mails quite well I think, but I still want to point you to our article about dealing with hostile communications:
Dealing with hostile communications - Keep it B.I.F.F. (Brief, Informative, Friendly (as in civil), Firm

Here's a short excerpt:

Do You Need to Respond?

Much of hostile mail does not need a response... .The letter itself has no power, unless you give it power. Often, it is emotional venting aimed at relieving the writer’s anxiety. If you respond with similar emotions and hostility, you will simply escalate things without satisfaction, and just get a new piece of hostile mail back. In most cases, you are better off not responding.

Some letters and e-mails develop power when copies are filed in a court or complaint process—or simply get sent to other people. In these cases, it may be important to respond to inaccurate statements with accurate statements of fact. If so, use a BIFF response.

To help you in your communications with your mother, I also encourage you to take a look at some other communication techniques:
Express your truth - S.E.T.: Support, Empathy, Truth

Assert yourself - D.E.A.R.M.A.N.: Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Stay Mindful, Appear Confident and Negotiate

These structured ways of communicating help reduce the likelihood of (further) conflict while maximizing the likelihood of getting through to the other person. Following the scripts can also help you stay more calm yourself. The D.E.A.R.M.A.N. technique in particular is aimed at asserting ourselves and expressing needs for change. Were you perhaps already familiar with these techniques?

Take care and welcome to bpdfamily

The Board Parrot

[Mutt]

Hi Fizz74,  

My son doesn't want anything to do with him but I am finding it very difficult to get past as all the old feelings of hurt, pain and betrayal have been bought back up.

Your son doesn't need to know about that and it would be dragging him into the cycle of drama, now if he was an adult then he could make that choice to hear his uncle our or not. I can see how that would trigger old feelings, and I think that you took the right step with seeking help. You're right, with you, your brother and your mother, that makes a triangle. Is your mom BPD? For the sake of this post, I'll say that she is, BPD is a persecution complex and the person believes that their circumstances are caused externally and not by the choices that they make. A pwBPD will often cast themselves in the role of victim and sometimes in the role of rescuer and cast you in either the role of rescuer or persecutor, a triangle keeps blame and drama ongoing, to remove yourself from this dynamic you need to move yourself to the center of the triangle by not siding with any side of the triangle.

Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle

[Fizz74]

Thank you for both replies I will look into the techniques suggested as I am always looking for ways to "grow" out of this situation. I am only too aware that this triangle is something that was inherited by my Mother from hers and that I come from a longline of dysfunctional families! Never talked about, that was just how it was, siblings not talked to, black sheep in every generation, if you didn't comply then you were bullied until you did; so much damage, so much pain. I have learned to not get involved, to not be helpful, to not volunteer, to say no and stop feeling guilty when I do. I am not my Mothers parent nor my brothers keeper, it helps me to think of him as a drama queen, feather boa and all! But it is hard especially when they threaten my boys and I have to remind myself to not fall into the bad habits of the past and stay strong and grounded for they benefit.

[Turkish]

Hi Fizz74,

I just wanted to pop in and say that despite how difficult it must be to engage in this,  you're showing strength keeping your kids out of it.

T

[Kwamina]

Hi Fizz74

Dealing with these things definitely is though.

I am not my Mothers parent nor my brothers keeper... .

What you say here is very true indeed. Caring about others is good, but it is important for us to also have boundaries to protect ourselves and prevent us from completely taking care of them. Finding the right balance can be tricky, but being caring without completely taking care of others is probably the best approach to preserve our well-being, especially in the long-run.

How are things now?