Getting too close to nPD Dad?

[todayistheday]

My mom is uBPD.  Or I call it h-BPD, for hypothesized by my therapist.

I was the scapegoat child until I actually escaped.  Now sweet Dad is the target of her mean-ness.  He was ever since they got married, it turns out.

I told Dad about BPD and gave him my copy of SWOE.  For years, he continued to blame himself.  We have been through a lot since then. A surgery for my Dad, two for my Mom.  Mom does not treat him right.

So after Dad and I slowly opened up to each other about Mom's condition, he has started trusting me a bit more and more.  He can't talk to my sister much.  She lives next door, but she is busy with 3 kids.  She won't go over there because of them being at each other's throats.

I think Dad doesn't have anyone else to talk to. So he will tell me things that happened with Mom.  And he tells me about his health issues before telling her.  She gets mad at people other than herself for being sick and says that we are either faking or it's our fault and we did something wrong to be sick.  Which makes it hard for me now to admit when I'm sick, even though my husband takes good car of me and does not act that way.

Some of what he's started telling me is TMI for me with him being my Dad.  I know things about him that nobody else knows.  Not bad things, but things like what he does in his alone away from her time**.  And health issues, even ones that are very personal.  He doesn't tell her about health problems because he doesn't want any backlash.  One of the less personal problems is foot pain.  He has a friend who is a podiatrist and I told him that he needs to talk to that friend and likely needs to schedule an appointment.

I don't want to tell him TMI because I don't know if he has anyone to talk to and he sure deserves someone to just love him for being him.  So I must try to adjust to the new father/daughter relationship as having some "therapist" aspects as well.  Mostly, it's just us being closer, though.  It all goes back to Mom.  His wife should be his best friend.  But now his daughter (me) is.  If Mom was gone, he would have to look to me.  And in some ways she is. 


PS-
** What he does in his spare time is interesting. He loves Hallmark movies and love stories.  He likes "pretty girls".  (He is 81 years old and doesn't act a day over 50).  I think it's because he doesn't have happy endings that he likes them so much.

[Kwamina]

Hi again todayistheday

I think Dad doesn't have anyone else to talk to. So he will tell me things that happened with Mom.  And he tells me about his health issues before telling her.
... .
Some of what he's started telling me is TMI for me with him being my Dad.  I know things about him that nobody else knows.  Not bad things, but things like what he does in his alone away from her time**.  And health issues, even ones that are very personal.
... .
I don't want to tell him TMI because I don't know if he has anyone to talk to and he sure deserves someone to just love him for being him.

I also remember from your previous posts how much you care for your dad. It is sad that he is in such a difficult marriage with your mother and I understand that you would like to offer him a listening ear so he might feel somewhat less alone. At the same time it is also important for you to remain mindful of your own boundaries and what you find comfortable and/or acceptable. Finding the right balance can be tricky, but I think it is possible to be caring while at the same time setting certain boundaries. How does that sound to you?

How does having a relationship with your dad that contains 'therapist' aspects make you feel?

PS-
** What he does in his spare time is interesting. He loves Hallmark movies and love stories.  He likes "pretty girls".  (He is 81 years old and doesn't act a day over 50).  I think it's because he doesn't have happy endings that he likes them so much.

It could be that he is using these movies as a coping mechanism to help him get through the day. He might also be using these movies to in a way at least in his mind create the live he always longed for but did not experience in reality. Like you say, quite possibly to experience those happy endings that have remained elusive. Has he perhaps told you himself why he likes these movies so?