First Post - not sure I belong here

[CycleBreaker123]

This is my first time posting in any sort of self-help community of any kind.   My situation occurs to me as somewhat "lighter" than most of the posts I've encountered here in that the person in my life who has all the classic symptoms of BPD is no longer a romantic partner, nor a spouse, she's really "just" a friend at this point.  We've been friends for six years since our initial romance ended.    We were involved initially, for about 18 months  - 12 months was pretty much ideal, it started as a "casual" connection - basically a "fling", that grew more and more intense over the course of the year.    K was in college at the time, I am somewhat older (10 yrs) and was really not looking for anything serious, or more to the point, I certainly wasn't looking for anything serious with a person so much younger than me.    Things between us started to unravel the very day after I let her know that I was developing more serious feelings for her - the next day we had our first real "fight", and the first time she showed me a truly mean/ugly side to her that I was frankly shocked to discover.   In my world, until that point, people just did not say to each other the type of venomous things she said to me.    It was almost as if she sensed that now I was "hooked", therefore she gave herself permission to behave really badly.   The next six months were increasingly worse and worse, she was often in very foul moods, would snap at me for any manner of petty things, etc.    Finally I had enough, indicated that I needed to pull back, after which she unleashed a torrent of hatred that actually frightened me - I've kept the email/Instant Message exchange from that time - sometimes I will reread it just to refresh how awful she was.   

We didn't speak for six months after that, during that time I learned all about BPD (she had told me she had a mental illness on our second date, but never specified a diagnosis).   Finally I reached out to her, determined that I would become somebody in her life who would not abandon her, even though it was now more than obvious that we were not going to be a romantic duo.   She was quick to begin talking to me again - I had become involved with somebody who would become my wife the following year - K was seeing somebody as well, as typically the case, he wasn't treating her very well, etc.     So K and I became friends, it never was awkward, I don't think she ever considered me a romantic potential after that, I know that I didn't think of her that way - I mean, sure I was attracted, but the painful memory of her darker side was just too present - I was "over it", plain and simple.   We weren't a romantic connection - but our friendship seemed to work.   

Over time, more and more our friendship became about helping her out of some sort of crisis - be it financial, emotional, family.   I think I became some sort of surrogate parent in her life - and while I didn't mind seeing myself as a mentor ( she was studying to become a computer engineer, my chose field and was on track to be the first in her very messed up family to graduate from a university).    We became quite close, actually - slowly the secretive walls she had constructed came down, she could talk openly about her insecurities, etc.   Every six months or so, we would repeat the pattern that led to our first breakup - she would get really emotional with me, confess some sort of deep dark secret about her past, then the following day she would find some reason to become incredibly offended - block all contact - go totally silent, etc.   Usually I would let two or three months go by before contacting her again, and we would repeat the cycle. 

Anyway, that's where we are - I've pretty much accepted her splitting me a few times a year - I don't take her over-the-top verbal diatribes terribly seriously any more like I did at first - and given that the relationship is not romantic, not exclusive, and not front and center to me, it's easier for me to unhook for awhile.   Until quite recently I had no intention of walking away from K, convincing myself that my hanging in there with her was somehow helpful to her - and frankly I kind of liked being in the "white night" sort of role - and she certainly was skilled at being a damsel in distress.   Anyway, now K is finally getting ready to graduate - it ended up taking her seven years, with lots of breaks for various reasons - one time she attempted suicide and ending up taking a year off, another time, she dropped out suddenly and then spent six months trying to convince the university to take her back.   But as she is approaching her graduation (June), she has certainly upped the intensity of becoming upset, and is acting maybe worse than ever before.   And that's what I wish to explore by posting here, or wherever I should be posting.   Again, given the relationship is not this "life or death" thing for me, I'm not sure where I belong.   Truth is, I don't understand why I seem so hooked into her, and why her irrational anger directed at me bothers me as much as it seems to.   Even though I know it's kind of a "game" to her, and that the horrible things she says sometimes really don't "mean" anything other than her expressing how much pain she is in - I do find myself pulled back to her in odd ways that I don't understand - and that's why I'm here. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JoeBPD81]

Hi there, welcome to the family.

We are certainly ready to understand the pull they have for us, I mean, we understand that you have it, as well as we ourselves don't understand very well why we have it.

There is a sense of fairness that acts in two ways:

- We know life didn't treat them fairly, so we act against that wanting to compensate something for them, make life, the world a little fairer for them, kinder, compasionate, equal... .whatever. We get angry at the world for treating them wrong, and we act. And we all like to feel we help.

- They don't treat us fairly. So we get angry, or at least hurt, when they treat us badly when we just wanted to help. So we experience a strong pull back and forth.

I don't think you are the only one in your position, ex-romantic partner and friend. But your perspective can help others in here too.

You seem to know your things, and handle it pretty well. We try to not judge and accept, and listen. But this wouldn't be useful if we didn't learn something too, so at times people kindly could point out things that can be improved.

I think you wouldn't put judgements on her. But it's a step further to not think in those terms even to yourself. Maybe " I know it's kind of a "game" to her", "would snap at me for any manner of petty things" are (understandable) judgements that could make it harder to understand her or the situation. But all in all, I think she is lucky to have you as a friend.

I'm curious about how your wife takes this, or her romantic partners, if they know. It's something private and you don't have to talk about it. But I wonder if my relationship ended, if I could still be in her life (and her kids' life) and still be able to be on a couple myself. I feel I can't. I feel I'm bound to her, and even as friends she would be too central in my life.

[Tattered Heart]

Welcome to the board ,

Being in a romantic relationship with someone is not a requirement for this board. We have a couple people on this board that are friends with someone with BPD and just want to learn how to improve their relationship with them. I hope you can find lots of support and maybe come to a better understanding of what makes you so drawn to her.

[CycleBreaker123]

I'm curious about how your wife takes this, or her romantic partners, if they know. It's something private and you don't have to talk about it. But I wonder if my relationship ended, if I could still be in her life (and her kids' life) and still be able to be on a couple myself. I feel I can't. I feel I'm bound to her, and even as friends she would be too central in my life.

I'm quite transparent about the K situation with my wife, she knows that K is a somewhat troubled friend of mine, perhaps she doesn't know that I'm as bothered by the situation as I let on (that's why I'm here in the first place.)   Contrarily, K is incredibly secretive about most everything in her life, all of her socialization is strictly one-on-one, in the six years I've known K, I have yet to meet ONE PERSON who knows her, not a friend of hers, not a relative, school peer, nobody.   It took almost a year for K to reveal basic details of her life and family structure (multiple broken marriages, multiple step-parents and half siblings on both sides) .   I am not aware of K mentioning me to anybody in her life.   K's behavior regarding "us" would make sense if we were having some sort of inappropriate relationship, but there is nothing at all inappropriate going on, so her treating everything and everyone in her life as some sort of big secret has always occurred to me as one of the stranger things about her. 

[JoeBPD81]

Thanks for telling.