Big style off balance

[Lollypop]

Hi

The first sign of my off balance was when I heard my BPDs26 in an argument with his GF on the phone. They've a rocky relationship. Wow, it was disturbing hearing him scream and her scream back for hours. I very nearly interfered to say "stop now, this has gone too far". I stayed out of it. My BPDs26 is a quiet BPD and I know that he struggles with the GF as she triggers him relentlessly.  Anyway, it turns out that she cuts, emotionally manipulates him and is very needy. He obviously struggles coping, trying to fix and all the other complexities that come with attempting to support somebody.  He can't look after himself so why on earth he feels he can do this is beyond me. She goes to Uni in Oct and their relationship is concerning. BUT I've avoided the dramas and will continue to do so.

I've been away for a great relaxing break with H and youngest son. It was wonderful but have found myself weeping since I got back. I'm struggling. I haven't broken down for nearly two years, yes there's been significant progress in our BPDs since he returned home, but it's a strain. A constant strain.  My BPDs needs me and my emotional support more and more - this makes sense as he's starting to feel uncomfortable.

We've had steady progress and BPDs has set himself achievable goals and met them eventually. His confidence has grown. Our house is easy.

BUT

I can see that there's been very little progress in my BPDs (if any) since the end of January.  He'd hoped to book his very last training course at the end of this month but there's no way he'll manage it.  He's low, not coping and bouncing around emotionally with the GF. He's feeling the strain yet resists taking action on chasing treatment. He's stuck.  I'm reacting to it.

I knew that he'd struggle while we were away.  He was invited to join us but he declined.  I called him on our last day and he told me he wasn't good.

Yesterday was a good example. I get a text in the morning "I really need the NHS to hurry up mum I love you".  I reply, validate, point out there's an emergency number on the letter he was sent and asked him what he wanted to do.  "I'm scared, I can't do this alone, everything's getting worse".  BECAUSE I'm struggling I didn't validate but told him that he knows that we can't do these things for him, we wait patiently for him to take care of himself and seeking professional help is part of this. He's not alone and we're here beside him as he makes his own decisions. I knew that this isn't what he wanted to hear. He got home, walked to the woods got high, came home and holed himself in his room then sought out his GF later that night for solace.

I'm highly emotionally at the moment and can't quite think straight. Yesterday I spent most of the day feeling physically sick.  Today, I feel calmer and have revised up on communication skills and BPD. It helped me refocus.

I'm just not sure that what I seek is possible given the complexities of BPD and my skillset. I do of course recognise and applaud his achievements over the last 16 months but the key problems still exist.

BPDs is not motivated to:

- be drug free
- actively seek treatment
- learn skills like self soothing to help himself
- live on his own

How on earth can I carry on with this situation indefinitely?

This forum has been fantastic. We've now got a relationship with our BPDs and that's a blessing. The fact is we just don't want him living with us anymore. We are happier when he's not around. The small things like the smell of weed is just too invasive on our lives.

I've spoken with my H and we agree that we feel he's not yet ready to live on his own. With a prevailing wind and steady progress he may be ready in say 6 months.  Is this us just prevaricating or being fearful or not having the confidence in him?  I've told H that I think we will have to provide some financial support initially to help him on his way but that can be viewed as going backgrounds?

I've tried so very hard keeping to the rule "everything he should do for himself, he should do himself".  

I've stopped myself from making an enquiry about private treatment.

Feeling sad and at a loss at the moment.

LP.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[bpdmom99]

Hey Lollypop,
I have seen and admired your insightful, thoughtful replies to many people who are struggling on this message board.  Sometimes we can carry that load and confidence and help others on the journey.  At other times, we need people to help carry us.

It sounds like you are an extremely caring and thoughtful parent.  You have done a lot of reading and are well versed in the communication skills that work well in these situations.  But at the end of the day, we are all human.  We all grieve.  We all struggle.  There are no straightforward 'right' or 'wrong' ways to deal with things.  We can only do the best we can in the moment with the tools that we have.

I am sorry that I have no helpful advice to give you.  But I do wanted to say that I hear your pain, and your desire to do your best for your son and your family.  And it sounds like you are doing just that.  Go gentle on yourself ... .one day at a time... .

[Lollypop]

Hi BPDmom

I feel a lot better today. Thanks so much for your response.

I'm amazed actually. My BPDs is a quiet BPD and most of the time it's difficult to know what's going on. Today he opened up, was able to express himself clearly and demonstrated that he's listening to me.

Repeated validation in a soft and loving environment does get through.

He's ready for treatment. He gave his gf a boundary for his own self protection. He is desperately sad, feels suicidal but is functioning, just. I'm just so relieved to hear him speak quite rationally about his problems.

I enquiried about a treatment facility today - Khiron House. There's no way we can afford the residential option. They treat BPD trauma with EMDR, Sensorimotor Psychotherapy and Somatic Experiencing and do not offer DBT.  So not ideal. I haven't told my BPDs about this. Gently forwards. Good advice!

I've left his care in his hands and hope he'll chase up his appointment through the NHS.

LP

[Yepanotherone]

Oh LP big huge hugs to you , you are so strong and are doing so very well , but no one is super human my lovely   I'm having a pretty s***ty day myself , just down in the dumps and feeling sorry for myself , I want my old life back where everything was normal and happy and carefree ! I'm so tired of this whole fight and want it to go away . Why can't my family be normal and happy again like all my friends on Facebook !   
You've been at this a long time LP, you are bound to feel the strain so don't be hard on yourself . You're doing an amazing job and are quite entitled to have your moments of feeling low . It certainly sounds like it would be a good thing for the relationship that your son shared with the GF would just peter out so that he can focus on himself and become stronger in managing the difficult aspects of the a romantic relationship . Maybe her moving away in October will be a blessing .I've no words is wisdom to share , just wanted to give you a big huge hug .xxx

[Lollypop]

Hi Yep

I guess nobody said "life's gonna be fair"!

I'm sorry you're having a bad too. We all want a "normal" family life, sometimes we look back and want what we had. All perfectly understandable and we get to a point hopefully that we can just accept, with acceptance the suffering ends. I thought I was there but clearly not as that curve ball hit me this week.

I stopped Facebook. I found it too uncomfortable reading the posts "10 ways my daughter makes me so proud", another holiday house dressing up activity, my head is in another place and I found myself grumpy and irritated. With respect most of The lives portrayed on social media aren't real and I lost my sense of humour along the way. Grump grump.

In fact I've even avoided spending time with friends; lives with joy is hard to face! It's been months and it's self preservation I guess. I'm fragile and didn't see the signs.

I discovered my BPDs is terrified of the refrigerator aisle in supermarkets; sometimes he can't walk down it. The noise affects him. I'm starting to wonder if there's something else wrong, I can't wait for his treatment to start and fearful at the same time. How to ensure you get good quality treatment. This is a big deal and a new place for me to be.

There's no normal Yep!  Keep going learning the skills and improving your relationship. Breathe in between!

Hugs
LP

[heartandwhole]

Lollypop,

I so admire your strength and steadfastness in this. I am glad that you are feeling better today, and can very well understand your difficult days. As others have said, we do the best we can. Some days we are not strong and centered and we need support. Those days can be very uncomfortable, but they are important, too, in my view. They remind us that we have needs that can't be ignored, that witnessing someone we love struggling can be heartbreaking, and that we can't "fix" the problem, as much as we'd like to.

These can be difficult things to accept and feel. I think it's wonderful that you allowed yourself to feel sad, even if just for a day. I hope you'll keep honoring your emotions and even the conflicts inside of you. They are part of loving, right?  

[Lollypop]

Thanks for the support

Basically, I've been knocked off balance because the 14 months of steady progress ground to a halt and was followed by a slow downward spiral of 3 months. The more uncomfortable my BPDs, the more I've become uncomfortable. I've not reacted but struggled to cope.

I don't get anxious any more about having to approach my BPDs so I guess our relationship and my skillset have both improved.

It's the "stuck" while I'm enabling that is difficult. I start to question myself.

I decided this morning that something had to change. I decided to place pressure on BPDs to seek treatment. I got home to find he'd already taken the decision himself (apparently his letter gave a 7 day deadline). This combined with a lack of   Available work and financial worries has tipped him over towards action. Hallelujah!

GP visit - tick. 16 months wait for him to decide to seek help.

Triage community nurse assessment - tick. 4 weeks.

More detailed assessment to decide next step - TODAY

Many hoops to jump through. Faltering steps but forwards we go.

LP

[wendydarling]

Hi Lollypop

Late here to the conversation, glad you felt better the following day LP. Oh those spirals push us off balance as do when our children don't communicate, we feel stuck and we assume nothing is happening when progress is actually being made and any progress however small keeps HOPE at the forefront. Good man for following up his appointment within 7 days.  I sometimes wonder if I’m mirroring my DD, she often puts on a brave face - I sense her inner turmoil and struggle and I WOBBLE. I’m managing the best I can through self-care and bounce back to balance quickly which is good.

Have you introduced any new self care recently? Yesterday I made a big decision to step down (in October) from a charity I’ve chaired the last four years.  Takes up a fair amount of my time and at this point I’d like to invest more time in my personal needs and growth.

Look forward to hearing your DS's next steps 

WDx

[Lollypop]

Hi WD

This forum, my degree, family keep me busy enough. Sadly, I see less of my friends than I'd like. They don't get the art degree thing and a gap has appeared and I can feel it get wider.  

Self care? I've downloaded a free meditation app today called insight. I'm thinking about yoga classes but I'm round as a butter ball and quite self conscious. Having a house of men makes bubbly baths etc quite difficult. I can try harder.

Small steps.  

Let me get GCSEs over with, BPDs through his next hurdle and my degree deadlines over with. I'm counting down to June.

I'm glad you're practising self care. It's just so easy to become too focussed on our adult children's needs. Balance isn't always easy, WD.

LP

Today's assessment went well but they ran out of time. Second half is tomorrow. BPDs says he feels better taking some control. Already talking about OCD.