How much of an explanation is required?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I am thinking through the various "breaking up" scenarios and I have the following concerns.

1) pwBPD is potentially a physical threat, I am honestly frightened to approach a "final" conversation in person unless it is in a busy public place.

2) pwBPD is the type who needs to feel he has been heard, and also the type who needs the last word. It is why we get caught in multiple hour conversations. I can't seem to break him from his "loop". If I end things with a phone call or text that I end on MY timing and then proceed to block the number (and I feel I would need to block the number, I don't trust myself to not respond otherwise), I worry that he will feel compelled to show up at my house or job in an effort to finish the conversation and find his closure. I desperately want  to avoid either of those events.

3) I feel certain that no well reasoned argument will be heard. I am happy to take the blame (I'm hurting you and no longer want to, or some version of this sentiment), but he will demand a more complete explanation. (Please refer to #2)

I know that there is no version of this scenario that will be easy or painless. I would just love feedback on how to do this in the most fair and clean way. Do I owe him an explanation? Do I just need to drop the bomb and go no contact? Do I do that in text/on the phone, or do I "owe" him a face to face somewhere. I would NOT have that conversation unless I was in a public place.

Thoughts?

[Lalathegreat]

I am thinking through the various "breaking up" scenarios and I have the following concerns.

1) pwBPD is potentially a physical threat, I am honestly frightened to approach a "final" conversation in person unless it is in a busy public place.

2) pwBPD is the type who needs to feel he has been heard, and also the type who needs the last word. It is why we get caught in multiple hour conversations. I can't seem to break him from his "loop". If I end things with a phone call or text that I end on MY timing and then proceed to block the number (and I feel I would need to block the number, I don't trust myself to not respond otherwise), I worry that he will feel compelled to show up at my house or job in an effort to finish the conversation and find his closure. I desperately want  to avoid either of those events.

3) I feel certain that no well reasoned argument will be heard. I am happy to take the blame (I'm hurting you and no longer want to, or some version of this sentiment), but he will demand a more complete explanation. (Please refer to #2)

I know that there is no version of this scenario that will be easy or painless. I would just love feedback on how to do this in the most fair and clean way. Do I owe him an explanation? Do I just need to drop the bomb and go no contact? Do I do that in text/on the phone, or do I "owe" him a face to face somewhere. I would NOT have that conversation unless I was in a public place.

Thoughts?

[flourdust]

There are no kids, no marriage, no legal entanglements? You don't live together?

That being the case, you've expressed concern about physical violence and about inability to have a civil conversation.

The short answer is that you don't owe him anything. You could ghost him if you wish. I hear you want to be kinder than that, but also to protect yourself from unnecessary conflict.

Safety first. Do not meet him. If you are concerned he might come to your home or workplace, let people know and perhaps arrange to have a friend with you or to be elsewhere for a while.

Secondly, you can engage as much or little as YOU want. Remember that you are in control. Write him, text him, call him -- it's up to you. Engage until YOU are done. If you call, and the conversation begins to go circular or abusive, hang up. If you email, and he writes back a long demanding screed, ignore it.

This can be the hardest part of the breakup (physical safety concerns aside) -- freeing yourself from that imaginary obligation to engage.

[Lalathegreat]

You have it exactly right - the only entanglements are the emotional ones. Logistically there is nothing to untie - Thank God.

I think you hit the nail on the head when you state "the imaginary obligation to engage." I am having such a hard time letting go of that sense that I owe him some sort of closure. Mainly because the thought of investing so much in someone and then having them entirely stop all contact with no warning or explanation makes me feel gutted. I can't imagine doing that to someone else. Of course I also don't generally make a habit of emotionally abusing and spitting on the people I claim to care about so there's that. Ho hum... .

Thank you for your input!

[flourdust]

Yes! The term that gets used here is "the FOG." Fear, Obligation, and Guilt -- your own desire to behave considerately twisted against you.

I think this paragraph from one of the workshops sums it up nicely:

The price we pay when we repeatedly yield to unfavorable demands is enormous. It eats away at us and escalates until it puts our most important relationships and our whole sense of self-respect in jeopardy. Our compliance condones bad behavior and every time we reward someone for a particular action, whether we realize it or not, we’re letting them know in the strongest possible terms that they can do it again.

The rest of the piece is here -- some good strategies to help with decision-making: Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

[PeteWitsend]

two thoughts:

1) Your concern in point #2 is completely reasonable.  And most likely what would happen. "why are you leaving me?" is not a good faith question, but an opportunity for him to "prove" you wrong, and convince you not to leave.

don't give him the chance... .send a letter.  if you don't want to go no-contact completely drop the letter off at some time you know he's not home or is asleep and text him a heads up that you decided to end it, but in fairness wanted to give him your reasons in a letter.

2) if you're concerned about violence, maybe mention this to him, and warn him to stay away or you will call the police.  You can try to "sugar coat" this a bit by saying you expect he'll do the right thing, but are afraid because of his past conviction for domestic abuse & the anger he's directed at you.

good luck with whatever you decide

[KateCat]

I'm with flourdust and PeteWitsend. You are thinking very clearly here. 

One thing a number of members here have had good success with is visiting their local police precinct station in advance of executing a break-up. Local law enforcement can be a fount of information and assistance in matters like these.

You won't be needing police "civil stand-by" assistance to retrieve belongings or to assist movers. But they may have some other suggestions for you.

Is it possible your guy might already be known to police for any reason? Was that "something or other" court case in your district, or another district in your state? Criminal justice databases can be pretty powerful.

The idea of a letter in which you tell him frankly that you're afraid of him sounds appealing to me, but maybe you could run various scenarios for break-up message by police/professionals before making your decision. He's about to experience a painful consequence of his own actions, and that is sad too. You've seen him struggle to try to control himself, but you've also seen him fail to have real insight into his behaviors. Scary mix.

So glad you're taking the time and care and effort to think this all the way through. Good work.

[formflier]

 freeing yourself from that imaginary obligation to engage.

This is the real issue.

Please don't make any moves until you have that straight in your thinking.  

That being said, I think I have a strategy that will help you be more steadfast in your thinking.

Some of this idea is based on this book

www.barnesandnoble.com/p/love-must-be-tough-james-c-dobson/1102239171/2673978474838?st=PLA&sid=BNB_DRS_Marketplace+Shopping+Books_00000000&2sid=Google_&sourceId=PLGoP4094&k_clickid=3x4094

What I suggest you communicate is that you are "done" with the relationship you are in now.  If he can take verifiable (one way) steps to a better relationship, then you are open (but not promising) a continued romantic r/s with him.  I would NOT give him a list... that's like "setting the minimums"... .he will jump under it...

I think I have a pretty good sense of who you are as a person, you seem to be about second chances (and third... .fourth... .).  That's a good thing.  You believe the best in people.  That's a good thing too, but can be problematic with pwBPD.

Part of the Dobson book that applies is that sometimes you have to love someone enough to let them go. (with some guidance on how they can find you.... if THEY are interested).

This only works if you are firm that the only possibility of being back together is through health.  

Basically... it's putting the ball in their court.

Tell me again what your BF does for therapy... treatment... .working on himself?

FF