What excuses were you given?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

The first time my exBPD ended our relationship she told me it was because I was passive aggressive, not a happy person, didn't appreciate her, was too critical of her, didn't buy her an engagement ring (in the first month of dating), didn't put her on my checking account (again, first month) and didn't like Christmas (no really - she said that. I like Christmas).

I then found out she was cheating on me.

So, I get recycled (I know, bad move on my part).  She ends it again... .says I couldn't satisfy her in bed, ouch!  We had sex for three years without a single mention that she wasn't satisfied.

So ladies and gents... .what excuses were you given?

[g2outfitter]

The first time my exBPD ended our relationship she told me it was because I was passive aggressive, not a happy person, didn't appreciate her, was too critical of her, didn't buy her an engagement ring (in the first month of dating), didn't put her on my checking account (again, first month) and didn't like Christmas (no really - she said that. I like Christmas).

I then found out she was cheating on me.

So, I get recycled (I know, bad move on my part).  She ends it again... .says I couldn't satisfy her in bed, ouch!  We had sex for three years without a single mention that she wasn't satisfied.

So ladies and gents... .what excuses were you given?

[Turkish]

"You abandoned me. It felt just like my father!"

Lots of other reasons communicated,  but the above was the most honest and significant. Though tried for a month or so (while she was engaged in another relationship), I knew when she told me that,  it was beyond saving.  That wound was too deep.  This was in 2013. She moved out months later to be with the other guy she'd marry 1.5 years later but from whom she is now seperated.

Last Sunday,  Easter, I was at her parents' house.  Grandpa (the father in question) was watching the grandkids in the driveway. Our kids are 4 and 7, their cousin is 3. When he came inside,  grandma caught it about the same time we (who were inside) did.  "Who's watching the kids?" I'm not fluent in Spanish but I understood.  He said sorry,  affably, and went back outside. The kids were in no immediate danger,  though they live on a busy street; we could see them from the window.  Still,  they needed supervision.

My ex's younger sister made a derogatory comment about their dad, "he needs to be there for them like he never was for us!" My ex defended him,  "yes,  but he was always working.  He doesn't know." They were in Mexico and their dad was in the USA when they were little... .

Not to excuse the other inexcusable things their dad did back in the day (serial cheater, DV), but it gave me hope that my ex is at a point where she could view the past with some amount of mercy.  

Never underestimate the emotional significance of FOO. It's something no one can rescue from or fix.  A very senior member here once said,  "you can't fix your problems with one person with a completely different person.  It's impossible."

I'm not saying this was the deal in your case,  but in retrospect, it was in mine... .from both sides.

[roberto516]

"I think we want different things" and "I just don't want to be in a relationship" sometimes I'd get "I guess im still angry and resentful about stuff". Everytime I tried to ask clarifying questions I'd get "I don't know" or "leave me alone I not fighting with you". Mind you I'd ask those questions pretty calmly.

[earlyL]

I found out my exBPD had started an affair and after six weeks of a discard she said she wanted to move out and date other people - including me. She laughed and said she didn't have anyone lined up when I said I didn't want that kind of relationship.

A few weeks later she was with the new lover at the launch of our company. I actually found her diary during all of this and the last note about which one of us she wanted to be with said 'E (me) knows that I have kissed someone else, what if she is never able to kiss me the same way again' I have read so much on here about emotional maturity and I never really understood it. I hate myself for reading the diary, it is not something I have ever done, but it gives me a strange kind of closure. If that is really what she bases a relationship on then I am best out of it. There was nothing about how hurt I was, or how the trust had been broken, all about whether physically I could kiss her again. In a way she was probably right, but it is certainly not something I would have thought the most important considering all the other lies that had gone on.

[happendtome]

My ex said some excuses why, but one thing that i remember best was when she said thats what you have always wanted. When i think about it then yes, she has some truth inside there, but i wouldnt say it was that simple.

[PennyDreadful]

After discovering the hidden credit cards, the thousands spent on porn and the money diverted from his paycheck into an account I didn't know about (we really needed money), I divorced him after 20 years.

But of course none of that mattered because I didn't "pay attention" (to him), I was negative, I abandoned him with 2 broken arms to fend for himself (of course, I never did that!), that after the accident that broke his arms he actually lost so much blood and had to be resuscitated in the street, and no one told me that he actually died because they could tell I didn't care enough. Oh, and the most bizarre accusation... .He didn't like short hair, and I cut my hair on purpose so I would be unattractive and not have to have sex with him.

But you know... .no mention of 20 years of sex cams and secret life... .that pales in comparison to my short hair!

[Pretty Woman]

"You are just not that into me"
"It's always about you"
"You are too busy for me"
"You are a selfish Jerk"

Whenever she was working on a possible replacement she would be texting a lot. She would later tell me she was texting my replacement.

I will say I was always puzzled by the fact she was actually HONEST when called out on things after the fact (when we got back together). She would also do the whole "Well we were broken up" thing and use that as an excuse for her behavior, even though she was emotionally cheating on me prior to the break.

[happendtome]

My ex didnt call me a jerk Other than that it was quite same and yes, they are sometimes HONEST. Talking about their replacement. How happy they make them... .or they just want to see us hurt

[cubicinch]

In the 3 months of trying to date my ex, she:

wanted us to do everything together
didn't want me to do anything on my own or with friends, jealous that I had a social life
said she felt neglected
said that I didn't need a relationship, I'd got friends and interests, that I just wanted company
I lived too far away and she couldn't be bothered with texting (she was hopeless at tech and deciphering messages poorly, and too tight to pay for mobile tariff) and no money for travelling due to personal debts, but it was okay for me to run over to hers...

finally said she felt she didn't need me and wanted to be single again.

Now she's back on the well known dating site where I met her.

[JaxWest]

Mine liked to say I didn't like to leave my comfort zone. I travel... .a lot... .One day she asked me if I wanted to go to Sweden (I am from the USA). My dad was on hospice and was given a few weeks to live. Obviously, my answer is I can't. Then, she snapped at me and said she knew I wouldn't want to go because I don't like to leave my comfort zone? Turns out, my dad died the week that trip occurred. So, had I gone, I wouldn't have b een there with my dad when he passed away.

[cubicinch]

Mine liked to say I didn't like to leave my comfort zone. I travel... .a lot... .One day she asked me if I wanted to go to Sweden (I am from the USA). My dad was on hospice and was given a few weeks to live. Obviously, my answer is I can't. Then, she snapped at me and said she knew I wouldn't want to go because I don't like to leave my comfort zone? Turns out, my dad died the week that trip occurred. So, had I gone, I wouldn't have b een there with my dad when he passed away.

my father is in cancer treatment, my ex GF talked me into forgetting about my folks last christmas and spending it all with her and her alone. I hope it's not my dads last christmas... she even had a fall out with her own father when he was going through cancer, as he told me: she can't face it, she stayed away.

[AustenJ]

mine had just written be a beautiful love letter to me at my request--it was so difficult to get her to open up about her feelings for me in person. She professed her love for me as a person, friend, and lover.

Then less than a week later she told me she was going to see an ex out of state over the holiday break for 10 days... .she was going to help him with an intervention with his alcoholic father, but they decided to go skiing instead. Plus this was the ex that understood her the best because he was with her when she attempted suicide years ago, and she always imagined that when she was ready, he would be the one she would marry some day (of course, she previously said he ended their romantic relationship because she was always cheating on him). But of course he has remained an orbiter for the past 6 years, her BFF.

She ended our r/s in text before she returned, but I had a chance to talk to her in person within a few days of her return. I asked her point blank why she ended us because she was pretty vague about the reason in text... .the question seemed to catch her off guard (which in a normal relationship, and since I was there to get closure, and she had just ended our 5-month relationship, one would think that would be top of mind to her... .) To this day I wish I had just shut my mouth and let her struggle with her response, but as I always did, I bailed her out and gave her the answer... .was it because of her ex? The moment I said it, I knew I had screwed up and she gladly latched onto that excuse.

A couple of weeks later when I texted if she was quitting her job and moving to be
with her ex, she responded that the 10 days with him had not gone especially well, and they had decided that they should just remain friends... .

In the end, it doesn't really matter what their excuses are for discarding us... .their brains and lives are so disordered... .what is true on moment will change the next moment. They are incapable of maintaining a healthy relationship.

[roberto516]

In the end, it doesn't really matter what their excuses are for discarding us... .their brains and lives are so disordered... .what is true on moment will change the next moment. They are incapable of maintaining a healthy relationship.

This is the truth. One moment she didn't want to be with me. The next she did. The next she didn't Impulsive thinking and they react instead of processing the underlying emotion. I had fears all the time in the relationship. But I realized it was my fear of being hurt again. But I knew if I didn't push through I'd self sabotage myself every time. Sadly I picked someone who didn't think that way.

[Pretty Woman]

Jax, I am very glad you were able to be with your father in his last moments and I am very sorry for your loss.
 

Your post really resonates with me. Because it really is "all about them" and THEIR immediate needs, coupled with the "lack of empathy" they possess, they consider anything you do for someone else, that interferes with again, their immediate needs... .

Abandonment.

Sure, the normal everyday person would GET why you needed to be with your family, with your dying father but to your ex, you are selfish because you are not there for HER. You are leaving her to take care of a dying family member.

Abandonment.

When my dad was in the hospital having surgery a few years ago I was a wreck. I was very pre-occupied with getting my dad healthy and back on track... .
and yup
She dumped me. Called me selfish and said I didn't care about our relationship or her. Ran off to an ex she had previously said abused her. Disconnected her number and threatened a RO on me. So while I am terrified of my dad going through a major surgery, I am now distracted, also worrying about my ex getting raped or worse by her ex she just ran back to.

Here was the one time I needed HER support. I needed someone to be there as I tried to help my father... .
and instead I was dumped for being "a good daughter and loving partner".

Does that make any sense? It shouldn't. Hence is the World according to BPD.

So here I am trying to nurse my dad back to health, devastated that I have just been dumped by someone I loved. I try to think of these times, when it's not so painful because these times show me who she really is and why she was not good for me.

My stressing out over this terrible relationship was not helpful in getting my dad back on track.

Of course weeks later, once my dad was out of rehab, who comes bouncing in like nothing ever happened? You guessed it!

Years later, I was in the hospital for Gastric surgery and my ex (we were "on" then) was there with me. Before I went into surgery my dad and GF were both there. During the surgery they went to the cafeteria to have lunch and that is where they stayed until the surgery was over.

A few days after the surgery my ex says to me:

"Your dad literally talked my ear off. I was so pissed I was very close to punching him in the mouth, just to shut him up".
(my dad was nervous-hence the excessive chatting and I, his eldest child was in surgery).

When I look back at the fact I actually STAYED with someone who would even utter those words... .

Because if ANYONE ever hurt my father they would have H E L L to pay... .

I just cannot believe I put her BEFORE all the good people in my life. I really wasted time focusing on the bad and not the good. I am grateful to be in the place I am today but if I had any regrets it would be that it took me so long to figure it out.

But I try not to beat myself up over it.  I haven't dated much in my 42yrs and I never knew BPD existed until this experience (which is now how I am referring to it as because it really wasn't a relationship, at least not in the typical sense).

[roberto516]

Jax, I am very glad you were able to be with your father in his last moments and I am very sorry for your loss.
 

Your post really resonates with me. Because it really is "all about them" and THEIR immediate needs, coupled with the "lack of empathy" they possess, they consider anything you do for someone else, that interferes with again, their immediate needs... .

Abandonment.

Sure, the normal everyday person would GET why you needed to be with your family, with your dying father but to your ex, you are selfish because you are not there for HER. You are leaving her to take care of a dying family member.

Abandonment.
 

I can't resonate with this enough. The first breakup was official after my grandpop died and I went home for Christmas to be with my mom, dad, and brother. Sure I was supposed to go to her family's on christmas eve but I was so depressed, and just wanted to be surrounded by people who loved me. And I knew if I went I'd feel alone and she'd be mad at me for that. I even explained that to her. Then she tells me that I ruined her christmas by not being there. I remind myself of this because it is such a proof that she is not a good human being. She was raised differently. And she did this to cope. It's so sad.

[CorsaG19]

Start to finish... .

'I cant be in a relationship, im not ready'
'Im a bad person. You dont want me'
'Im not what you want. We wouldnt work'
'Your lazy and undermine everything i say'

This final time there wasnt much. Just came and told me she had a new place and was moving out.  Only reading this thread have i realised about the replacement thing haha Im literally laughing at my stupidty now.  Every time we broke up it had always started going down hill because she would suddenly become attached to her phone.  Was always told to stop being jealous and it was only a friend and she was allowed friends.  Made out i was controlling like her ex if i commented on it. Well... .shes been glued to her phone for the last 5 days to a girl who lives an hour away where she used to live... .guess where her new place is?... .onwards and upwards hey

[cubicinch]

I mentioned my father on going cancer treatment; my ex GF sent me a text saying I was only using her as a stop gap to get over to see my parents! As I lived a few hours drive from both parties, but what a thing to say! Just controlling, consuming and jealous. Not to mention psychotic.

[bus boy]

My Xw had many reasons, she hated my family, I couldn't protect her, that one really confused my bc I just didn't know what it was I had to protect her from, I know how to protect my family but Xw was obsessed with being protected. Another reason was I couldn't look after a family, I wasn't the man she married, I wasn't there for her, Xw demanded 100% that I have to be there 100% of the time nothing less. Her reasons were meant to hurt and belittle to make me feel less of a man, she insisted I protect her from her made up stories of imaginary things my family did. But in family court she played the woman who suffered from living with an alcoholic. When Xw left me she told me to thank my family, that I choose them over her and our son. Oh ya she also had "the list", she would say "do I have to read you my list"?

[JaxWest]

It is amazing how self-centered they are. When I was with the 1st BPD, my dad was dying. Everybody else was trying to be there for me, except her. She was only worried about how it affected her. With the 2nd, possible BPD, my mom was and is having some major health issues. She suffered a stroke and is paralyzed. This one was very childish with dealing with it as well. Again, everybody else was friendly and trying to be there for me. Both of them just lacked empathy.

[Swhitey]

She said, "I want to become a whole and independent person, capable of entering into a relationship out of desire and not need"

Ouch... .explains a lot of things though, especially when my savings ran out she bailed. Talk about feeling used... .

[ArtistGuy70]

When I asked why she just couldn't break up with me (or leave me alone after our first breakup) instead of all the lying and cheating, her reply was... .

"I didn't want to be alone."

Truer words were never spoken by her.

[Idsrvt2]

The first time I was discarded it was that he couldn't breathe he felt we were not right for each other as all he does is hurt me without trying... we had plans that night ,,,he dumped me via texts before his doctors appointment.   I was upset the nite prior because he would say his sister didn't want him to see me, the sis never met me. 

The dumping always happened after I said something to him about how I was hurt by his behaviour , although I didn't use the word hurt ever with him as I knew it was a trigger. I was worried about him and stopped by his house and he talked things thru with me and explained how his head was messed up and he will feel horrible for a long time for what he has done to me.
2nd time, was the same type of thing I was mad he was not telling his mom that he had plans with me and asking if they could celebrate her birthday that Monday... ,
He broke up again saying that he belongs alone, we aren't right for each other,  so I stopped by his house and he like always was happy to see me and we acted like a couple, but then he became anxious and wanted me out of the house...
There was another time that he dumped me in person while working... ,he was so cold about it, so I walked up the street to his truck and he said he can't see me that I dint even know what the voices are saying to him right now , but the female persona is dead and he closed the door and drove off.

The final time it was that he felt nothing for no one , had no connections to people ... .and he was going to suggest we don't talk anymore, this again was after I texted I needed a break until he could rejoin the world and be less reclusive ... .I regret how I reacted as I flipped out on him calling him a rapist and telling him I would report him to his work because his behaviour was erratic , he said he would blow a hole in his head, so I msg his mom.
Well to him I harassed the mom,  sent too many texts ( no more than I did during the other breakups).
It was always him saying he was hurting me and he wasn't right in the head and it wasn't fair to me.
I suspect he may have had someone online as the final dumping was because he refused to leave 2nd life.   
He wanted to go in peace and I regret not taking his calls... .
Oh and his attorney told me that he broke up with me due to low self esteem and feeling I deserve better.
I was happy with him and accepted him.    The breakups were always about him although one time he admitted they were because of texts I sent, but he didn't wAnt me to feel bad, so he didn't say that.

We never fought ... .it was just a series of me being dumped as if he thought I would dump him first.

[Skip]

g2outfitter, you're silent in your own thread 

What are you getting from these comments?

[g2outfitter]

g2outfitter, you're silent in your own thread 

What are you getting from these comments?

That any excuse can be given, rational or not.

[AlternateReality]

Oh goodness...

Passive aggressive
Mentally abusive
controlling
manipulative
Isolationist (I apparently tried to isolate her from her friends and family)
Do/Say things to make her Jealous
Jealous


Crazy thing is there is a tad of truth to some of these but they were all induced by her actions... Example:  When you date other men while living in my home, i may tend to get a bit jealous...   I may say your not going to date other men while i support you - Controlling. If you go out on that date i am putting your ___ on the curb - manipulative... So forth and so on...

[RomanticFool]

The best one my exBPD married lover came up with was that her husband had found out about us and we couldn't text anymore. Somehow WhatsApp was fine.

I then asked what her husband had said about me. She replied that he wasn't talking to her but not to worry because he doesn't know it's me. This was followed by two days of hardly any contact and when I questioned her aloofness she replied, 'Everybody in my life says I'm not good enough.'

I told her (for the ten thousandth time) that she was the love of my life but after 14 years she still hadn't left her husband. This despite assuring me that we had a future. She replied: 'I'm going to bed.'

That was a month ago and there has been no contact since. That's how important I am to her after 14 years of on and off craziness.

[Ahoy]

Please remember not to place too much emphasis on what is said by our partners.

Emotionally immature adults with maladaptive coping mechanisms seldom dish out pearls of wisdom (or honesty) when discarding their partners.

I hung on to what was said for far too long. The weight of some of those words felt like they would crush my chest

Recent communication I received allowed me to look back and see the word-salad for what it is, nonsensical accusations from someone who is lashing out, unable to understand why they doing this in the first place.

[g2outfitter]

Please remember not to place too much emphasis on what is said by our partners.

Emotionally immature adults with maladaptive coping mechanisms seldom dish out pearls of wisdom (or honesty) when discarding their partners.

I hung on to what was said for far too long. The weight of some of those words felt like they would crush my chest

Recent communication I received allowed me to look back and see the word-salad for what it is, nonsensical accusations from someone who is lashing out, unable to understand why they doing this in the first place.

Very well said Ahoy... .this is so true.  My exBPD realized that there was no rational reason to end our relationship so she had to come up with something... .anything.  The truth came out weeks later when she finally told me that all her relationships had a two year expiration date.  Ours lasted 3 so I guess that's something to hang my hat on.

[Mutt]

Hi g2outfitter,

That any excuse can be given, rational or not.

I think it would give many guys a wounded ego if they were told that the reason why our exes broke up with us is because we're not good in bed, if you look past the verbal reasons and you look at the core criterion of the disorder, it is intense / unstable interpersonal r/s's, a pwBPD cannot sustain a healthy r/s like we'd want to.

[AlternateReality]

Hi g2outfitter,

I think it would give many guys a wounded ego if they were told that the reason why our exes broke up with us is because we're not good in bed, if you look past the verbal reasons and you look at the core criterion of the disorder, it is intense / unstable interpersonal r/s's, a pwBPD cannot sustain a healthy r/s like we'd want to.

So true... Anytime you try to enforce healthy boundries that are a givin, they can take it a personal attack on their emotional self...   hence the justification of cheating.