Recycle 1,5 months in: 'I'm not looking for anything official'

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Hi there! It's been a year or so since I posted. Long story incoming but it's about a recycle. I guess I'm conflicted about the situation but I still feel like I need to post it in this forum, since this has been my 'home' so to speak about this subject. A fair few trigger warnings!

My ex gf was never diagnosed but in the five year relationship we had I've had me suspisions, mostly because of rage episodes, the pulling and pushing, the incapacity to view things in arguments from my point of view and the quickness in which she replaced me after we broke off 2,5 years ago. She had a replacement in a month time and in a year she started living together with him. Last year she initiated contact multiple times but I always stayed distant, not distant enough of course (that would be No Contact), but clearly stating my boundaries and that I didn't feel like having contact while she was together with her then boyfriend.

Early this year they seperated and she started love bombing me something fierce. Telling me she learned from previous mistakes, how I'm the one that meant something to her, how she now knows how good I was for her, how she has no interest in other men, etcetera. Although I was in a good place in life, having processed the relationship and carved my own (social) life and happy with it, I still fell for it, the sweet words, the being elevated on a pedestal. You all know the drill.

The first month or so went peachy. She wanted to meet me four, five times a week, we did fun stuff like going out for diner, hanging out, etcetera. She made clear while complementing me all the time that she wasn't ready for a relationship yet though, as she just got out her previous one. Okay, I can respect that, and I wasn't sold on being together as a couple together official anyway, as I wanted to know if she really changed and if we could really be together without all the problems. She did state she wanted to be exclusive with me, so that seemed like an okay middle road. She also didn't want any pictures of us together on social media. While it isn't that important to me, the fact that she doesn't want it still gives me a bad feeling in my stomach, like it feels fishy I guess, I dunno.

The past couple of weeks though I've noticed she became more distant. Less apping, not wanting to spend the night apart from a few exceptions, only meeting once or twice a week. While she's busy with work and I respect that, it's not like she wasn't busy in the first month. It's the sudden change of interest - as I percieve it - that gets to me. It feels obvious, like, I can honestly say this is not just in my head. It's different.

So I called her out on it yesterday, trying to be polite and saying I wanted to discuss it, without wanting to make an argument about it. Saying I felt a change in her interest in me. Now if I was dating someone for the first time it would be different, I would understand that sometimes people need some distance every now and then, but having the experience with her from the past it makes me more paranoia, can someone really blame me for that? Of course, it became this huge argument, with a few things she said multiple times that stood out:

- "You are way too paranoia and it puts pressure on me"
- "I'm not ready for something official, I just want to have fun, without the arguments and drama"

I'm like, yeah sure I would like no arguments and drama, but it seems every time I want to talk about this subject, something that really bothers me from a gut kind of feeling, it turns in an argument, so what can I do?

It seems the only way to continue this 'thing' is by just turning of the doubts and strange gut feelings I have and making sure 'we' are having a good time. With no guarantee for the future. I mean, does that really seem fair? The nothing offical part wouldn't bother me so much if she would just give me the attention and love that she gave me in the first month, but with that lacking right now, it's not that strange that I am looking for confirmation of her love for me, right? It also feels like it robs me from the choice of wanting to build a future with her and looking if she has really changed. Because I'm so busy now with figuring out if I can really trust her to not just use me for a while, that I can't focus on really deciding if it even is something I want for the long term.

Am I making any sense here? Anyone else that has been recycled that recognises some things here? I know I am on the leaving board so I guess I will mostly get the 'run' remarks, but I would appreciate some well thought out feedback. Am I in the wrong for seeking for confirmation after she stated that she doesn't want anything official right now, even though in the first few weeks she said all the right things to seduce me and to win me over to hang out with her?

I feel like I'm going crazy... .again. Sigh.

[CloseToFreedom]

Hi there! It's been a year or so since I posted. Long story incoming but it's about a recycle. I guess I'm conflicted about the situation but I still feel like I need to post it in this forum, since this has been my 'home' so to speak about this subject. A fair few trigger warnings!

My ex gf was never diagnosed but in the five year relationship we had I've had me suspisions, mostly because of rage episodes, the pulling and pushing, the incapacity to view things in arguments from my point of view and the quickness in which she replaced me after we broke off 2,5 years ago. She had a replacement in a month time and in a year she started living together with him. Last year she initiated contact multiple times but I always stayed distant, not distant enough of course (that would be No Contact), but clearly stating my boundaries and that I didn't feel like having contact while she was together with her then boyfriend.

Early this year they seperated and she started love bombing me something fierce. Telling me she learned from previous mistakes, how I'm the one that meant something to her, how she now knows how good I was for her, how she has no interest in other men, etcetera. Although I was in a good place in life, having processed the relationship and carved my own (social) life and happy with it, I still fell for it, the sweet words, the being elevated on a pedestal. You all know the drill.

The first month or so went peachy. She wanted to meet me four, five times a week, we did fun stuff like going out for diner, hanging out, etcetera. She made clear while complementing me all the time that she wasn't ready for a relationship yet though, as she just got out her previous one. Okay, I can respect that, and I wasn't sold on being together as a couple together official anyway, as I wanted to know if she really changed and if we could really be together without all the problems. She did state she wanted to be exclusive with me, so that seemed like an okay middle road. She also didn't want any pictures of us together on social media. While it isn't that important to me, the fact that she doesn't want it still gives me a bad feeling in my stomach, like it feels fishy I guess, I dunno.

The past couple of weeks though I've noticed she became more distant. Less apping, not wanting to spend the night apart from a few exceptions, only meeting once or twice a week. While she's busy with work and I respect that, it's not like she wasn't busy in the first month. It's the sudden change of interest - as I percieve it - that gets to me. It feels obvious, like, I can honestly say this is not just in my head. It's different.

So I called her out on it yesterday, trying to be polite and saying I wanted to discuss it, without wanting to make an argument about it. Saying I felt a change in her interest in me. Now if I was dating someone for the first time it would be different, I would understand that sometimes people need some distance every now and then, but having the experience with her from the past it makes me more paranoia, can someone really blame me for that? Of course, it became this huge argument, with a few things she said multiple times that stood out:

- "You are way too paranoia and it puts pressure on me"
- "I'm not ready for something official, I just want to have fun, without the arguments and drama"

I'm like, yeah sure I would like no arguments and drama, but it seems every time I want to talk about this subject, something that really bothers me from a gut kind of feeling, it turns in an argument, so what can I do?

It seems the only way to continue this 'thing' is by just turning of the doubts and strange gut feelings I have and making sure 'we' are having a good time. With no guarantee for the future. I mean, does that really seem fair? The nothing offical part wouldn't bother me so much if she would just give me the attention and love that she gave me in the first month, but with that lacking right now, it's not that strange that I am looking for confirmation of her love for me, right? It also feels like it robs me from the choice of wanting to build a future with her and looking if she has really changed. Because I'm so busy now with figuring out if I can really trust her to not just use me for a while, that I can't focus on really deciding if it even is something I want for the long term.

Am I making any sense here? Anyone else that has been recycled that recognises some things here? I know I am on the leaving board so I guess I will mostly get the 'run' remarks, but I would appreciate some well thought out feedback. Am I in the wrong for seeking for confirmation after she stated that she doesn't want anything official right now, even though in the first few weeks she said all the right things to seduce me and to win me over to hang out with her?

I feel like I'm going crazy... .again. Sigh.

[CloseToFreedom]

Oh and of course the first few weeks I got the whole 'oh what a ass my ex is' talk constantly.

[FantasticMsDox]

You make too much sense. I feel like I am currently going through something similar (I posted my story on the site as well), and yes, it feels like you're going crazy.

I understand your confusion too well. It sucks. She's not gonna commit to you. Have her words ever matched her actions for a long period of time or with consistency?

Early this year they seperated and she started love bombing me something fierce. Telling me she learned from previous mistakes, how I'm the one that meant something to her, how she now knows how good I was for her, how she has no interest in other men, etcetera. Although I was in a good place in life, having processed the relationship and carved my own (social) life and happy with it, I still fell for it, the sweet words, the being elevated on a pedestal. You all know the drill.

The first month or so went peachy. She wanted to meet me four, five times a week, we did fun stuff like going out for diner, hanging out, etcetera. She made clear while complementing me all the time that she wasn't ready for a relationship yet though, as she just got out her previous one. Okay, I can respect that, and I wasn't sold on being together as a couple together official anyway, as I wanted to know if she really changed and if we could really be together without all the problems. She did state she wanted to be exclusive with me, so that seemed like an okay middle road.

^^^^^^ Yeah this sound about right.

Right when you're in a good place in your life with peace you let your guard down. It's like "well seems like enough time has passed, maybe this person got some help, made some changes, put forth some effort" and then BAM! Next thing you know, you're hanging out with them as if no time has passed, things seem good. They drop hints and you, like a regular person take it at face value. I mean, that what we do with our nonBPD friends? We can take what they say a face value because we trust them and don't have to worry about 200+ other motives behind the things they say.

I don't blame you for being paranoid or weary about her. I'm in the same boat as you, friend. my working theory is this:

I think your feelings of paranoia come from the fact that she has broken your trust before and in the time since you guys broke up to now -- absolutely nothing was done on her end to regain your trust. You were NC and not in a relationship so there is even less incentive to sift through all the broken pieces in the foundation of your relationship (friendship, romantic, etc).  Like she got to go off and do her thing, while you took the time to look at the bigger picture, get out of the emotional tornado that was your r/s. By her being able to just waltz back into your life and you guys can (seemingly) pick up where you left off, she doesn't have to do anything. I think it demonstrates a willingness to let this person do as they please to you.

I think for the BPDex it's just easier to just get a new "host"/gf/bf than to actually work on or recover from a previous relationship (even work on themselves). And  Maybe you and 90% of the folks will answer 'yes' to the following question:

Have you ever 'reconnected' or whatever the case may be with your ex while they were single?

Probably not because THEY'RE NEVER SINGLE, they never take the time like nons do, to take a step back and look at the bigger picture. It's just constant distraction after constant distraction. Even more so if they downplay, refuse to acknowledge, their illness and issues. It's fu*king hard when you love and care for that person so much. It's almost like the more you love, and try the worst they and the ship gets. It's a terrible cycle.

But as far as your gut feelings go, I think you're spot on. When our gut tells us that something is off -- it's usually right. Yes, sometimes we can misread a situation or read too much and think too much about it. But, I think that if you felt the need to post here, there's a reason. Because you know the truth. I'm really sorry you're going through this.

[Skip]

Why do recycles fail?

1. Because both parties get back but neither changes.
2. There is left over business from prior to the break-up that the "non" can't let go.

For #1, I note that you have zero posts on any of the relationship skills boards. Those boards are about reinventing who we are and how we interface with partners. I will share that the skills learned there changed my life. I'm not with my "BPD" partner, that ended a decade ago. But I have a really stellar relationship and its largely because I'm a much better partner.

For #2, I can't tell you how many times I've read where partners go back into the relationship but want the "BPD" partner to reconcile the past in some way. This is always a non-starter - BPD or not - it contaminates the new relationship with the problems from the past. It's a lot better to work these issues out in another venue - like here  

It seems the only way to continue this 'thing' is by just turning of the doubts and strange gut feelings I have and making sure 'we' are having a good time. With no guarantee for the future. I mean, does that really seem fair? The nothing offical part wouldn't bother me so much if she would just give me the attention and love that she gave me in the first month, but with that lacking right now... .

Forget everything about your past with her, BPD, and 2016 for a minute.

When our love interest gets a little limp on us, it's always best to role with it, give the person space, work on being more attractive... .above all, don't be needy.

The bigger issue is that you are in a rebound relationship. She bounced out of a relationship and into your arms. Most humans rebound - some more than others - but for the partner (you) it's an inherently risky thing. Why? Because rebounds are healing relationships and the partner is as much or more about healing as they are about being in a relationship.

Some rebounds work out. Many start out intense, but as the healing takes place, the rebounder may no longer be attracted to the relationship.

In your case, where you were in a relationship before, there is the added threat that you go right back to being the same person she left earlier.

OK, now add BPD to the above equation. Emotional impulsiveness. Idealization/devaluation cycles. Trust issues. Weakened executive function.

I think she is telling you that you are and have been her boyfriend-light. She is not sold on you as a couple now (yet, ever) and she wants to see where things will go - no commitment. Don't just hear the "I love you", hear the "nothing official". It puts the "I love you" in context and perspective.

I think she is telling you that you are being needy (in her mind) and she doesn't want to deal with it (needy is bad in any women's eyes, fair or not fair).

My suggestion is that you reconsider what kind of relationship you are in and either decide to go with it (and what works best for that relationship), or tell her what you need (and be prepared for her to exit), or just walk away because it is going to be an uncertain/risky romance for the foreseeable future.

[roberto516]

I was just recycled and discarded this weekend so I will tell you my thoughts. It all went the same way except she didn't find a replacement and it only took about 3 months for her to reach out again. But she had unfriended me on Facebook after the 1st discard and during the second go around she wouldn't re-friend me. That was red flag #1. But I saw her distancing after a week or two and tried to talk about it with her. She said it was her hormones and then she apologized for snapping at me. I was very empathetic about that. But during the recycle she didn't do one kind action for me. It was always me helping her with everything. Buying her food, doing her homework etc. Red flag # 2.

Well anyway I set a boundary about spending the weekend apart after she suggested it but then changed her mind. And that was it. She came back with the classic "i don't want to be in a relationship."

I'm not telling you to run. But I'm here to tell you that this second go around I was the perfect partner for her. Empathetic, understanding, etc. But what I did differently was set some personal boundaries. I joined a softball league and told her about it. I made plans during the initial breakup to go to New Orleans. I broke that news to her and told her she could come but she refused (even though while we were dating she booked a trip to vegas and then invited me after it was all done). And then me telling her "i will wait patiently for you to really want to spend time with me. Because I understand you might still be conflicted." Probably felt abandoned and that was it.

There is nothing you can do. You are a source to fill her void. If she can get that filled without a relationship commitment she will. Mine tried to after the discard. I told her I can't be friends.

One last thing, she said she still has anger and resentments at me from a long time ago and that's probably a reason she discarded me again. So that might come up for you (if she ever expressed that stuff) if you tried again. They don't let resentments go. I had to make the mistake myself even though everyone told me to run away. But it's just an all too fresh and all too personal experience I literally just went through

[Skip]

I saw her distancing after a week or two and tried to talk about it with her... .well anyway I set a boundary about spending the weekend apart after she suggested it but then changed her mind. And that was it. She came back with the classic "i don't want to be in a relationship."

I'm not telling you to run. But I'm here to tell you that this second go around I was the perfect partner for her. Empathetic, understanding, etc. But what I did differently was set some personal boundaries... .

Have you all seen this survey?
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=120215.0

This is a list of why we recycle. It's also a list of why our ex-recycles.
 

• Are we returning to this person because we are in love with them or are we returning to this relationship because it feels safe?  

• Are we afraid to be alone?  

• Do we have abandonment issues?  

• Are we fearful that we cannot find someone as good as them again (a hard one to admit, but I’ve read it many times)?  

• Are we fearful of the next step (dating, financial issues, etc.)

There are many members that recycles 10+ times and keep at it for years. I don't think we can say anything consistent about recycles (some work, some don't) but what we can say is that its really helps to look at why (from both sides) and judge whether the recycle has some foundation under it that makes it likely to survive.
 
In your case, CloseToFreedom, its on some pretty shaky ground and while I probably wouldn't jump, I'd work very hard to stay grounded and not get ahead of myself.

[roberto516]

Have you all seen this survey?
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=120215.0

This is a list of why we recycle. It's also a list of why our ex-recycles.
 

• Are we returning to this person because we are in love with them or are we returning to this relationship because it feels safe?  

• Are we afraid to be alone?  

• Do we have abandonment issues?  

• Are we fearful that we cannot find someone as good as them again (a hard one to admit, but I’ve read it many times)?  

• Are we fearful of the next step (dating, financial issues, etc.)

There are many members that recycles 10+ times and keep at it for years. I don't think we can say anything consistent about recycles (some work, some don't) but what we can say is that its really helps to look at why (from both sides) and judge whether the recycle has some foundation under it that makes it likely to survive.
 
In your case, CloseToFreedom, its on some pretty shaky ground and while I probably wouldn't jump, I'd work very hard to stay grounded and not get ahead of myself.

I don't know if this sounds crazy but I think a part of the recycle was my ego. i didn't want everyone who told me to stay away, including myself, to be proven right. And sure I loved her. Still do. I wanted to prove that I could do better and that it wasn't possible for her to just fall out of love with me. I know better now. But it's the most valid question I can ask myself.

[CloseToFreedom]

I suggested yesterday to do something fun to remind ourselves that we like each other but she wouldn't have it. Fully painted black now, whenI contact I get the leave me alone part.

1,5 month. That was quick. On to healing again I guess. But it hurt. I really thought this time wouldve been different, crazy right? The love bombing of the first month felt so real, so nice.

[Rayban]

My experience with recycles was accepting more pain. I went back for all the wrong reasons.  I knew she wasn't right for me, but I would go back hoping to relive the Idealization phase.

There are great posts on this forum from a member named 2010. He posts about the BPD's need for a reunion fantasy with a partner who is willing to relive it.