My child is asking questions & wants to meet my BPDish parent

[cuckoo]

Hello, I'm new to the forum. I've spent time & money in therapy over the years trying to have a decent relationship with my BPD mom. When the work is all one-sided it's difficult to keep a healthy relationship going. I'm tired of going to therapy, especially since I think personally I'm a pretty well-rounded healthy person - so I'm trying this forum for help and I'm thinking about a support group, too.

Since having my daughter I've set major boundaries with my mother that ultimately ended the relationship all together. (It was really her that stopped the contact, but of course she's twisted it with her side of the family that my sister (who also ended contact) and I are terrible daughters. Anyway, since having little to no contact with my mother I feel a huge weight lifted and I don't miss the toxic relationship. It's been about 4 years now.

My dilemma is my six year old daughter is asking questions about her, and wants to meet her. I told her that she could, someday. I can tell she is confused about why I don't have contact with my mom and I don't know what to tell her. What is right?

Has anyone dealt with this situation? Any advice? Many thanks 

[Fie]

Hello  

I am in a situation that is a lot like yours.
My mum is BPD, my dad is enabling and has narcissist traits.

I have a daughter who's 8.

My parents never visited a lot and care even less since I started to put up boundaries. I used to ask them over and they refused a few times, also for school parties etc.

Since some time I have this idea that maybe it's for the best. Every time around a visit I get stressed. Since my parents noticed that I am not really eager to meet them anymore, they have started to drag in the father of my child (we are separated), so they can set up meetings with my daughter, without me. Mind you, they never took a really active interest in my daughter, so this is more some sort of control game. There certainly is some triangulation going on as they have told my childs' dad (we are separated) that my child is not allowed to see them (not true).

Up til recently my mum never really exhibited BPD behavior towards my child (except for the pulling / pushing). But recently some inappropriate things popped up ; and I am starting to think that it's actually better if my child does not see them too often anymore. So what my mum is telling everyone is actually becoming a self fulfilling prophecy.

What helped me form this opinion, next to the fact that my daughter is suffering ('why don't they want to see me' - 'why do they say weird stuff to me), is that she's asked me how I know that *I* am not the problem. It is indeed hard to understand why so many family members are disordered, so I understand her question.
I must say I got triggered quite a bit also, especially since I now realize that my mum has a history of putting family members against me (my sister, my aunt, my grandma and recently my ex). I do not want to loose my child also to my mum (crazy but this is apparently how her BPD works ... .)

So I am not saying that it's the one and only right option to choose, but for me I am starting to feel that I would prefer NC over the LC that my family has already installed themselves. The NC does not have to be forever, but it would help me (and my child !) to be more stable and happy.

What I am also doing is discussing everything openly, even more so since the 'how do you know that *you* are not the problem'-question. I tell my child that something is 'off' with grandma (without sounding degrading), and that it's not her fault. So when she sees or hears that grandma does weird / unappropriate stuff, she knows it's not her. And I don't think there is an age too soon for that. Honesty prevails, especially knowing that I always thought my dysfunctional FOO was normal, and that I was the problem.

Does any of this make sense to you ? I hope what I said sounds more or less coherent because I am feeling a bit tired, but I wanted to answer anyway.

xx

[cuckoo]

Thank you for your response. Sometimes I'm so tired of thinking about all this, so I haven't come back to thank you until now. Again many thanks and many blessings ... .

[Panda39]

You might want to take a look at the box to the right --> each item is a link to more information. 

Under the Lessons heading if you click on the Managing Your Relationships link there are a couple of links to more info under the Parenting when you have a BPD parent heading that might help.

Panda39