Sister with BPD

[mEveIn106]

Hello,
I have an older sister that has BPD, at least she has told me she was diagnosed years ago. I am the youngest of three siblings and my sister is the middle child, while my brother is the oldest. When she told me she had BPD, I did not think much of it bc I was not familiar with the condition. Plus she was also apparently diagnosed with bipolar, depression and generalized anxiety disorder all at the same time. She often appeared proud of her psychiatric history and enjoyed popping psychiatric medications in front of ppl, so I wondered if it was all attention seeking.

Now that I am a mental health professional myself, I can see that she has many classic BPD traits that I did not understand as we were growing up. I have always walked on eggs shells around her bc her behavior towards me and my mom (only) were always very unpredictable. She never showed her BPD traits to anyone but the two of us. She went from hot to cold in a matter of seconds w/o us knowing what caused the change. She would stop talking to me for days and the longest she went was for 3 months of silence w/o any explanation. Even after we (parents and brother) all begged her to talk to me. She has a history of cutting behavior and has attempted suicide. She is not in any form of treatment for this and has not mentioned having BPD since that one time she slipped and told me while she was intoxicated.

There are so many stories that I can tell tearfully that led me to join this site. But what hurts the most is that our mother, the only other person who has experienced and knows about my sister's condition, passed away 8 years ago and I am now feeling very alone in this difficult situation. My brother and father do not believe me; they never believed when we told them. And I am feeling so D-O-N-E with her. What I would like to know is if it's possible to cut off a sibling that has BPD whilst maintaining a relationship w/other family members. If so, how do you do it?

Her attitude, behaviors, comments have been negatively impacting me all throughout our lives and she has hurt me so so much. But the truth is, I do care for her and hope that she would get better so we can have a sisterly bond that although scarcely, we have shared in the past. Simultaneously, I have a great spouse, career, friends and I can really have a fabulous life w/o her and her abuse. As you can see, I am conflicted about what to do but I need to do something different. My priority at this point is self-preservation, something I haven't done ever. But I am feeling a bit uneasy about follow through.

Anyone with a sibling with BPD that has experience with this? Any concrete advice would be welcomed and appreciated.

Thank you for the support!

MeveIn

[Pilpel]

What I would like to know is if it's possible to cut off a sibling that has BPD whilst maintaining a relationship w/other family members. If so, how do you do it?

Yeah.  I understand this is complicated.  The N/BPD in my life is my brother's wife.  And I've struggled with this too --for years I've struggled with wanting to go NC with her, but really not wanting to cut ties with my brother or the nieces and nephews. And I was also concerned about feeling like a jerk for going NC. She's still in my life.  And in some ways, things have been a bit more tolerable.  But I've gotten to the point where I feel okay about cutting ties if it comes to that.   Everyone's situation is a little different.  With my SIL, I know she perceives me as someone who is useful to her.  I help fulfill some image she has in her head of what family celebrations are supposed to be like.  I do thinks for her, that I would never ask her to do for me.  And I let her do things her way a lot of the time, because, for the most part, I don't have rigid preferences like she does.  If I threatened to go NC, everyone close to us, including her own parents, would understand.  And she would most likely be forced to apologize and curb her behavior so as not to lose someone who has been so useful to her.

You say that your brother and father don't see her the same way you do.  It made me think about how several years ago my husband and I moved out of state for awhile.  Before we moved my other (somewhat) normal SIL didn't see what me and the rest of my family saw.  She thought me and my mom were exaggerating BPD SIL's behavior --maybe assuming it was normal butting of heads that comes from two completely different cultures marrying.  But I was aware the BPD SIL placed a lot of expectations on me and my mom that she didn't place on the other SIL.  I wondered if that would change after we moved.  And it did!  After we moved, BPD SIL started to push her crazy controlling expectations on the other SIL, and it put the normal SIL into a tailspin.

Anyhow, I was wondering if maybe your father and brother don't see it because you're the target of your sister's crazy.  Maybe you need to go NC for the rest of the family to really see it. 

[sjtwoboys]

Hi MeveIn,
I too have a sister with BPD, although she has not been formally diagnosed.  I learned that this is what she most likely has from a therapist that I sought treatment with on how to cope with my sister and how mean she is to me.  I had no idea there was a legit problem with her and that it had a name.  I am one of four siblings and my sister with BPD is the oldest.  We all grew up with extreme emotional abuse from our  mother however, I suffered the abuse from my mother and my older sister.  She took a lot out on me growing up, my other two sisters were too young - so I was the target.  Long story short - when we were young adults  (early 20's) I finally grew a pair and told her I wanted nothing to do with her, that she had been too mean and abusive to me my whole life.  She broke down and cried and apologized and begged me not to do that.  She said she would change.  So - I forgave her and believe her apology to be geniune.  All was good for about five years, then it started again... .and has been going strong for the last 6 years.  I've had it - she's gotten better at it though.  She's a manipulation master and I KNOW most people in her life would never in a million years thing she would have BPD - they would tell me that I'm crazy.  So I, like you, feel very alone.  My father is aware of her mistreatment of me and my husband but that is all.  No matter what I do - she does not want a relationship with me but she's not openly mean to me- because then she would look really nbad.  She is obsessed with what other think of her - especially her close friends and people she thinks are "important".  I guess it makes her feel better and feeds a void or something.  But again - no one sees it but me.  She could win an oscar for her performances.  The part that really sucks is that I am the only family member that she does this to - my two other sisters are too young - she completley ignore the one and our youngest she manipulates like crazy... .she has her thinking she's this wonderful person and she will go to great lengths to have this wonderful relationship with her... .well her and her husband are Dr.'s and that's the kind of thing she is obsessed with.  So while she treats me horribly and wants nothing to do with my kids or anything with me - she will go out of her way to do anything for my youngest sister and her friends.  It's so bizarre and extremely hurtful especially since we did get close at one time.  I think she manipulates her husband a lot as well and I believe him to be very confused about her behavior at times... .though I would never say a word to him.  She is extremley irritable and is always snapping at her kids and husband infront of people for absolutley no reason.  but no one ever says anything.  the other thing I"ve noticed is she definetly has a significant drinking problem that no one knows about.  I've caught her drunk before at 11am and in blackouts many times.  But she mostly drinks by herself and hides it very, very well.  I want to know... .does she really hate me?  Does she know what she's doing to me inside?  I feel as though she does but I don't understand it.  I want to know why she does this to me and what I can do about it.
Sarah

[sjtwoboys]

btw... .I totally understand what you mean about wanting to cut ties for your own health but still wanting to be close with her.  I feel the same way, which is why I haven't cut ties with her.  And I wouldn't even know how to do that - we have such a big family I would end up looking like an as* , not her.  I do though think that is part of the manipulation.  Keeping us close enough for us to think maybe we have a shot someday but then hurting us at the same time even more.  I am 100% with you on how conflicted you feel, which is why I went for help.  I truly don't know what to do.  She has her friends worshiping the ground she walks on -
 she has tricked them into thinking she is this fabulous kind loving person that would do anything for them when it's all a sham and a facade and nothing other than for selfish reasons on her part.  She has even gone so far as to not want me around her friends.  She won't invite me around anymore and I always feel like her friends are looking at me with a hint of disgust.  But... .I've never done anything and I have no idea what on earth she has ever implied to them.  All of these things have made me feel like I am crazy.  Absolutely crazy and now I know what is really going on.  She is way more volatile now than she used to be and if I would say one word to her or try to talk to her - she would fly into a rage... .as she has done in the not too distant past.  Again though... .I think that is all part of the manipulation - to scare me so I won't say anything to her again.  But something needs to change - I just can't continue with it being like this anymore.  And she has no idea that she has BPD - she's in such denial I'm sure. 

[mEveIn106]

Thank you, Pilpel & sjtwoboys for your thoughtful responses and support! It meant a lot to hear back as I am a new member to this site! Thank you x 100! 

First of all, I am inching myself towards NC with my BPD sister, as you suggested, Pilpel. I agree that my father/brother MAY take my concerns seriously if I choose to NC. If they do not take me seriously though, and continue to consider me to be a "baby, immature, petulant child, etc" I'm not too sure I want them to stick around my life anyway. My sister, as many BPD folks tend to be, is a master manipulator and really great at presenting herself in the light that she wants to be seen: a rescuer, a helper, a friend, great daughter/sister.  Everyone is completely fooled.

Even to this day, she very regularly does something that is very hurtful to me, but my brother/father excuse it as me being "overly sensitive, give her a break, she's busy." But if I act differently towards her, boy, do they get angry at me and send me condescending emails and tells me to "act right, apologize, be nicer". (Example: My sister is currently pregnant and I made her some adorable baby blankets and a nursing cover; I delivered the gifts to her a month ago but she wasn't home. I know she got them but she has not mentioned them to me or thanked me for making them. My father/brother think I am being overly critical for wanting a response. If I did not show my appreciation to my sister's act of kindness, they would not be happy with me.)

sjtwoboys-I have tried, as I am certain you have too, to understand the root of my sister's hatred/anger/jealousy towards me. What did I do? What can I do to fix it? Will she ever love me? Forgive me? But I have honestly gotten nowhere. I just go in circles, feeling hurt, guilty and crappy. She does not show her BPD side to anyone else, to my knowledge, and everyone will think I am just a whiny younger sister if I told them about my observations, experiences and my suspicions. If I decide to confront her, I'd best be packing my bags to leave her life bc I know that her response/reaction to my inquiry will not go well.

I am seeking therapy for this, as I imagine may of us are. I am hoping to find some peace in the situation (most likely NC, in my case) and live my life free of Fear, Obligation or Guilt of my sister's BPD. I believe I will soon be distancing myself from my sister and the rest of my biological family and cherish the 'chosen' family I have been blessed with.

Reading everyone's experiences on this site has been a wonderful form of support as well. Thank you! 

[Pilpel]

Even to this day, she very regularly does something that is very hurtful to me, but my brother/father excuse it as me being "overly sensitive, give her a break, she's busy." But if I act differently towards her, boy, do they get angry at me and send me condescending emails and tells me to "act right, apologize, be nicer".

It sounds like she has the rest of the family well trained. 

When you find yourself in a relationship where you're always under someone's thumb it's so hard to change that dynamic.  If it were just anyone, I could just avoid them.  But when it's family and they're intertwined with other important connections you have, it's so hard to change that. But you have to decide if it's acceptable to live that way.

While things have been a bit better with my N/BPD SIL, as the years have gone by I've regretted being as passive as I was in years past.  For years we had an issue with the way their son was constantly bullying my son, and how she and my brother were ignoring it.  At the time, my husband and I seriously discussed cutting ties with them over this issue. But instead we held our tongues and just took it upon ourselves to take turns watching to make sure their son didn't hurt our son.  A few years later, after an incident where their son kicked my son for no reason at a family gathering, we finally talk to them about the issue.  They acknowledged that what their son did that one time was a problem and he shouldn't have hurt my son, but for all the problems in years past they treated us like we were exaggerating and being overly protective and coddling. And I told them, "You acknowledge that what your son did was unacceptable that one time, yet that is how he has been for all these years, and he's been like that right in front of you." To which she responds just "Oh." 

That conversation just made me realize how stupid I was for not drawing the line sooner.  My husband and I put up with so much stress for years over that.  And they just shrugged their shoulders and treated us like we were exaggerating, like our experience and my son's experience were pretty meaningless.  I was so concerned about being looked at as the jerk, but in retrospect we had every right to tell them to manage their own kids or else say we couldn't hang out with them.  Her narcissism has manifested in weird ways with the kids, btw.  For awhile, she used to make a big deal about making us the guardians of her kids in case something were to happen to her and my brother.  I think she saw that as a manipulation tool.  As if it was a favor to us. I'm not sure if it's occurred to her at all that we've never asked her and my brother to be guardians of our kids, and that we never would.  Several times a year they've asked us to have their 4 kids over for sleep overs.  But they've never offered to have our kids over to their home.  (Which I'm glad about because I really don't want my kids at their house.) 

[Brook]

She never showed her BPD traits to anyone but the two of us.

Hi, mEveIn106. Thanks so much for sharing your story.

I've had a similar experience (sort of) with my sister. No one realized how bad things were growing up with her. My parents divorced when we were really young so my dad wasn't there. He didn't know. When my sister was a teenager, she decided to live with my dad and his wife. That didn't last more than a month and dad finally understood how it was with her. My sister then moved in with other family members, and told them only-God-knows-what, and completely turned my mom's family against my mom.

I remember seeing Mom on the telephone, in tears, as one or another of her siblings berated her for being such a horrible mother. My brother, who lived with my dad growing up, thought I was exaggerating when I complained about my sister (he was too young to see what was happening the brief time she lived with them) until he experienced it first hand as an adult. He's had nothing to do with her ever since.

If I tried to confide in anyone about the troubles I was having with my sister, they thought I was jealous. Words cannot express how disheartening that was for me.

I learned to keep my thoughts to myself. People are going to believe what they want to believe. And my sister makes a very good impression on people. She is intelligent, vibrant, witty. She draws people to her, but she can never maintain the facade. Eventually, people start seeing her true character. She's gone through countless friends, boyfriends, and jobs.

I understand how frustrating it is to have others believe you are exaggerating, or being mean or intolerant. I'm so glad you found this site. I'm new here myself, but I feel better already - knowing I'm not alone - that others understand and share my pain.

I think I'm at the beginning of the end with my sister. During the course of her life she has alienated almost all of our family members. I'm one of the few that has tried to maintain a relationship with her. I've been in therapy for years getting help to manage our relationship.

This year though, this year has been really bad. I don't think I can take much more. I love her and I'm concerned for her. I desperately wish for her happiness, but I'm coming to realize that I'm not making a positive impact in her life. I'm kind and loving and supportive to her - even when I don't feel like it. I set healthy boundaries and I stick to them, but I feel like I'm starting to lose myself.

I have such a blessed life. A wonderful husband and daughter. Close friends and family. A great job, a great church family. I want to enjoy my life. I DO enjoy my life. It's just that - I'll be so happy and going along in my life, when BOOM! My sister swoops in and sucks out all the joy. I get really depressed after an encounter with her.

I don't know. I think I'm getting to a point where I'm done. Joining this site is a last ditch attempt to... .well, I don't know what. I think maybe to convince myself that I've tried everything before I give up.

Anyway, I'm there with you. Thinking of self-preservation at this point.

I wish you luck. Please keep us posted.

Sincerely,
Brook

[mEveIn106]

Hi Brook!
Thanks so much for your post. I hadn't checked in a while so it took me this long to respond. What resonated w/me the most w/your post was this, "I desperately wish for her happiness, but I'm coming to realize that I'm not making a positive impact in her life." YES! THIS! EXACTLY!

I have felt emotionally abused by my sister since I can remember. I love her and I want her to love me, but my presence, sometimes my existence, seems to trigger anger or whatever negative emotion she has deep inside. I can honestly say I am often confused if she would miss me if I left her life or if she'd be relieved.

In the past, she has written me terribly mean emails about how crappy I am as a sister and daughter. When I got married, she wrote, "Thank god that I am no longer in need of looking after you. That's his job now, what a relief." I did not realize she was ever "looking after me," but I guess she perceived me to be a nuance or something of a chore to engage with. So maybe she IS better off w/o me? Who knows.

Today I am not in a better place with my sister, but I am seeing a great therapist. I am learning to set better boundaries and stick to them no matter what. I haven't been able to disconnect from her but I still see that as a possibility in the near future. What is harder in my situation is that my brother and father are on her side. They seem to be completely fooled by her and think I am a horrible, drama queen for exaggerating or simply making crap up. It's exhausting, disheartening and hurtful. BUT I can't control what they think or what they do. I can only control my reaction, response to them. If I need to distance them also, I am willing to do that.

So I've chosen to nurture myself, my heart, my soul from now on. I have a great spouse and great friends. I know I am a good person and deserve great things in life, including kindness, love and compassion. If I cannot get that from my sister/brother/father, that is okay. I can provide that for myself and that is a great feeling.

It's is so heartwarming and empowering to know that we are in this together. Sending love and healing your way(s)... .

-MeveIn

[Pink_Lady]

Hello,

I've just read your post and just signed up as I truly relate to what you are going through. I have a sister who has BPD traits and we have not spoken properly in nearly a year. It feels like I have gone through the grieving process and as I write this, I'm not sure if I can ever let her back in to my life.

You can always try and distance yourself from someone who is causing harm, but cutting ties will be difficult and be prepared for a long journey of inner hurt and reflection before you can finally be okay with this.  Remember it's also a matter of forgiveness, which you need to do for yourself more so than for the other person.

My sister doesn't live close to me or my family, so I have only seen her once over Christmas for a family meal in a restaurant, where she ended up causing a scene - she would not look or speak to me, made her husband do all the talking so I would make the first move. I didn't, or couldn't, as I wanted her to face up to some responsibility and apologise, but as we all know this never comes sincerely from someone with BPD. She acted like she was high, she went outside to smoke (but doesn't smoke), drank in the corner on her own, then made a scene before leaving. This was all the stress from not being able to deal with her actions... .I ended up not being able to bring myself to speak to her and kept my distance in utter amazement.  

My sister is currently in therapy, but I have no idea whether she will be diagnosed with BPD or another personality disorder. I have read up on BPD and I would say she meets a lot of the associated issues. Since we were young my sister has always had a temper and would lash out verbally, then play the victim who is never at fault. She spends money she doesn't have, has never had savings and is in debt. My sister has also been married 3 times in total, and has now been married to her current husband for about 9 years.  A few years ago they sold their house to save money and to pay off debt, but they haven't managed to get back on the property ladder or out of debt due to her spending.  I have recently found out she's had at least 3 affairs, one with her ex husband and shockingly a one night stand with my other sister's ex partner (although broken up they have kids together).

My sister has zero boundaries and almost ruined my wedding, caused lots of arguments with my bridesmaids, and although she did attempt to do things, including helping to tidy, she threw out several personal belongings of my husband's. My sister also caused a massive argument a couple of nights before my wedding and then on the day just wasn't there for me at all, even though she was my MOH.  There's so many other crazy stuff I won't go into, but let me tell you her behaviour over this period of time made me so worried, I made sure my family knew. I only started to think she had major issues when planning my wedding and the weeks that followed, I thought she would probably try and do something stupid, and then I started reading up about BPD and it all fell in to place.  

I recently found out she had been cutting herself, although I am not sure if this is something new or if this has been going on for some time. She's often depressed, can't get out of bed and has missed a lot of work over the years through sickness.

She cannot apologise and I don't think she can see what she is doing to other people. What I tried to do was set some boundaries but this just caused her to get angry and she deleted my husband and I off Facebook, telling us to have a happy life. I'm not sure if this was her attempt to cut us out of her life before we did, but then it turned into months of no contact.  

A few months ago she sent a message to my husband saying "I suppose I should apologise... .", then letting us know about all her problems, including cutting herself and that if it wasn't for her girls etc... . This wasn't a true apology at all, but just a way of her blaming me and that she can't forgive me for telling her husband that she's toxic. My husband did reply but we have had no contact with her since.

I later learned of her affairs from my other sister.  Apart from her first affair, I don't know if her husband knows about the others. My sister was highly promiscuous on nights out too, which now makes sense. My other sister doesn't have much contact, but she's the type that doesn't let things get to her, but my Mother still does, so she keeps me updated.

My sister has had a hell of a life, an abusive childhood, her first husband killed himself and her 2nd husband cheated on her. Then a few years ago one of our sisters passed away after a long illness, so I think this might have been a huge trigger. I'm not sure if my wedding played it's part, as she is the oldest sister and the only one to have gotten married (x3 and also had a vow renewal after the first affair), perhaps it was jealously or longing for something she has never had. I don't know... .perhaps it's all the above?

Though it cut like a knife when she cut me out of her life without even attempting to sort things out.  Like she would rather run miles than face up to bad choices and actions. It hurt because we have already lost a sister, but she was willing to let me go too.

I do have sympathy for her and really want her to get better, but at the same time she's caused so much hurt and pain. My husband is still upset by what she has done and it can never be like how it was. I'll never trust her to stay with us again, in fear she'll cause arguments. I'm just hoping she gets diagnosed and gets the help she needs.  

My only advice to you, is if it gets to the point that their behaviour is making you ill, run for the hills. It might be easier if you live some distance away but you have to step back and get on with your own life.  The only person that can make a change is them.  

[Littletwin]

Hi everyone- this resonates so much. It’s taken me 14 years to realise my 60 yr old twin sister has BPD - petulant child . Like all of you I have so many stories of how mean she has been to my mother and myself but then she acts the martyred angel to everyone else, especially menfolk. Just when I get to the point of saying that’s it - I will never speak to her again she turns on the charm and some family thing to remain the centre of attention. It is really hard when no-one else believes you, even my husband didn’t, till she accidentally answered the phone and thought it was me, so he got the full voice of doom treatment. What is really hard is however much you love her it is never enough, so apparently the thing to do is be really boring and never let her into your life. Failing that you just have to walk away.Best of luck.