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Author Topic: Xw wants changes this weekend, will not budge for my request  (Read 539 times)
bus boy
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« on: April 21, 2017, 10:59:50 AM »

Today Xw text, her family is having a get together this weekend, my access weekend and said s10 wants to attend, I will loose 3 hr of access on Saturday, I said I would like to pick s10 up early today to make up for the lost time, that I would like to pick s10 up at 4:00 today instead of 6:00, she gave her it not time to be made up speech, order says time lost is to be made up but Xw always has her own spin on what constitutes missed access time and so far nothing constitutes missed access time. She also reminded me s10 stayed extra time on 2 separate times this winter, in the past I would get caught up in her manipulation but today I didn't, I reminded Xw those were snow storms and the roads were not fit for travel, I told Xw it wasn't kindness on her part it was nature predicting than I told her she was the broken gear in this cog that she is the sole reason we have custody issues and ended my texting.
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Swiggle
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« Reply #1 on: April 21, 2017, 02:21:04 PM »

It can be frustrating, especially when they are being so unreasonable. My guess is that, the end of your text might have upset the situation more than it already was. I also love how "the kids want to do xyz" is always what they use. When they say this I turn it around to hear "I want the kids to do xyz".

In the future could you respond with something like... .

In order to make the switch I will need to pick him up at 4pm instead of 6pm, If that works for you let me know.

If she came back with her make up speech not being in the order. Could you respond with something like... .

The order does state that missed time is to be made up. And then restate your initial response.

This sets your boundary without letting her engage you. If she doesn't agree then you simply say No thank you to her request. 
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bus boy
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« Reply #2 on: April 21, 2017, 04:52:29 PM »

Hi swiggle, very good advice thank you but I've tried every way to compramise. It is always a no win situation, if I'm obliging she looks at me as a sucker, if I'm not obliging I'm ignorant and trying to hurt her through s10. In the 12 years I've known Xw it's always been this way, impossible to deal with. Xw is up on charges for assaulting my sister and nephew and we are the bad guys bc my sister had enough for the past 10 years of being harassed by my Xw so my sister pressed charges. So I wish I could say I would try your advice but it will not work. I've been walked on and abused for years, I'm enjoying telling Xw how much of a broken toy she is. Xw is with out a doubt the worse, cold hearted, emotionless, heartless unempathic, unreasonable, manipulating devious, lier I ever had the displeasure of meeting.
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GaGrl
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« Reply #3 on: April 21, 2017, 06:06:10 PM »

What happens if you refuse the change request and follow the court order with no exceptions?
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bus boy
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« Reply #4 on: April 21, 2017, 09:16:32 PM »

I could do that, Xw will not budge from the court order as far as cut and dried access times go but the rest of the order she finds an unclarity at all she will not abide by it at all. The courts want us to be able to work with each other outside of the order but that's impossible, if I ask for something Xw comes back with something ludicrous I counter propose and Xw says " no end of discussion" and that's it end of topic for good. I sometimes feel that the best way is to stick to the order and that's it, no switching time, no more hassle of having to deal with Xw.
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FSTL
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« Reply #5 on: April 29, 2017, 02:27:36 PM »

My situation is not quite as bad as yours, but my X is just as unreasonable.

In the end, I have gone back to court to get orders that don't require any further agreement between the parties. It has an out that we can agree variations, but I am working on the assumption we will never agree them and will just stick with the order as the template going forward. That way, you win some, you lose some.
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HopefulDad
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« Reply #6 on: May 01, 2017, 03:24:05 PM »

Keep it simple:

You text: "I'm fine with your request as long as I can pick up our son at 4pm today."

She texts: (blah blah blah... .effectively saying no to your offer)

You text: "Okay, I guess we don't have a deal."

She texts: (blah blah blah... .trying to guilt you into caving into her demands)

You text: (nothing)
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bus boy
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« Reply #7 on: May 02, 2017, 10:29:07 AM »

10-4 HopeFulDad, I will have to learn to keep it simple, short, to the point.
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HopefulDad
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« Reply #8 on: May 02, 2017, 12:34:45 PM »

10-4 HopeFulDad, I will have to learn to keep it simple, short, to the point.

It takes practice.  It took me a while, too.  Depending on how high-functioning your ex is, she'll learn (like mine) that compromise often gets you more of what you want.  Hopefully you'll get to a stage where you're both so good at it that neither of you will be sweating 3hrs here and 2hrs there.
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david
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« Reply #9 on: May 02, 2017, 07:01:02 PM »

It took my ex from 2008 until around 2013 until she realized I would stick to the court order or we would compromise. The first compromises were nasty towards me but I ignored that.
One of the first times ex wanted the boys on mothers day. I agreed provided I have our boys on that fathers day. She agreed. I picked the boys up at the agreed to time and things worked fine.

 We went to a movie that night and I turned my phone off right before the movie started. After the movie we went home and ex was in the driveway. I got out to see what was going on and she was in a rage because she had called several times and I didn't answer. She was talking to someone on her phone and she was very agitated. She was yelling about me being the crazy one. Projection. I realized quickly that there was no talking to her so I got back in my car and drove away. The boys were still in my car. I came back and she was still in the driveway so I drove to the police station. I explained the situation to the officer and he called ex. I even showed him a copy of our email agreement since I printed it out and had it in my glove box. He was behind glass but I could see several things when he called her. He rolled his eyes a few times and even put the phone away from his ears so she must have been yelling. He came out and just said make sure your ducks are in a row. I asked him to escort me back and he declined. I told him if she was still in the driveway I would be back for an escort. As I was pulling out of the parking lot I saw her car pulling in. I went home, got the boys in bed, and went to sleep myself.

The next day I got an email going off on me. I simply told her to check the email dated xyz and titled abc. She replied that she didn't understand why she agreed to that and asked me to explain ? I simply replied I had no idea why she agreed but that she did and I was following our agreement. Today I would not even reply to such an email.

I stopped trying to make sense of things she did/does and just accept them for what they are. CRAZY. I view it as a positive that it doesn't make sense to me. I will start to worry if it starts making sense.
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david
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« Reply #10 on: May 02, 2017, 07:07:57 PM »

Our court order spells out how to make changes to our custody order. All changes must be through email. Both parents must agree in their respective emails to the change. I always make sure I state that this is a one time change and not to be considered a permanent change to the order. I cover my butt all the time. Also, once an agreement is reached it can only be changed by another email exchange and agreement by both parents. There is no wiggle room.

Back in the beginning my ex would always say no to any proposal I had. She usually said ,"sorry but the boys and I already have plans." If there was no compromise or adjusting the time so neither person lost time I replied with the same thing she said. I learned after several times of giving in that she really didn't have any plans and was just playing games. Saying no eventually helped her see that I wasn't playing that game anymore.
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insideout77
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« Reply #11 on: May 04, 2017, 07:41:44 AM »

Busboy ,

Important to realize that ultimately stability is the best for the kids. So don't be afraid to say Not thank you to the trade off. She will always try to use the kids to Harras you and when you show that you will not budge she will learn. She is playing on your emotions and you have to be prepared to say no
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insideout77
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« Reply #12 on: May 04, 2017, 07:46:11 AM »

My attorney also gave me good advice in that I never agree to exchange unless she agrees to mine. Meaning when ex tells me a proposed exchange that she wants, I look at the calendar ahead to find an exchange that I need toss that into the negotiation.

When dealing with a BPD there are no favors or gestures of good will, if you do it will ONLY lead to resentment on your part bc they will never be reciprocated. The key to remember it's about barter only.
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flourdust
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« Reply #13 on: May 04, 2017, 08:02:23 AM »

The key to remember it's about barter only.

Absolutely agree with you and david about this. My ex likes to make demands or ultimatums. ("I will be taking D11 on Mother's Day. It's important to her and as her mother, I have the right." I do not give in to those, but I sometimes offer exchanges, which she usually rebuffs with bizarre BPD logic. ("I'm not trading Father's Day for Mother's Day because they have nothing to do with each other!"

I feel like I've been trying to train her to understand the concept of offering something for something. I was stunned when she actually offered me a trade this year. ("I'll take Mother's Day and you can have Father's Day." I accepted. The trade doesn't have to be even; I'm happy if I get something that I want in exchange for what she wants. Having her learn this concept is going to improve our ability to coparent about 1000%.
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FSTL
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« Reply #14 on: May 10, 2017, 08:03:32 AM »

Yep... .my ex claims I am being "controlling" if I insist on boundaries or want something in exchange for her requests of me.

Never an easy ride, but wouldn't give mine anything now unless something I need is given in return... .with exceptions eg if the kids really need it, in which case put the kids first.
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