Improving a relationship with a borderline ex

[kc sunshine]

I'm not sure if this is the place to be for improving a relationship with my dBPDex but hopefully it is! We've been broken up for almost a year now and have only been in intermittent touch, except for the last couple of months where we had increased contact. I think she is struggling with difficulties in her current relationship and has recently started AA. For me, I want to try to figure out how/if I can have a friendship with her that doesn't trigger me into unhealthy behaviors (ruminating about her, etc). I'm currently in DBT so hopefully that will help. Anyone have any other suggestions?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Grey Kitty]

Why are you afraid a friendship with her will trigger unhealthy behaviors on your part?

[kc sunshine]

Why are you afraid a friendship with her will trigger unhealthy behaviors on your part?
[/quote

Hi Grey Kitty! I'm prone to ruminating about her ... .that is the main one I'm worried about.

[kc sunshine]

Hi-- oops I put my comment under the quote so it was hard to see!

My main worry about myself is that I get stuck ruminating about her, and am reactive. I know she has ups and downs and she is finding her way and I want to be able to stay connected but not be so affected by it all. We've been broken up a year.

Why are you afraid a friendship with her will trigger unhealthy behaviors on your part?
[/quote

Hi Grey Kitty! I'm prone to ruminating about her ... .that is the main one I'm worried about.

[bunny4523]

Hi KC Sunshine,

I don't think there is a way to control that... .you could go no contact and still be preoccupied with those haunting thoughts.  I think what I would just suggest is if you find yourself starting to do it then put some distance between the two of you.  Be aware and take care of yourself first. 

I work with my ex so I have to maintain some type of relationship but I don't engage in any personal conversations. I probabley even rarely smile around him. But my situation is different, I have absolutely no interest in being anywhere near that world again.  For me, it's better left in the past where it can't hurt me anymore.

Bunny

[Grey Kitty]

So you had very low contact with her, and it has increased lately.

Has your ruminating increased along with it? Were you already ruminating more than  you wanted to before the contact increased?

[kc sunshine]

Yeah, I never have quite gotten over the ruminating stage, but it definitely spikes with interaction. We were in very LC for lots of months but then I think she started having issues in her relationship and started contacting me more-- things came to a head about a month ago when she called me and wanted to talk about getting back together but then I didn't hear from her for a couple weeks. She later apologized and said she had been drinking (and now is in AA). I understand all that and know that she is on a difficult journey-- I just wish I could be more easy with it all.

So you had very low contact with her, and it has increased lately.

Has your ruminating increased along with it? Were you already ruminating more than  you wanted to before the contact increased?

[Grey Kitty]

Yeah, I never have quite gotten over the ruminating stage, but it definitely spikes with interaction.

Sounds like you have some work to do before you can have a safe friendship with her, if she triggers you.

What have you tried to do about your ruminating, and did it seem to help?