When are you the crazy one

[Ap33]

Hi all, I'm new. The past couple years have been hell for me. I left a relationship with an addict and after that I kind of spiraled into sadness and depression.  Ive thrown myself into therapy and self help. I literally live for fixing myself because I feel so broken. I realized my FOO is really emotionally chaotic. Growing up I felt like I just existed in this emotional vacuum.  I walked on eggshells constantly. I was constantly on high alert I'd get yelled at for saying too much to another family member, or for not doing something for someone.  Now I feel like a shell of a person. The feeling of needing to be something for others constantly still remains. I'm finding it impossible to get over. It doesn't help that my ex had said I blame others for my problems. ... .among other things. I live with this idea that maybe others are right? Maybe I am the reason others feel unloved? Maybe I am too detached? I'm just so used to long, emotional tirades I feel that my inability to show emotion really is causing problems?  Is this a common theme?

[Kwamina]

Hi Ap33

The past couple years have been hell for me. I left a relationship with an addict and after that I kind of spiraled into sadness and depression.  Ive thrown myself into therapy and self help. I literally live for fixing myself because I feel so broken.

It's tough dealing with these difficult thoughts and emotions, depression really isn't an easy thing to deal with at all. I think it is very positive though that you are seeking help and are working hard on healing yourself Are you currently still seeing a therapist?

I realized my FOO is really emotionally chaotic. Growing up I felt like I just existed in this emotional vacuum.  I walked on eggshells constantly. I was constantly on high alert I'd get yelled at for saying too much to another family member, or for not doing something for someone.

Growing up like this is very unpleasant and not something children can easily cope with. Could you tell us a bit more about your FOO? Do you believe some of your family-members might have BPD and/or some other disorder?

The struggles you express sadly are indeed a common theme. Fortunately there are also steps we can take to heal ourselves. It sounds like you might have internalized the negative critical voice of some of the people you encountered in your life, would you say this is correct? To help you deal with automatic negative thoughts and talk back to the inner critic, I encourage you to take a look at this thread:
Automatic negative thoughts: Talking back to your inner critic/negative voice

Welcome to bpdfamily

The Board Parrot

[Turkish]

I can sympathize with a lot of this,  feeling detached. I'm a very calm person.  I think this triggered my ex who has traits of BPD.

If I had to look back,  being detached and retreating was better than being smacked,  yelled at,  or things thrown at me as a kid.  Or being told I was a bad kid,  though every other adult in my life almost gushed at how great I was.  This is confusing to a child, and I've grown to accept that I developed unhealthy coping mechanisms.  There was a time I used to idolize the Spock character.  In retrospect, he had his own inner conflict,  however,  similar to ours. 

Change is possible,  at any age,  and I landed here in middle age,  in much pain and shock.  Change is possible,  yet it took me looking inwards and first accepting who I was at the moment, and the judgement of others be dammed.

We talk a lot here about validating others,  but I find validating ourselves (our own feelings), can be harder.  Accepting who we are first is the first step in healing.  This is hard given the judgement of others,  but often harder given our own inner critics.  Realizing that voice is not really our own can be a revelation.  Mine was my mom's and also my peers.  What's yours?

T

[Kwamina]

To help you deal with automatic negative thoughts and talk back to the inner critic, I encourage you to take a look at this thread:
Automatic negative thoughts: Talking back to your inner critic/negative voice

I just noticed that this thread I referred you to has been entirely merged with another one, you can find it here:

POLL: Ten Forms of Twisted Thinking - Burns MD