Seeing the ex tomorrow

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I'm going to see my ex tomorrow to pick up my scarf and glasses I lent her. I'm kind of dreading it because I plan to go NC again. I still love her, but her being back in my life triggered me something fierce. Enough to inspire me to go back to therapy, as I have gone back to the caregiver role.

Should I tell her that I "need some space" and give her the 'why' of it all. Or should I just pretend her and I are fine, go LC, and just fade away?

Thanks folks.

[FantasticMsDox]

I'm going to see my ex tomorrow to pick up my scarf and glasses I lent her. I'm kind of dreading it because I plan to go NC again. I still love her, but her being back in my life triggered me something fierce. Enough to inspire me to go back to therapy, as I have gone back to the caregiver role.

Should I tell her that I "need some space" and give her the 'why' of it all. Or should I just pretend her and I are fine, go LC, and just fade away?

Thanks folks.

[roberto516]

I want to play devils advocate because I know I need people to do it with me. And I'm thinking about being in your shoes. Are the scarf and glasses that important? Or do you want to see her/have a creeping thought that it all could work out? Because I did too. I don't now your situation. But if I was in your situation there'd be a reason I'd meet up with her aside from the glasses and scarf.

[FantasticMsDox]

I appreciate it I think playing Devils Advocate is good because it can force you to face questions you may not want to deal with, let alone know the answer to.

I do really want my scarf . I was reluctant to lend these things to her in the first place (my favorite scarf and my most expensive sunglasses) I also have her scarf as well.

The dread I feel is more like an embarrassment. I've been beating myself up for the last two weeks for going back on my boundaries and letting myself become attached again.

I was NC w/ for 1.5 years (after many a time of her periodally reaching out and me telling her to eff off). But this past January I decided it try and ease her back into my life as a friend. She told me she was going to therapy and doing all these great things so I thought: "why not?". I was doing so well with my boundaries and maintaining. But last month I slipped, got intimate (no sex though, didn't want to take it there) and my feelings came back.

Then I felt the recycling and all that stuff coming back. She had broke up with one guy and started seeing another one, and saw myself going to that caregiver space. That back-up space. That "I know you still love me, and you'll give me the world, so now I can go mess around with whoever while getting love/affection/stability/safety from you" space.

I think she senses that I know what's up and that adds to the dread. I just want my scarf and sunglasses back bc I know she'll keep em . And I don't want to go NC again w/o getting my stuff back. This sucks.

[roberto516]

I get the embarassment. Far too well. I knew it wouldn't be different. And here we both are. I felt so foolish telling people that she dumped me again. I felt angry at her for using me bUT more angry at myself for allowing it amd fooling myself.  But it makes sense to me. When she asked to be her friend this time I flat out told her "I cant be your friend offering you support because one day you'll tell me to leave you alone because you found someone." All she said was "okay".

Well if you do meet up make sure you keep us involved and share and vent. Personally, if I ever see her again or receive communication I'll probably have a panic attack. I would process what you truly, gut feeling want to say or don't say. Don't ignore the gut feeling anymore. Let it guide you.

[FantasticMsDox]

So we were supposed to meet up on Sunday and she forgot. So made plans to exchange stuff today -- like @8pm.

The last two weeks have been me just ruminating, sorting out my feelings and the like.  I admitted to myself that I do want to be wth her and I still have feelings and for that I must end the friendship.

So I'm on my way to class and I'm texting her to remind her for tonight and she mentions how the dude she's seeing bought her some kind of something and I got the stinging feeling I jealously and made a comment about the fact that he still live with his ex gf and if he got one fior his ex as well as her.  Not gonna lie, I was feeling petty.

She did not appreciate this . So the conversation basically snowballed into my explaining how I felt and how I don't want to be her friends bc I still have feelings and I do not want to be her safety net.

To which she replied that she only sees me as a good friend and has never saw me as a safety net, blah blah blah, whatever. Here's some of the txt exchange:

Me: "Well I've gotten mixed signals. I feel that you knowing how much I love you is safety net. I'm not okay with that."

X: "Nope. No safety net- just me seeing you as a really good friend I can be my most raw and authentic self with"

I don't know if she only sees me this way now that she's in a relationship, but I guess it doesn't matter now, does it?

We agreed that she'll leave my stuff with a mutual friend. I'm feeling a bit sad, angry, and relived.

Sad because I'm losing someone with who I love and care deeply for, but also knowing that by continuing to have this person in my life, I'm always going to get hurt.

Angry because I feel that she sees me as a friend when it's convenient. Angry because I'll never understand how she can give all these pieces of sh*t a chance at her love, but is totally okay with taking my love and affection.

Relieved because I know that her relationship will blow up in her face. Relieved because I won't have to be there to listen to everything I already foresee. Relieved because I know I won't be triggered again, I won't have to deal with feelings of "what if", "will she? Wont't she?" And most importantly I don't have to feel the anxiety, the uncertainty, the feeling of being a backup for a quick ego boost when things go wrong.

I already miss her, but I don't miss her. I miss how she made me feel. I miss feeling like "the one" because like many of you--that idealization is one hell of a drug, and I have yet to find someone who I feel for even remotely on that level.

I blocked her on everything and today would be my official journey starting back at square one.

I'm looking to get back into therapy soon (damn health insurance though) and I would like to continue posting here about my journey. But yeah... .this is where I am now. And funny thing... .I knew I would wind up back here.

That's the thing about being a realist/pessimist... .down the line you always wind up being right. Ain't that a bi*ch.  

[roberto516]

Sorry fantastic. I don't know about you, but I found relief after I came to the realization that she was using me for her needs. After that 1st recycle I realized what was happening. It made this much easier to detach for my own sanity. It's been 7 days. And only a couple instances of missing. But that stuff is really overpowered by the logic and realization of everything I know to be true. Meaning that she would never be with me. The simple fact that she can't talk about emotions shows that to me. That's relationship 101.

But I feel for ya. I got that momentary self-anger and regret for falling for it again.

[FantasticMsDox]

Sorry fantastic. I don't know about you, but I found relief after I came to the realization that she was using me for her needs. After that 1st recycle I realized what was happening. It made this much easier to detach for my own sanity. It's been 7 days. And only a couple instances of missing. But that stuff is really overpowered by the logic and realization of everything I know to be true. Meaning that she would never be with me. The simple fact that she can't talk about emotions shows that to me. That's relationship 101.

But I feel for ya. I got that momentary self-anger and regret for falling for it again.

Thanks, Roberto.

The first time I went NC w/ my x, about two years ago, I felt that relief. However, during this recent three month stint, I think that the "using me for her needs" satisfied my own care-taking nature and that "need to be needed" feeling. When she didn't reciprocate with actions, or rather what I wanted, that made me angry and regretful.

 I feel like I allowed myself to chase the idealization and that makes me mad. Me seemingly not being able to let that yearning for that aspect of the relationship go. And of course her telling me "I only see you as a good friend" amplifies those feelings-- as I got caught up in her words thinking there was another chance.

Ugh such a mess  

[roberto516]

That's exactly what I went through too. Those feelings of self anger. In this case I was actually being very patient waiting to see if she'd start to connect again. But there's no logic to it. I feel for ya though.

I think all relationships are built on reciprication. And it's okay to "want" things from a partner in my opinion. BUT in these relationships it's us giving it all. And that can't help build resentment because they can't allow us to talk about it with them. A real catch 22 we got caught up in

[FantasticMsDox]

Sorry fantastic. I don't know about you, but I found relief after I came to the realization that she was using me for her needs. After that 1st recycle I realized what was happening. It made this much easier to detach for my own sanity. It's been 7 days. And only a couple instances of missing. But that stuff is really overpowered by the logic and realization of everything I know to be true. Meaning that she would never be with me. The simple fact that she can't talk about emotions shows that to me. That's relationship 101.

But I feel for ya. I got that momentary self-anger and regret for falling for it again.

Thanks, Roberto.

The first time I went NC w/ my x, about two years ago, I felt that relief. However, during this recent three month stint, I think that the "using me for her needs" satisfied my own care-taking nature and that "need to be needed" feeling. When she didn't reciprocate with actions, or rather what I wanted, that made me angry and regretful.

 I feel like I allowed myself to chase the idealization and that makes me mad. Me seemingly not being able to let that yearning for that aspect of the relationship go. And of course her telling me "I only see you as a good friend" amplifies those feelings-- as I got caught up in her words thinking there was another chance.

Ugh such a mess