Well seriously...

[Lalathegreat]

I have often wondered if pwBPD reads these posts as a script for what to say and how to behave. How the heck else can you explain the similarities? The one exception was with driving - I had not seen him lose it in the car. Until last night.

We were turning right into a parking lot and another gal was turning left. And yeah - she was totally in the wrong. She'd been waiting awhile, lost patience and stuck her nose in front of pwBPD's car to turn in front of him. It was an ass move. No doubt. Having said that,  pwBPD hit the gas - placing himself where we were absolutely about to get hit. I said "oh be careful" or something along those lines. She swerved around him and made her turn and he leaned on the horn and unleashed an impressive stream of obscenities. He tailed her through the parking lot to make his point. I was afraid he might get out and start something, thankfully he didn't. But once we were parked he turned and proceeded to dismantle ME for having said anything. SHE was in the wrong, SHE should have hit him so that he could make her pay to fix his car, why am I judging him when she was the one who was wrong... .

So one more check mark for him in the "oh I read about this on my board... ." column.

[formflier]

proceeded to dismantle ME for having said anything

My hope is that you listened about 10 seconds to understand what was going on... .opened the car door and walked away.

Can you tell me about he said she said once he "started dismantling".

He obviously had a stressful experience and for whatever reason "pointed" the "de-stressing mechanism" at you. 

The only communication (IMO) to send his way is "I'm not available to help you with that."  (best communicated by your actions)

Just as important to NOT try to convince him that he is "wrong".

Respect his choices... .he gets to respect yours.

FF

[Lalathegreat]

He said: "I don't understand. I was in the right. Why would you make such a judgemental comment?"

The rant probably lasted 30 seconds at which point he told me to go into the restaurant with his son and that he would come when he was ready. He followed about a minute later.

So no, *I* didn't walk away, but the situation was rather brief as these things go with him.

[formflier]

He said: "I don't understand. I was in the right. Why would you make such a judgemental comment?
 

Did you say anything in return? 

I'm glad I asked... .I had a wrong impression of the interaction.

my recommended response would have been (said neutral with a bit of firmness... .matter of fact)...   "Because I value my physical and emotional safety.  It would mean a lot to me if you would value that as well."

Then... .offer to discuss it later.  No debate... .it's time to eat.

I'm going to offer the following analysis:  What he did was a bit of "pushback" on your position to speak up.  He didn't "respect" your right to do so.  My proposed comments were not so much targeted to a "BPDish" person as they were targeted to succintly push back against someone that is "testing" to see if you will crumble in your ability to speak up for yourself.

Your "oh be careful" line was "fine".  It likely pissed him off because he believed he was being careful.  Much better for you to be directive about the physical actions you want him to take.  "Please slow down"

Also... I hope to "train" you to look for the good that people do.

His offer to remain where he was and calm... then come in when ready... .was actually a healthy choice.  He self soothed.  That is a good thing.

FF

[Lalathegreat]

i agree wholeheartedly  FF and I have seen him do that several times - invite me to leave when he is aware that he is becoming too agitated. Or even that night at the beach when he tore his shirt and he started to physically enter my space. He DID back away, lower his voice momentarily, and make an effort to change course. Ultimately the verbal assault continued, but I did SEE the effort being made initially to try and make a different choice.

I think he does try. I know he does. It's just so hard for him. And that's the part that makes me feel bad (and quite frankly, hopeless about his ability to really change) why is it so hard for him to not get so angry? But that would be the million dollar answer. If we had that we could all go home and call it a night.

The rest of the evening was ok. None of his behavior was overtly hurtful - just a lot of backhanded comments (for example I made a joke about cutting my 17 year old son's mid back length hair and he asked "why do you hate his hair? Why is it so hard for you to respect his right to self expression?" What I had said was a JOKE, anyone who knows me knows that my son has long hair BECAUSE I respect his right to self expression.) and the usual barrage of "what am I doing wrong?" anytime there is a moment of silence to fill.

Any insight on that one?  Am not allowed silence or peace EVER. If I'm not talking with him he assumes that he needs to be giving me something that I'm not asking for, that I'm bored, that I'm "disappointed" in him. It is absolutely the most challenging thing. Because while other events have been overtly more abusive, this behavior means that I can never retreat into my own thoughts for a moment of peace EVER.

Thanks for your thoughts, it's very helpful to me.