Overwhelmed and Hurt. And worried.

[Cheetah1]

I am feeling really hurt today.  I talked to my BPD husband last night about the last incident of verbal abuse.  It felt better after talking at the time but I feel horrible again. 

I'm afraid of the raging anger.  I'm worried about the girls.  I love him. 

I agreed that I can improve the way I bring up concerns, using I statements instead of you statements.  Telling him I need time if I'm angry or flooded.  Yet it feels like after agreeing about this that I am being blamed for causing his abusive behavior.

I know he regrets it, he broke down to tears talking about how much my comments hurt him.  (Saying he was irresponsible)  I posted the event already a few days ago.  But now after talking to him about it... .I just feel hurt and afraid.  I want things to be better but I'm terrified they won't be. 

I feel like I'm generally pretty stable and calm, that don't engage him, but its tearing me apart.  There never seems to be enough time for self care.  I worry about my two toddlers and what they observe. 

I feel utterly overwhelmed.  I wish there was a real in person support group where I could talk and just hang out with others going through this.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[OneBlueButterfly]

Hi, Cheetah1!

I just found this site and have been starting to read through the posts. I just wanted to say I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. I realize how stressful things can get and how fast something that shouldn't be an issue can turn into an argument and flood of hurtful comments from your partner.

My boyfriend of several years has BPD along with other mood issues. I was very torn about getting back together but after lots of talking and him reasuring me that he realized how he hurt me before and would make our relationship a priority I agreed to try again. Things had been going really well up to last night when
he got mad at me for offering advice (on a topic he had been asking for help on). From that one conversation he basically told me I shouldn't have said anything and has been acting mean/cold since even though he half apologized.
(I plan to make another post with the full story so that's all I'll put here.)

Hope you're doing ok and your day was better today.   

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Cheetah,

I'm sorry you are going through this. The verbal abuse can be so difficult. It really messes with you and even though our pwBPD can move on quickly (because their emotion is over), the hurt and pain they cause us has devastating effects that can last a long time.

What specifically are you afraid of? Has he every become physical or do you fear it may become physical?

One thing my therapist taught me was that my H is going to yell. That's what he does. When he does that it's important to set up boundaries for myself. That means that I'm going to leave the room or the house or even our property if he begins to yell. I do not have to put up with his behavior. He can continue to yell all he wants, but that doesn't mean I have to sit there and listen to it. Although you H has apologized for his behavior, that does not mean that life has to go back to the way it was. It's ok for you to hurt until you can heal.

If you are able to address it again, perhaps this is a time to begin having conversations about him getting help. If you can share the way his words hurt you and the children then maybe he would be willing to get into therapy.

[Cheetah1]

Thanks both of you for the responses.  My fear is that I will never be happy, that things will never improve.  I'm afraid of losing myself. 

My husband is going to a councilor, hes on about week 3.  Nothing yet that I can notice in terms of change.  He admits he has a problem, so i don't struggle with that, but because he admits he has it doesn't mean he can stop.  I know he wants to get better.

He moves on so quickly and i still feel scared inside from the way he spoke to me.  He has a hard time understanding why i "hold on to things' and things i need help letting go.  I do want to go to therapy myself, just having an impartial listener can be helpful.

To the other poster, i will look for your story as well.  It's so hard.  I left my husband, and came back to so many promises that just didn't remain more than a few months.  I've learned a lot, and at least I'm more aware of myself now, but it's really hard.