Her sad reply

[g2outfitter]

Last week before I decided I had to go NC I sent a text ro my exBPD. I texted that I would love to crawl in her head to spend one day in there just to see what in the hell was going on. I told her that I had spent just about every single day of the past three years with her and still felt like I had absolutely no clue what she was thinking.

She replied... ."Lol, if you did spend one day in my head you would come out running as fast as you could and screaming at the top of your lungs."

I despise this horrible disorder and the underlying reasons for it's cause!

Much love to all of you directly or indirectly affected by it.

[Replacement99]

This makes you realise that there lives will alway be chaos and pain.  We got a taste of that but luckily managed to escape it before real damage was done.

[CorsaG19]

I know that the main advice on here is NC and stay away from pwBPD. But i cant help feeling extremely sad for them.

This is their life. They are constantly trying to find happiness and feel somthing. Anything. Everyone deserves a chance of happiness right?

It just makes me so sad and angry. Because my xwBPD went to the doctors and was diagnosed and started taking the tablets. She had 2 appointments cancelled because the doctor was off sick. Two missed opportunities for us to get further help. But now its too late. The support just isnt their for them. How long would she have to of waited for counselling? The doctor didnt give her any leaflets etc. Just diagnosed her and sent her on her way with tablets. She was doomed to fail from the start

Just wish i had supported her better. Wish she had been stronger and pushed for more help

[roberto516]

I know that the main advice on here is NC and stay away from pwBPD. But i cant help feeling extremely sad for them.

This is their life. They are constantly trying to find happiness and feel somthing. Anything. Everyone deserves a chance of happiness right?

Just wish i had supported her better. Wish she had been stronger and pushed for more help

I feel sad for mine. Right now she is back to being obsessed with yoga and that will feed her for a while like after the first discard. Then she's gonna feel the void again. It stinks that a human being struggles with that.

And the fear of abandonment which self fulfills a prophecy that they are abandoned. I wish I could have done more. But we cant.

Google the keys to a successful relationship. Always, communication is on that list. I don't know about you, but my ex couldnt. She'd get angry at me and want to go on a break so that after a few days it was all forgotten. We even went to couples counseling. I think the therapist started to see it because she cancelled our appointment saying "it's too much work."

I hear you my friend. But after being discarded a 2nd time after I tried to change my behaviors and utilize much more empathy she still left me. There's nothing we can do.

Those who stay with them are complete doormats for longer than we were able to be. It's the only way it works.

And my ex will be 36 in august. I feel for her because even though she is trying to work on herself she is avoiding the aspect of herself which will rear up in the next relationship. She won't get better. With luck she will find a really rich guy who will jist entertain her or she will find someone who is a real doormat. I don't see her ever accepting boundaries or loving someone else.

[In a bad way]

I know that the main advice on here is NC and stay away from pwBPD. But i cant help feeling extremely sad for them.

This is their life. They are constantly trying to find happiness and feel somthing. Anything. Everyone deserves a chance of happiness right?

It just makes me so sad and angry. Because my xwBPD went to the doctors and was diagnosed and started taking the tablets. She had 2 appointments cancelled because the doctor was off sick. Two missed opportunities for us to get further help. But now its too late. The support just isnt their for them. How long would she have to of waited for counselling? The doctor didnt give her any leaflets etc. Just diagnosed her and sent her on her way with tablets. She was doomed to fail from the start

Just wish i had supported her better. Wish she had been stronger and pushed for more help

I'm starting to not feel sad for mine, she had all my love and kindness and we could have had a great future but SHE ruined it.
I tried to get her to the doctors she kept cancelling the appointments, her sister got her there once but she only took one tablet.
It's all well and good blaming their (her ) upbringing but she is the one who snaps for no reason.
My life wasn't great but I didn't take the past out on her, I embraced the fact that fate had finally dealt me a good hand.
I'm in a bad state now BUT I don't take it out on other people, I don't treat strangers or friends the way she treated me, OK she didn't treat me bad 24/7 but it was too often and wasn't justified.
Yes she is ill so I can see the feeling sorry for her, she can't help it.
I'm depressed and nervous and a whole host of other things because of her, I think about dying every day. I still treat people with respect.
I still think there is 2 people inside her head and neither knows what the other has said or done and I feel sorry for that but she is self destructive and ruins other people in the process, not just me people before me. The people she said were bad to her like no doubt she is telling people about me.

Serial killers are ill but something inside them knows what they are doing, we don't say we feel sorry for them.
Maybe I'm just having a worse than normal day and I have mixed feelings, I don't know.
If I ever meet anyone else will I take what she has done to me out on them?
Will I take or did I take frustrations from work/ past relationships childhood etc out on the new person?
No I won't and no I didn't take things out on her.
I became her whipping boy, someone to treat like s*** because she had problems with her kids and other people, I tried to help and got even more abuse.
The next person will get the same because that's how she is.
I still love her and miss her so much I hurt like I didn't think possible, but I know when I think about how she was, what she became that I should be glad she's gone but I'm not.
Sorry I'm ranting, I'll leave it at that.

[CorsaG19]

Inabadway... .i get you. I understand. I think i was just in a low point earlier when i wrote that. Im trying to stick to NC but yesterday she rang me off a private number to ask me i had her £1 bottle of Almond milk... .like shes looking for a reason to see me. Today nothing. And i know its because she will be out meeting up with the replacement

Jeez its hard work. 2 days since she moved all her stuff out.

Your right though.  If she isnt willing to take her tablets like the doctor told her or push the docs for closer appointments then its a lost cause. I hope she gets the help she needs but if not i hope her replacements get sick of it and run before its too late.

[In a bad way]

Inabadway... .i get you. I understand. I think i was just in a low point earlier when i wrote that. Im trying to stick to NC but yesterday she rang me off a private number to ask me i had her £1 bottle of Almond milk... .like shes looking for a reason to see me. Today nothing. And i know its because she will be out meeting up with the replacement

Jeez its hard work. 2 days since she moved all her stuff out.

Your right though.  If she isnt willing to take her tablets like the doctor told her or push the docs for closer appointments then its a lost cause. I hope she gets the help she needs but if not i hope her replacements get sick of it and run before its too late.

I wasn't having a go at you, far from it I think I just went into a rant and lost track.
I've been lost this last couple of days (more than usual), I went out tonight and there was a band on in the pub, lots of smiley happy dancing people with their wives and girlfriends, it just made me feel like crap, I am considering turning into a recluse.
I give up on this world.

[Skip]

g2outfitter, you're silent in your own thread 

What are you getting from these comments?

[g2outfitter]

g2outfitter, you're silent in your own thread 

What are you getting from these comments?

I'm getting that everyone who is adversely affected by this horrible disorder is as frustrated as I am.

I didn't really start this thread to get anything out of it myself... .I just wanted to pass along the thoughts of my exBPD to others on here so that they could possibly understand what their own ex's thought processes may be.  That those of us who suffer from the consequences of a break up should not take things personally.  That for the most part, pwBPD truly wish they could control most of their behaviors but just are unable to do so without intense therapy.  My exBPD told me many times... ."it's just the way my mind works, I can't help it". 

I've learned that my enemy in all of this is the disorder itself, not my ex as an individual.  I understand that we are all to some degree responsible for our actions but there are internal struggles that are very unique to us all.  I believe judgment of others should be tempered unless you have faced their struggles. The thing that kept me in a rut in which I could not move on with my recovery was allowing my anger to consume me.  Understanding that my ex could not control most of what she did allowed me to let go of the anger directed at her.  That has been a big factor in my ongoing recovery.

[AustenJ]

On my bad days, I always have to put things into perspective. My diagnosed exBPDgf is only 27, but she has had DOZENS of broken relationships before me, and she will have DOZENS of broken relationships after me. She will never get married happily. She will never have a fullfilling, loving relationship with anyone... .family, friends, or romantic partners. She will never have children that she will bond with like normal mothers. There will always, always be chaos and and toxicity. ALWAYS.

You, we, were never "the one." No on will ever be "the one" in their lives. Even with intensive therapy, there is absolutely no guarantee it will fix anything. And the biggest obstacle, in our relationship, she recognized the fact that she needed therapy... .but refused to get it. Our relationship was not important enough for her.

It's sad. It's tragic in so many ways. But we did not cause it, and we certainly cannot fix it. The best strategy is to forgive, forget, move on, work on yourself, and find real love and caring in a relationship. Because we are really good people, and we deserve only the best in life!

People with BPD are not the best for us or for anyone. Ever.

[Mutt]

Hi g2outfitter,

I didn't see anybody else post this, maybe I missed something, I just wanted to say that you have to look at both sides of the issues, I can understand feeling sympathy and empathy but a mentally ill person still has a responsibility to self manage their mental illness, from what I gather in your OP she's giving you a peek at what it's like for her. That being said, was she motivated to get help for herself? Mental illness is not an excuse.

[g2outfitter]

Hi g2outfitter,

I didn't see anybody else post this, maybe I missed something, I just wanted to say that you have to look at both sides of the issues, I can understand feeling sympathy and empathy but a mentally ill person still has a responsibility to self manage their mental illness, from what I gather in your OP she's giving you a peek at what it's like for her. That being said, was she motivated to get help for herself? Mental illness is not an excuse.

No Mutt, she was not motivated to get help.  She had seen a counselor before but suggested that she didn't like her (which is common in people with BPD) so she doesn't go to her anymore.  She does see a doctor pretty regularly but that is to keep her prescriptions of Prozac and Ambien filled.  You are right and as my T mentioned... .she is a grown woman and she is responsible for her actions.  You would think that if what she says is true (about what goes on in her head) she would seek as much help as possible but that is not the case. 

I asked her one time if she wanted to constantly live a life with short term relationships and her response was "Of course not"... .but she either didn't see the factors she played in that or didn't want to address it.  Honestly, looking at her past I truly believe that she would always just rush into a relationship because she just could not stand being alone.  It didn't matter who she was with as long as there was someone laying in her bed next to her.  Over time she came to the conclusion that her current partner just wasn't what she wanted so she would end things.  However, instead of then remaining single to date and actually find someone she truly wanted or was physically attracted to, the fear of being alone would overcome her and she would just take whoever would accept the role of boyfriend.  She is runway model attractive so finding a suitor is never a problem.

I had mentioned to her that she exhibited Borderline traits and she told me "Oh God, don't tell me I'm Borderline, anything but that".  She believes that she is bi-polar but won't accept the possibility of having BPD.  She is a nurse and has worked in several psych units and she is fully aware of the stigmatism's associated with BPD in the medical community.  She knows how many doctors will avoid these patients whenever possible.

She is very high functioning which probably keeps her from seeking help.  She does not rage but can be very cold hearted when she turns you black (which usually occurs during the break up), she does not self harm nor has she ever mentioned suicide.  Her BPD is more prevalent in her fears of abandonment and being alone, jealousy, reckless driving and spending, promiscuous, mood swings with severe depression and bouts of anxiety.  This is what effects her relationships more than anything.

[Mutt]

Hi g2outfitter,

It's encouraged by family and friends sometimes to get back on the horse after a break-up and to "move on", this is just my personal opinion but we seem to think that happiness means that we have to pair off with someone. It's not abnormal for people to jump from one relationship to the next, a pwBPD will subconsciouly try to avoid abandonment depression, and maybe family and friends may have something to do with as well.

You're seeing something that she's not seeing herself or that she's not ready to see, I don't blame her if she doesn't want to come out and say that she's BPD, everyone here knows how stigimatized it is, if I had BPD I don't know what I would do. Plus she has first hand experience with it working in the mental health field. I just wanted to get back to self awareness, different people have different levels of self awareness, I know some people that just have the blinders on and keep moving forward without stopping, I've had the same thoughts as you and members with their behaviors and why don't they do such and such. You can turn that around the other way too, change is difficult, it's not easy for non's either, it takes hard work, support and it's not always progressive, you might stumble back into some old habits.

I don't think that it's because of you, I think that she has her reasons why she's not ready to do the work.

[AustenJ]

I agree, Mutt, a mental illness is not an excuse. And they have to be ready to undergo treatment. No one can get them into treatment but themselves. My diagnosed xBPDgf checked herself in to treatment several years ago, before I was in her life. She felt she was really out of control with drinking, reckless sex, cutting, purging, and she had surrounded herself with some really shady people. Unfortunately, she did not complete therapy and bailed after 6 months. She was getting medicated for her impulsivity and was doing DBT with a certified counselor. She said she stopped because she did not like the effect the drugs had on her, plus the counselor was getting too close to her core trauma issues.

Myself, friends, exes, and her family have all begged her to get back into therapy, but all to no avail. In fact, that was one of the Boundaries I established; that she had to get into therapy, which I would totally support her throughout, in order for us to be in a successful relationship. She told me 100 times that she would, but never did.

Does she still cut, vape, purge, have reckless impulsive sex? Absolutely. Will her relationship with my replacement crash and burn also? Absolutely.

It is tragic, but she is consciously making the choice of not getting treatment, especially after getting diagnosed. But we have choices too. Choose to focus on your own health and happiness.

She is drowning in her disorder, and as much as I want to swim out and save her, I now know that she will only cling to me for dear life and pull us both down to a muddy death.

[Icefog]

A lot of this thread resonates with me. My exBPD partner has also had many failed relationships, can't attach to anyone including her young son, put another child up for adoption many years ago and cuts partners, friends and family out of her life with little or no empathy and in a very painful way. I attempted to bring this to her attention and her response was "I like who I am". That really floored me. I have no empathy for her at this point in my healing. I am angry and sad most days and ruminate frequently although I am getting better. It is a slow and painful process. I am continually amazed that she could cut me out of her life after a three year relationship at the blink of her eye. While I understand cognitively how she can do this I also believe it is a calculated decision and a choice she makes. When I look back I now am able to see that as soon as I started developing boundaries, she started distancing. When I confronted her on her rude and abusive behavior towards others, her drinking and going to the bar, her control issues, her lack of accepting equality in the relationship that's when things went south. When stopped chasing and started developing boundaries she equated that to abandonment in her distorted way and started seeking out other dysfunctional people to befriend and I'm certain started grooming a replacement. She also clearly does not believe anything is wrong with her behavior and portrays herself as a victim. This is a 43 year old woman who is unlikely to ever truly develop insight into her behavior or have a healthy relationship. I know all of this and yet the pain and longing continues... .I am continually astounded that I am having such a difficult time detaching. We are 4 months no contact and some days I struggle with depressive traits immensely and long for her return knowing it will not and cannot happen. I have many positive people in my life and am considered a "great guy" by others. I am successful and have a lot to offer and still this was not enough for her. Her replacements prior to me had very little going for them... .unemployed, substance abusers, no motivation in life etc. I'm pretty sure its not about who you are or what you are... .but rather what you can do for her at the time. After that time you are discarded like the rest.   

[AustenJ]

My diagnosed xBPDgf just turned 27 and has already had dozens of failed relationships. She's been with over 80 guys since high school. She knows she "uses" men.

I can not even wrap my head around what her life will be like at 43. I'm guessing it will not be entirely different than it is now, other than she probably will lose some of her looks; she may have a failed marriage or two; and she may have some children she has left or is alienated from. I would be surprised if she ever gets married without trapping someone in a pregnancy. She is physically a beautiful 27 year-old, but has had no serious proposals of marriage... .largely because her relationship shelf life is 5 to 6 months (it's actually shorter than that because she cheats so much, but she hides it well for about 5 months)

She is in her younger brother's wedding this weekend with my replacement, which I'm sure will trigger her since she is the oldest sibling in the family and her 2 younger brothers are now married. So the replacement had better be aware that he will have a target painted on his back. There will be immense pressure for him to propose, even though he is approaching the end of her shelf life (they will have been together 4 months)... .but I doubt she will be able to don her mask that long.