Now what? My BPD Mom suddenly won't speak to me

[Finallyawake]

I was about to go to sleep around 2am last night. I stayed up late because my mother was sleeping. I was able to have some much needed time to myself.

Just before I went to bed, Mom woke up and said she's all set to spend time with me so we can look at her papers (she has a stack of newspaper clippings on her bed for months that she says I have to help her read (she has a learning disability and doesn't understand what she reads). I said ok because I figured it would get her off of my back. She's always mad that I don't help her, but every time I want to, it's never a good time for her. She ignores that fact though.

We did this for about an hour and all of a sudden she got FURIOUS at me! The issues that came up were hear fears that my job isn't secure (management is talking about layoffs next year, but no one knows who is affected). She's also worried because her teeth are bad and she worries about her appearance and her ability to chew. Of course, she is also worrying about how she is going to pay the dental bills.

Suddenly, Mom starts blaming me for everything! Some of her wild and absurd claims -
1. "You haven't changed." She claims I am acting angry towards her. I am not. I know all about JADE and have pretty much perfected my response.
2. "You are angry all the time and I can't take it anymore." Nope. She's projecting her own feelings on to me.
3. "You left the toilet seat lid up (last week) and made me drop my makeup in there. Instead of being comforting, you were mad at me for that. You left the lid up so you could start a fight with me." Again, totally not true. I did not leave the lid up and in fact had not been in that bathroom that morning. I did say that when she's holding things above the toilet, she should put the lid down first (that advice was misconstrued as anger). However, I was the one who fished out her make up (disgusting, I know). After, she insisted I bring out the trash and I ended up being late for work. I should have been mad, but I was not. Accidents happen.
4. "Over the past few months you have not stayed out of work for me. You stayed out for yourself." Not true. I was out 1 day for me. I was out nearly 10 days in the past few months for her. I have to keep a FMLA caregiver certificate on file with my employer because she generally makes me stay out at least two random days a month or more for her.
5. "I only got sick because you would forced me to go in to the doctor's office." She actually blames me because she caught something the day she went to the doctor's office. She conveniently forgets that she threatened not to take me to work that day and she is the one who called for the doctor's appointment. I never forced her. She denies this, of course.
6. "You never remind me to exercise (for her health) and never remind me to do my teeth. You only remind me when I cannot do them." She is really saying I do remind her, but she chooses to ignore my reminders because she has excuses to procrastinate.
7. "As of now, you are barred from using the upstairs bathroom." Seriously. I own the home.
8. "As of now, you are barred from speaking to me."

With that, I walked out of the kitchen and went to sleep. I did first print out a letter asking her to sign that she really means I am barred from the upstairs bathroom and from talking to her. I signed the letter "sincerely" instead of "love". She actually got angrier and said the letter proves I don't love her because I wrote sincerely. Yes, I wrote sincerely on a letter asking her to confirm I am not allowed to use one of my own bathrooms or speak to her!

She is really losing it and it is all fueled by her needing to blame me for all the things she is worried about.

I have no idea what to do next. This is the first time she has gone hours with not speaking to me. Right now, my plan is to let her be this way and not to show that I am upset, angry, or hurt at all. I expect she is going to cave any minute and start talking, but this is really making me uncomfortable.

[Harri]

Hi finallyawake. 

I have no idea what to do next. This is the first time she has gone hours with not speaking to me. Right now, my plan is to let her be this way and not to show that I am upset, angry, or hurt at all. I expect she is going to cave any minute and start talking, but this is really making me uncomfortable. have no idea what to do next. This is the first time she has gone hours with not speaking to me. Right now, my plan is to let her be this way and not to show that I am upset, angry, or hurt at all. I expect she is going to cave any minute and start talking, but this is really making me uncomfortable.

I think you are doing exactly the right thing.  Do not cave.  Let her have her silent temper tantrum.  I know that is difficult and it probably is causing all sorts of anxiety and perhaps fear and that is okay, and to be expected.  It is hard and scary to change a lifetime of behaviors. 

As you are seeing, any time you change the way you interact with her, she will act out.  She may even increase her crazy making behaviors.  As long as you are not in physical danger, stand firm.  She has no right to bar you from doing anything in the home you own, or the car you own or anything else.  I remember how difficult it was when I first started changing my behaviors with my family.  One thing that helped me was to allow myself to get angry and then I used that anger to strengthen me.  My mother used to do the silent treatment all the time, but the last time she did it, I let her do her thing.  One day she started talking and I told her that I was her daughter and she had no business treating me that way or threatening me and I gave it right back to her.  I am not sure if that will work for you and like I said, if you are at risk physically, do not do it.  But think about how you can take your anxiety or fear or anger and use it to help strengthen you.

So again I say stand firm and do not cave.  You do not need to respond to her or do any of what I said above.  Just don't cave.  No apologies.  Do not take blame or responsibility for her feelings.  Do not try to convince her that you love her.  Stand firm.  Come here and post if you are feeling anxious or need to talk.  Sometimes just writing things out helps.

Regardless of what happens, I think you have already done very well and have made tons of progress (I have read your other posts).  I am rooting for you.

[Finallyawake]

Hi Harri. Thanks for your reply and thanks for rooting for me. I find it really hard, but I am not giving up on this quest to straighten out my life. I don't care if it's a SLOW path, but I will do this someday.

Things got strange. My mom wrote me a note and handed it to me, basically recapping everything that I wrote here earlier that she felt about me. (As a side note, I felt good that I clearly understood her perspective, even though I didn't agree with it.)

Anyway, I told her that I understand her perspective, but I disagree with it entirely and said I would explain my side if she would listen. She let me explain. I did so calmly and rationally. Then, without any explanation, she forgave me and then acted as if absolutely nothing happened. She brought it up again later for a moment, but only to say that she believes I am going to change! I never apologized or agreed with her perspective at all.

I know she has no right to say and do the things she does. I look forward to someday learning how to fully speak up for myself and allow myself to have the freedoms that other adults have.

I did not let her see, but I was SO upset for nearly 12 hours. Then without reaching any kind of agreement whatsoever, the whole thing is dropped like it never happened. This is so totally strange. I'm happy right now because I don't have to deal with her battling me, but it makes no sense to me. What happened? Why did she just drop this? I am very confused by her response.

[Harri]

Hi!  I believe you will make the life you want for yourself too.  It is hard but you are worth it.  There are a lot of similarities in our stories. I was very tied to my mother and lived with my parents until my mid thirties.  It was the hardest and scariest thing to move away.  I got counseling and the first thing we had to work on was getting me to make choices based on what I wanted.  I was so tied to my mother hat I could not even buy a different kind of dishwashing liquid without having a panic attack.  So, to the extent that I can, I get what you are going through.  I am by no means through it all, and even though my parents are now dead (thankfully) they are still in my head quite a bit.  So anyway, keep working at it.  We can do this.

So it has been a couple of days since your mom 'forgave you'.  Anything new since then?  You asked what happened to cause her to drop the issue.  It is hard to say.  It could be a direct result of you having changed your behavior by not giving in to her and letting her silent tantrum affect you.   I prefer to think it was a reaction to the change in you but it is hard to say.  It could be related to the alignment of the planets... .or maybe she ate a magic bean or something... .oh!  maybe it is a gas bubble!  Seriously though, I think you did fantastically well and would put this in the win column in terms of working your way to standing up for yourself and not just surviving the experience but coming out on the plus side.  Just ride through any anxiety you may have.  She will do what she will do.  You are capable of dealing with things.  More than capable actually even with the anxiety and any fears that may be there.  Remember, the anxiety and fear can be your allies in this battle for autonomy.  They are often signals that you are breaking old thought processes and behaviors. 

I understand wanting to figure out why she changed her behavior though.  I would be curious and even apprehensive.  That is okay.  Focus more on why you changed... .remind yourself of your right to be your own person and to be treated with respect and dignity.  Most of all remind yourself that you have already taken huge steps on this winding crazy path we are all on.

 

[Finallyawake]

It's been 3 days and things have been strangely normal.
Before I get to those details, let me respond to what you wrote.

Your example about the dishwashing liquid is so much like what I experience. My anxiety ranges from knowing if I choose something she doesn't like, her response could be anything from insulting my opinion to completely verbally tearing me apart for choosing such a horrible thing. It would be a 1000 times worse if I did something without telling her. Then her response would either be anger that I did whatever the thing was or even worse - she would be simply be fuming mad that I didn't tell her. She always correlates me not telling her I did something to meaning I don't love her. It is very stressful and exhausting and she makes everything I do about her.

For example, I asked her to take me to a psychologist. She said no and I will be going anyway. She would never forgive me if she knew I am doing this. Her response would be to ask how I could do this to her, completely ignoring the fact that I am doing this for me.

Over the past 3 days, with a small exception yesterday at dinner when my mother blamed me for all her problems (which are NOT my fault), she has otherwise acted totally nice, funny, normal, and caring towards me.

This is the thing that makes my relationship with my mother so tough. If she were a total monster to me always, it would be easy to go no contact and get on with my life. It's times like these in the past that made me question my own judgement. In a way, her being like this is a form of gaslighting because it makes me (almost) question my perceptions. If this were a few years ago, I would have said I must have misjudged everything, but now I know that this is just the other part of being borderline. Right now, I think she is viewing me as all good, even though I've really done absolutely nothing different. This is splitting, but currently I'm on the good side. I know this can change at any time.

While I know she is being wonderful right now, I know she would do a 180 instantly if I told her I have a secret boyfriend, I have just started to get together with my one female friend without her knowing, I got the key to my p.o. box today, I am going to see a psychologist who will help me establish boundaries with her (starting in July), and I am saving up for a car.

While I am proud of myself for making more progress than I ever thought possible, I have to battle feelings of fear and guilt. These seemingly small steps are things I have never done before. I am not letting those emotions stop me, but it is something I gave to work through.