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Author Topic: Must love Dogs  (Read 382 times)
Should I stay or...
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« on: April 24, 2017, 10:24:30 AM »

It’s been awhile since I have posted, I do come back and read through postings from time to time and may comment on a few as well. I’m still trying to achieve more clarity. We all are a family in some ways, we are connected in pain. What we have in common is that deep knife stabbing hurt and the unclear meaning of why we were stabbed. We come here to mourn the loss of a great relationship and seek the help of others to get through our loss.

I lost the dearest love of my life next to my daughter, my 16 year old female Shish Tzu named Kiko just three days ago…anyone that owns a pet will agree that they become a member of one’s family and their unconditional love is unparalleled. I could go on and on about her…

Kiko has been a part of my life for so long that she has endeared herself to many that had been in her company as well as mine. I protected her in life and I believe that she is sending me a message in her death.
Upon her death, I reached out through text messages to many that had met her especially, the 4 women in my life during the time of Kiko’s life. They had all shared a sweet love for her and the knowing of her passing I believed would be appreciated.
 
Reflecting today, three out of the four women whom were the most meaningful in my life, and had spent a great deal of time with Kiko and I had responded with deep sympathy and sorrow for my loss.

My relationships during the time of Kiko’s life:
First previous girlfriend, I have known for more 20 years and we have stayed on friendly terms throughout the years, she’s is now married. Second previous girlfriend we lived together for 5 years and had a great relationship and we still reach out on holiday’s, she now has a boyfriend. The third girlfriend of 5 years, whom had been diagnosed with BPD during our relationship and loved Kiko dearly was sent a text as well. We have been in NC for just over 1.5 years. I still love her though and hold out hope that things would be different and we could reunite someday. The fourth girlfriend I had met on tinder and dated for a while….They all responded in kind. Except one!

Even in one’s death there’s no empathy for the loss of another in the mind of a BPD. Sincere love is the key to all who seek and want to love another deeply, kindly, tenderly and forever. Contrarily, BPD is not a sincere diagnosis.
 
I believe we all wanted our love for our BPD relationships’ to be different then the endings we were given. We all hoped for more, a future. A future mirroring the love that was so great. The pieces we are left holding trying to reassemble to make a whole relationship sustainable is futile. The irony is: it was never whole to begin with. You can’t make whole what is not.

An unconscious life learning experiment because we all loved the same dog.

I love you Kiko and that’s forever!
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roberto516
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« Reply #1 on: April 24, 2017, 10:42:47 AM »

Quote from: Should I stay or... .link=topic=309054.msg12864491#msg12864491 date=1493047470

Even in one’s death there’s no empathy for the loss of another in the mind of a BPD. Sincere love is the key to all who seek and want to love another deeply, kindly, tenderly and forever. Contrarily, BPD is not a sincere diagnosis.
 

First, I'm sorry for your loss. One of the greatest gifts from being discarded is that I took Lilly, a tan and white Tibetan Spaniel, who we bought together. She said she couldn't keep or afford her when I left. Naturally she used that as the "in" to get in contact and I fear she will do it again.

Second, I understand the quote far too well. The reason I had finally had enough was when my grandpop passed away. I couldn't cope/support her. And I saw who she was. Her father said,  "The reason you can't support him is because you've had so many deaths in our extended family. This is new to him." No, she couldn't even comprehend my feelings. And I tried to let her know how I was feeling. But she cared about herself.

My relationship with my little Tibby is what life really should be. We are so happy to see each other. But when I leave she doesn't get upset or wonder where I"m at. And when she saunters off to go upstairs and lay with my other dogs I don't feel horrible or desperately want her next to me. If I have a life that consists of being single but is filled with a dogs love then I am one blessed individual.

Kiko gave you love. Unconditionally. I am going to write down what you said. Because it's true. "Sincere love is the key to all who seek and want to love another deeply, kindly, tenderly and forever." She never sincerely loved me. Does that hurt? A little. But I know I sincerely loved her. And that I am capable of being a good human being.
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“Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart. The really great men must, I think, have great sadness on earth.”
Pretty Woman
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The Greatest Love is the Love You Give Yourself


« Reply #2 on: April 24, 2017, 10:53:37 AM »

I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved, Kiko. When I look at my sweet Penelope I feel the same way. She was not present when I dated my ex but she was there for me unconditionally after the break up (I adopted her 6mo later).

Your exes responding kindly is not surprising. I would expect that if you ended on fairly decent terms and if they are not all disordered.

What I learned in my own process with my ex is she could be very compassionate... .as long as she wasn't responsible for the "pain and suffering". She would grieve the loss of someone's child, a child she had never met for years but look at me as if I was the devil incarnate once she left me for another "host".

I really feel for you in this moment. I am thinking about my pup at home and how much she loves me and I love her. A dog's love really is unconditional and very loyal.

 
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Aesir
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« Reply #3 on: April 24, 2017, 11:21:26 AM »

It's interesting that I never had a real attachment to dogs before I met my ex.  I was close to her pet border collie before we broke up. Her dog treated me better than she did. In the relationship I was on the third rail.
I really miss that dog.
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OptimusRhyme
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« Reply #4 on: April 24, 2017, 11:18:58 PM »

It's interesting that I never had a real attachment to dogs before I met my ex.  I was close to her pet border collie before we broke up. Her dog treated me better than she did. In the relationship I was on the third rail.
I really miss that dog.

I've always been a dog person, and my ex adopted a rescue who had a fantastic personality but was in need of a little training. I have a suspicion she adopted him as part of mirroring me, but regardless, it lasted a week before she realized she couldn't handle the responsibility at all and gave him back.

The only picture I kept was of me and that dog, and if it weren't a little too weird, I'd go find and adopt him myself.
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Should I stay or...
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« Reply #5 on: April 25, 2017, 05:18:48 PM »

Thank you all for your sympathy. I knew I wasn't going to get a reply from my exBPDgf but I knew all others would care for my loss.

How insincere are/were your partners?
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roberto516
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« Reply #6 on: April 25, 2017, 05:26:13 PM »

Well I do forgive her for this. Honestly. I know who she is. And I know none of it was truly intentional. But after my grandpop died I felt so depressed, and she supported me for a day or two. Then I went to lay in the bed next to her. I put on the tv and she was watching netflix on her phone. After a minute she told me "This isn't working" (meaning me in the bedroom) "I'm trying to watch netflix and this is cramping my style".

Then she would get concert tickets to shows with her family that she knew I'd love to go to. But she'd always do it during arguments so she wouldn't ask me if I wanted to go.

The last time was when she said I ruined her christmas because on christmas eve I went home to see my parents because this was a week after my grandpop died and I wanted to feel loved. I communicated my depression, and told her that I needed to be with my family. Sure could I have sucked it up? Yeah but I would have been quiet and she would have been mad at me because her family would have asked why I wasn't talking/looking happy.

There were many others. Far too many. But it was so subtle and happened little by little. That when she would bully me into shaving my beard or not coming over her house sooner than I wanted on weekends I was already kind of broken.
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“Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart. The really great men must, I think, have great sadness on earth.”
Larmoyant
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« Reply #7 on: April 25, 2017, 08:50:49 PM »

Oh I cried when I read this. I know exactly how you feel about Kiko and my heart goes out to you. I’m so sorry for your loss  . I lost my beloved little dog during my relationship and my ex was so very cruel when I needed him most. It was perhaps the worst thing he ever did and the lack of empathy was very difficult to experience. Rest well dear Kiko.
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Should I stay or...
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Gender: Male
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Relationship status: SO
Posts: 157



« Reply #8 on: April 26, 2017, 06:08:47 AM »

Awwww larmoyant thank you, I needed a hug today
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