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Author Topic: One moment I resent her, the next moment I miss her intensely - 2  (Read 2326 times)
FallenOne
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« on: April 05, 2017, 02:04:05 PM »

I'm looking for some opinions here. Still examining some of the things that happened to me. Do you think that living together brings out their behaviors more since you're both alone with each other? I feel like my ex's behaviors came out more when other people weren't around... Does living together possibly speed up the devaluation process?
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« Reply #1 on: April 05, 2017, 02:17:18 PM »

My observation has been any activity or behavior that illicit feelings of intimacy and familiarity in people with BPD (pwBPD) seem to also trigger in them their disordered fear of (imagined) abandonment/betrayal/denigration.

So when you start living together, you start to become more familiar or familial (like family) and IMO that would definitely be a trigger for a pwBPD's fear of abandonment, which could cause them to devalue you.
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« Reply #2 on: April 06, 2017, 01:38:28 PM »

My experience with living together is that you are with them 24/7 for the most part so you see more clearly the rollercoaster of their emotions. We also work together so it really was a 24/7 relationship. All I can say is that it was more enjoyable working with her than co-habitating with her. She does wear her mask at work and at least appears more emotionally regulated... .but I know the ping pong balls in her head are incessantly bouncing no matter where she is.

Living together one sees much more of her disastrous coping mechanisms: heavy drinking (she loved doing shots of Fireball), cutting, vaping, going out with "friends". I don't know if it speeds up the devaluation cycle, but you are available to their full force BPD emotions and manipulations when you are alone with them.
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« Reply #3 on: April 06, 2017, 01:59:43 PM »

living together is a big step in a relationship. it can bring out the worst in any couple, and both as individuals. each person is exposed to the others weird and annoying quirks. privacy and space and freedom become limited and shared.

living together doesnt speed up a devaluation process - it brings two people with issues closer together and amplifies those issues.

how many of us made this decision impulsively?
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« Reply #4 on: April 06, 2017, 02:36:42 PM »

I moved in with my exBPD fairly quickly but other factors contributed to that in a way.  When we started dating we lived in separate towns that were 25 miles apart.  After about a month of dating I took a better job that was in her town and my lease on my house was expiring so "why don't you move in with me" sounded pretty reasonable (I was staying at her place every night anyway). All the stars were lining up (so I thought).

I can't say us living together caused a change in her behavior... .as OR mentioned, I was just exposed to them more often.  However, living together could have contributed to my early devaluation because within weeks after I moved in she wanted me to buy an engagement ring, put each other on our checking accounts and start looking for houses.  I was not going to do that (so soon anyway) so that was the first step in my devaluation.  Perhaps if I hadn't moved in with her she wouldn't have been so rushed to get engaged, share finances and buy a house.

In my opinion, being devalued can't be avoided.  Perhaps delayed by circumstances, but not avoided.  So if you're wondering if you could have avoided the inevitable by not living together, my answer is no.
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« Reply #5 on: April 06, 2017, 04:59:03 PM »

This one is interesting

My ex wife and I actually improved our relationship when we moved in and I think that may be more down to me feeling more comfortable. We're going back years here but I remember I was always very unsure of her feelings for me and she was often out of contact for days and behaving strangely with intermittent love and reinforcement - it was me that calmed down and our relationship improved when she moved in.

Our relationship didn't really get worse the closer we got - it got better - in the end we drifted apart - I lost interest in her to be honest - I wasn't interested in anyone else and wasn't planning on leaving but things got very bad very quick with a strong on unfortunate incidences.  I found her irritating for the last years and was bored of always doing what she wanted every weekend. Her family were around a lot and it irritated me to spend so much time with the in laws. I'm not really sure our marriage ended because of her issues alone - at the time I really believed that, and would have hung in if it weren't for them, but 'hanging in' is not what anyone deserves for a young marriage!
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« Reply #6 on: April 06, 2017, 05:31:07 PM »

My ex more had "traits" and was more avoidant than clingy with conflict.
Moving in meant that he didn't have space between visits to decompress and regroup and put on his best face.  He seemed to think moving in would be as fun as dating but more fun.  Ummmm, NOT!  Seems he didn't really grasp, even though he seemed to communicate he did grasp the amount of responsibility that comes with moving in together.  We were merging households, kids, and well, there were naturally more expectations added with cohabiting, also division of roles, coparenting, etc.  Ex was no good at compromise, however, from a dating and more distant perspective, he appeared to be.  Yet, living with him, i soon learned that he wasn't compromising as I believed... .one day he threw it in my face that he was "always giving me my way" but biting his tongue.  I had no idea cause he pretended he was happy and content with what we arrived at after an argument.  I had no idea he had limited capacity for real conflict resolution.  So that space we always took between dates well... .was necessary to keep the dysfunctional dynamics at bay... .yet, neither of us knew.
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« Reply #7 on: April 06, 2017, 09:29:41 PM »

My xBPD asked me to move in, we talked about how our cats would get along how he would cook for me etc... .I thought wow this is great and felt releaved as I was in the process of looking for a new place to live.

A week later after spending time with his sister is when he decided living together wouldn't work as he needs his space.  My x seemed to have a very odd relationship with his sister as if she controlled all he did .

It seemed like after he asked me to move in is when things rapidly declined ... it's when he came  to me and said he has depression and a personality disorder and was getting therapy ... he broke up with me for the 2nd time soon after that .   I didn't know about BPD then but he has many traits.
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« Reply #8 on: April 06, 2017, 10:15:02 PM »

I made the decision impulsively  

I fell for the,  "why don't you want to move in,  don't you love me?" With crying and anger. Another  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) I chose to ignore.

After 1.5 years of bliss,  it took only 3 months before my ex lapsed into a severe depression after she married and co-habitated with the guy she left me for. He got both far more of a high and low than I did.  

Excerpt
living together doesnt speed up a devaluation process - it brings two people with issues closer together and amplifies those issues.

PD or not,  this is true.  There is no break.  You each see who the other really is.  

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« Reply #9 on: April 06, 2017, 10:57:13 PM »

I've heard it makes them worse from virtually every person who has ever done it.

I never lived with mine, (she asked me to but i would not do it until i trusted her and i never did)  however the replacement after me was devalued within a few weeks of living with her and supposedly the new guy who she moved in with about a month ago is now having serious second thoughts.
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« Reply #10 on: April 07, 2017, 03:40:03 AM »

My ex who I suspect has BPD, text that in time she hoped we could be friends but would understand if we couldnt. What does this mean? I text saying that for my own peace of mind I needed to draw a line undereverything and try and move on. Incidentally she had gone to Australia having walked away for the 3rd time! But only 3 weeks prior she wanted the whole shebang with me, children etc. she had hinted at BPD before going. I had found out that in a matter of weeks of being there she had replaced me. I questioned her over text and she got very defensive texts b ack 'what did you expect me to do, never move on?' I then stupidly sent the nice text cos I couldn't stand the texts I sent previously which were angry etc ( I've since read more and more about BPD and have realized she has many of the traits and wished I'd perhaps never sent the text?). That's when she replied with the I hope we can be friends.  NC for nearly 4 months now. I had been recycled 3 times before. I guess my question is what does she mean if anything? I know she is with someone else now and in the first 2 weeks of being there was with someone immediately. She text me after the first 2 weeks when that came to an end as that person returned to the U.K. Bam a text asking how I was  having had nothing for 3 weeks. I believe she will not contact me ... .but what if this new r/s ends, then could she?
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« Reply #11 on: April 07, 2017, 03:45:50 AM »

Yes, she could and she probably will. In my opinion it will be in your interest to not respond, nicely or otherwise. Remember, they love you until they don't, they need you until they don't. All subject to constant change. I know this at the cost of my own sanity and almost my life.
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« Reply #12 on: April 07, 2017, 03:56:09 AM »

these were the exact words of one if not the final texts I got from her:

I feel I don't need you.

Once you know about BPD, there's our evidence, and your closure eh? Now she's back on POf looking for the next victim.
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« Reply #13 on: April 07, 2017, 04:08:13 AM »

Thank you ... .I did not reply to the 'I hope we can be friends but would understand if you couldn't as I know you think I've done some hurtful things to you' ... .not much! That was the last exchange of texts between us and I did not say either way. She has since changed her number (Australia sim) and I'm assuming she still has my number ? I have no idea how long she will be in oz for - a year visa but spoke of staying out there longer? I guess it's the best place for her to be - the other side of the world. I have been in turmoil and pain for a long time over this r/s and still find it hard day to day. As I say I suspect BPD nothing confirmed but the more I read ... .plus she hinted at it herself.
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« Reply #14 on: April 07, 2017, 05:10:38 AM »

I declined my ex's offer to move in with him. I had some self-preservation instincts left somewhere. My decision initially felt counterintuitive, because one of my ex's worst difficulties was paranoia, and the paranoia got worse if I wasn't around him. I thought that living together could have alleviated that.

His relationship with the woman he cheated on me with (his flatmate) lasted for exactly a year and two weeks, his longest yet, and she agrees that the paranoia was worse when they were away from each other for whatever reason. But it got to the point where if she sat in the living room to sew instead of being with him in his room, he would get angry and suspicious. She had to try and come home for a few minutes each day in between work (she had two part-time jobs) to alleviate the paranoia. If she wanted to walk home instead of taking the bus, he would get paranoid and angry that she was "deliberately avoiding him" instead of getting to him as quickly as she could. So the proximity was a double-edged sword and I'm glad I had the sense to refuse his invitation, even though it might have saved me from the pain of being cheated on... .for a while.
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« Reply #15 on: April 07, 2017, 06:03:17 AM »

In one of the final few emails I received from my exBPD, yes we were down to emails in the final few days she wasn't returning calls then I blocked her number, she stated she would "always love me  and always be my best friend, but that I wanted more than friends".   This was while she was at the same time on Facebook with the next guy posing as'engaged', of course she had somehow gotten him to block me before he was posting it so I couldn't see and had some friend let me know.
I blocked her phone, email, fb, there is nothing else she has to hurt me with so I haven't heard anything since it ended over 4 years ago.  I do believe that once you ve really seen behind the curtain at Oz they get pretty gun shy about messing with you again, because they know the jig is up with you.   Just MHO.    
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« Reply #16 on: April 07, 2017, 06:33:56 AM »

I had all that friend sh*t too. Rubbish, they just want to keep you hanging on in case their life goes t*ts up again. I have friends but they sure wouldn't be if they spoke to and treated me the way he did. Their concept of friendship is as off balance as their concept of love.
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« Reply #17 on: April 07, 2017, 07:12:27 AM »

I was told before she headed off to oz 'I love you i just can't be with you ... .I need to be free and find out who I am ... I don't know who I am. You want to settle down and I cant' she also said that 'there would always be a massive place in her heart for me' . It just hurts so much and I agree the whole wanting to have you still in their lives. She's done this throughout her leaving me - happy to still have me there somewhere ... .before I found about the new/1st one in oz I had 'message me whenever!' I've been recycled now (as I now understand it) about 3 times.
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« Reply #18 on: April 07, 2017, 07:21:14 AM »

I haven't heard a peep in three months, and I don't expect to. She tried the "friends route" about ten seconds after telling me that I was too mentally ill to date anyone good in our last face-to-face conversation. I held back a laugh and said I didn't think it was appropriate to be friends after everything that happened.

She didn't like that. The next day there was the typical series of raging texts and phone calls. I blocked all forms of contact with her as I decided full NC for life was the only responsible form of action for the both of us. She tried to turn a mutual friend against me and when he told her she was being immature she raged and split him black too.

I don't think I'll hear from her again for the same reasons others on this post have said. As soon as I called her on her behaviour and told her I was not okay with continuing because of the things she did (and at that point I had no idea how many lies there were) there was no way for her to recycle me. When a BPDs shame and guilt kick in there is usually no way for them to ever come back in an adult manner. I consider myself lucky it went this way.
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« Reply #19 on: April 07, 2017, 07:43:26 AM »

I made the decision impulsively  

i "didnt have a choice". my ex moved her way in immediately, for the first three months of our relationship.

i pushed her to go back to her place, to get a job, etc. always met with major resistance. the fighting was daily, probably more than once a day. the whole experience was exhausting, it was the first of many times i "broke up" with her. its hard to affect a boundary in that situation, to this day im not positive what id have done but i like to think id never have gotten in that situation in the first place.

for what its worth, she did pitch us getting our own place together. i said no, and she got upset for hours, then got over it and thankfully never brought it up again.
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« Reply #20 on: April 07, 2017, 01:11:11 PM »

I haven't heard from her directly in months but she has started a new job very close to my workplace and is regularly engaging with my female coworkers so I feel like I have her eyes and ears all around me.

Although painful initially I think it is much better in the long-run if they disappear off the face of the earth. If they stick around and get into your business (directly or otherwise) it really slows down progress I have found.
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FallenOne
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« Reply #21 on: April 07, 2017, 01:41:13 PM »

Did anyone else find it difficult to return to ground level after one of your ex's episodes?

I found myself in this situation a lot. We would be sitting there, or doing something (at home or somewhere else) and suddenly when one of her triggers were triggered, she would go off the wall and go into one of her rages, or start crying, being moody, yelling or whatever else, and then when it was over, I was still in shock but she was "back to normal" again and I had trouble returning to the comfortable state I was in before it happened...

This usually caused more problems for us... Because she was able to go from 0 to 1000 and then back to 0 again within minutes, but I was still in my "what the heck just happened... ." state of mind and was unable to just let it go and return to normal because of the shock of what just happened out of nowhere.

This would cause me to distance myself from her a bit until the event completely wore off in my mind, then I was able to warm up to her again... But, she would be "hurt" by my distancing, because I wouldn't cuddle up to her, or speak that much, or face the other direction in bed, until I was able to forget what just happened... She would, of course, be paranoid and ask me "what's wrong?" and I would usually say "oh it's nothing, I'm okay" or would honestly tell her that "I'm still a little freaked out by what just happened... ." and she would be confused about this, as if the event didn't even happen or she didn't even seem to realize how much she actually flipped out. But, like I said, once some time passed without any more blowups, I was fine again, until the next blowup...

Did anyone else experience this?
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« Reply #22 on: April 07, 2017, 01:50:30 PM »

At what point in your relationship did you know she suffered from BPD? I knew pretty early on that she had been diagnosed with BPD... .and with my rescuer personality, I was able to go with her flow and re-engage pretty quickly... .but the first time she cut was very alarming, and I wondered what I had gotten myself into... .

I could definitely see your position, especially if you were unaware of BPD.
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« Reply #23 on: April 07, 2017, 01:58:12 PM »

I'm not a very religious person but after the last episode, I sent a text about her meant for my mother to her beause I was texting her at the same time, my mom broke out the bible one me and said I need to repeat this over and over.

The serenity prayer.

Give me the serenity to accept the things I can't change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to tell the difference.

I've been in a mindfulness class for the past 6 weeks and this jelled so easily with the concepts I have been working on. We need balance. We need to know when to fight and when to accept. This was a big discussion last night in my mindfulness class. Its not just about accepting or changing its about the wisdom to know when to do both. Accepting all the time is just as much of a manipulative coping mechanism as fighting back all the time is. The growth lies in balance and wisdom. If you just accept then the high conflict person will walk all over your boundaries at will. If you fight back all the time you feed their desire for conflict. The key is wisdom to know how and when to defend your boundaries in such a way as not to feed their desire.

When I figure out the perfect way to do this given our own nature I'll let you know. Wisdom is surely wasted on the old.
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FallenOne
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« Reply #24 on: April 07, 2017, 02:00:11 PM »

At what point in your relationship did you know she suffered from BPD?

I knew of her personal issues before even getting involved with her but knew nothing about mental illnesses... I never knew it would be as bad as it was. She did not tell me anything about having BPD when we began dating. I knew she had depression, anxiety, went to a therapist/psychiatrist, was on meds and stuff, but that's all I knew.

After about a year together, and after a few weeks of not speaking after a huge blowup, she told me about her BPD diagnosis. She had spent about 9 months in a psychiatric hospital and was diagnosed with borderline there... She was 19 when diagnosed. She's 24 now. I know for a fact that she's diagnosed, because I have been to many of her appointments with her, visited her in the hospital, and I have seen her release papers myself.
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« Reply #25 on: April 07, 2017, 02:12:52 PM »

I found it very difficult. My ex would also pretend like absolutely nothing had happened (pretending her phone was broken during silent treatment episodes) or passing off nasty remarks and comments as "a joke".

So whilst I was still reeling she was acting like nothing had happened (usually within minutes or hours) and was confused when I explained why any of it was an issue. My response to all of this was to start agreeing with her that it was all a big nothing which my most serious mistake as all that happened was the severity and hurtfulness of the attacks increased.
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« Reply #26 on: April 07, 2017, 02:21:32 PM »

Hey FallenOne, Sure, this happened to me plenty of times, so much so that I began a practice of disengagement as a way to pre-empt her nuclear strikes.  I refused to share my feelings with her, because too often they were thrown back in my face during her tantrums.  After a while, it was like two strangers living under the same roof, which wasn't much of a marriage, sad to say.

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« Reply #27 on: April 07, 2017, 02:25:14 PM »

My ex would ask for us to move in together and then find ways of delaying/avoiding it happening when the time to get serious came. I think she saw it as a way of testing compliance and control rather than actually being something she wanted.

During her rages she would often say "I am relieved we don't live together because you treat me so badly" or words to that effect. We never got to the point where we actually lived together though.

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« Reply #28 on: April 07, 2017, 02:29:34 PM »

Ours would go on for hours and then when she was done I need to decompress and I get accused of stonewalling just when I'm about back to normal she would go of that if I loved her I couldn't be distant from her I would just love her through it. Then I'm back to What the heck. We never stopped long Enough for me to get back to neutral.
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« Reply #29 on: April 08, 2017, 04:53:33 AM »

my exBPD gf has her ex partner living across the street; he bought a house directly opposite! Although I was 99% certain they remained friends and non sexual, it was clear that although she wasn't happy he bought the place, she was still happy to string him along and openly admitted she was using him for non relationship/non sexual favours. She found it amusing that the guys new gf was suspicious... no surprise there, he would appear to be still hooked, and a woman might possibly pick up the signs quicker than a man.

For my exBPD, it gave her a sense of power, bolstered her fragile ego and her ability to still be an attractive woman.
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