Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
January 22, 2021, 11:35:26 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
222
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Worried my traumatic break up is effecting me in dating  (Read 661 times)
trevjim
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 368



« on: September 21, 2017, 12:30:02 PM »

So nearly 5 years ago, I broke up with my BPDex, she had a son from another partner i helped raise and we both saw each other as father/son. When we broke up she was vindictive and denied me access to seeing him.

That was the worst thing ive been through, i mourned the relationship with not just her but fhe child too. I was depressed and bordering on suicidal for years after.

However with help from this amazing forum, I moved on and 'got over it'

I dated alot of girls in the years since and even got worried i couldnt develop feelings because nothing reached the 'high' that dating a person with BPD can give.

18 months ago i did find a girl and fell for her hard and fast, but she ended up leaving me for an ex.

This set me back big time and alot of the negative feelings came flooding back.

It took me about a year to get over that.

Present day:

Ive been seeing this girl for 2 months now, we hit it off really well, and dispite my best efforts to resist, ive fallen hard and fast for her. We are still seeing each other but without going into all the details, im sensing that she see's me as just something casual, possibly even just friends with benefits, where as i actually really like her. Ive bought up the subject of becoming official, but she said she has 'commitment issues and is scared of hurting me or herself', so thats really put me on edge.

I live each day terrified that she is going to end it, the anxiety is overwhelming, to the point where is possibly making me Ill.

Ive been hurt alot in the past and am living in fear that after finally finding someone, she is going to hurt me again.

Its not just me being paranoid, there are a few things that have made me feel that its inevitable she is going to end it somewhere in the near future.

Logged
Hisaccount
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: divorced
Posts: 336


« Reply #1 on: September 21, 2017, 12:40:42 PM »

That is a hard spot. I know exactly how you are feeling.
It sounds like you know your answer already.

Years ago I would describe a very similar scenario to a female friend of mine, she always helped me navigate dating. One her favorite sayings to me was, "I have this book you should read, it is titled, she is just not that into you"
We laughed about it and it is meant to be funny.

It doesn't mean she cannot develop deeper feelings for you, but you certainly love her more than she loves you right now.

You have to decide what your life goals are. Do you want a partner for life? it sounds like you do. If she seems to have stalled it might be time to move on if she is unwilling to have that serious discussion with you.

I dated and thought there was just nothing left of me or I was broken after my exBPD left. Then out of the blue you find feelings for someone you didn't think you had left in you.
Then as you are finding out it opens up a whole new set of fears you haven't had to deal with yet.

What happens when you tell her your fears or how you are feeling about the relationship?
Logged
trevjim
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 368



« Reply #2 on: September 21, 2017, 01:56:13 PM »

 Bullet: contents of text or email (click to insert in post) Hisaccount

I certainly want something long term. She has said she does too, however (her words) she is scare of commitment, scared of getting hurt and hurting me. She says she has alot of walls up.

She doesnt show much emotion and doesnt give much away. We have had a chat about it once and i came out none the wiser. Just that she wants to take it slow, which is fine, however considering we have been sleeping together for a while now, becoming 'official' shouldn't be that much of a big deal.

That said, i respect that she wants to take it slow and havnt pressed it any further as that will only drive her away.

Ive got a real dilemma, on one hand there is a possibility she is just using me for sex and a short term fling, on the other, perhaps she is genuinely scared and does have alot of walls.

I either carry on and risk getting hurt or end it now to protect myself and risk potentially losing something good.

I dont feel for one second its me just being paranoid, she has given off alot of mixed signals, and the saying 'she's just not that into you' comes to mind.

Im really getting worried about my mental health through all this
Logged
spacecadet
formerly Wisedup22
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 136



« Reply #3 on: September 24, 2017, 08:56:55 AM »

Hi Trevjim, this is a really tough spot you're in. It takes courage to make yourself vulnerable by letting someone know you care for them, and it can be difficult if not impossible to know the difference between your gf being scared of being hurt or hurting you, and just seeing this as a fling. It's good that you're taking things slowly to accommodate her needs, although you're feeling the effect, i.e. anxiety and fear of being left.

If I may ask some more details... .how old are you both? You mentioned that you are a year out of your last serious r/s. Has she talked about her last r/s, what it was like, how long it lasted and how long ago it ended? Also if she's still in touch with her ex's. Not necessarily to ask her directly because that's turning up the intensity or pressure which she's already said she doesn't want, but you could wait and see if she brings it up and just listen, maybe casually ask a couple questions to probe this a bit.

Meantime... .how often do you see one another? If it's frequent one thing you could try is cutting back a bit on contact, e.g. if you talk every day & get together 3-4x week try talking every other day, 1 or 2 dates/week. If she's said she does not want to be exclusive it's probably better if you see others. Not to sleep around, but to be aware that there are other attractive women out there. As hard as it is, if she asks for space you need to give it and as much as you can, just be in the moment, relax and enjoy the times you are together. Some people suggest doing this as a game, I don't see it as a game, rather you're protecting your own heart (job 1) and respecting her boundaries.

What else do you do that you love? Working out, hobbies, a night class etc. Do you have other friends you can have a great time with, go out have some belly laughs? This is really helpful in focusing your mind elsewhere, shoring up your own happiness. It's a paradox in the good sense because it simultaneously strengthens you so you're better equipped to deal in case she does end things, while it takes pressure off of the r/s and makes her feel more comfortable and likely to stick around. But most important, you'll feel stronger and less anxious.

If the anxiety continues you might want to talk to a counselor... .Just a thought.

Everything here is FWIW, you know yourself best. Unfortunately serial r/s's leave us all with some level of unease if not PTSD   Being cool (click to insert in post) Hang tough and take care of yourself!


Logged
Skip
Site Director
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 8425


« Reply #4 on: September 24, 2017, 11:18:04 AM »

Ive got a real dilemma, on one hand there is a possibility she is just using me for sex and a short term fling... .

Not committing doesn't mean she is using you. There is a lot of places on the dial between "making it official" and "using you for sex"... .she is some place on that dial. Try to think where. It will help not to see this as either extreme.

she has given off alot of mixed signals, and the saying 'she's just not that into you' comes to mind.

Is this a correct read... .

You have been seeing a girl for 8 weeks, your confidence in the relationship exceeds hers, you are asking to be officially each others partner and bring your family and friends around that and she is saying "I'm not ready". You are getting nervous about it and showing your nervousness.



You are smothering her. That is never good. Read her words as "you are asking too much, too soon." Hear it. Don't repeat it to her. Drop the subject. You have been given a signal. As a man, you must understand that it means "time to pivot".

The truth is that she may not see you as her beau. The may also be that you are crowding her and she is spending more energy protecting her space than longing for you to be in her space.

So what is pivot? Change the dynamic you are offering her (but do it by action not words). Shift from "commitment" focus to a "have fun"focus". Make each time together, really cool.

And the hard part... .give her more space. Just back up a little bit and wait to see if she says anything or she is comfortable. Back off a little more... .make each connection more fun, just fewer of them.

When you shift this dynamic and she has enough time to get used to it, you will see where she is in terms of the importance of this relationship. She will surely take this space at first. Be patient.

This, is you best hope.  You're courting her and letting her reach out for you.

Lastly. Strength and confidence in yourself is important. Both of you will be attracted to that. This may be your forever lover, it not be your forever lover. At the very least, you can find out more about yourself and how to be an attractive partner.

 Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)   
Logged

 
Hisaccount
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: divorced
Posts: 336


« Reply #5 on: September 25, 2017, 12:52:16 PM »



And the hard part... .give her more space. Just back up a little bit and wait to see if she says anything or she is comfortable. Back off a little more... .make each connection more fun, just fewer of them.



This is excellent advice. I did this. It helped a ton to see someone actually pursue me when I was questioning the relationship.

I had a hard time with the lack of Love bombing basically, I wanted it. I wanted someone that was constantly showering me. I wanted to feel wanted. I wanted all those things, the fast, deep connection I felt I had with my BPDx.

But that is not healthy at all and we have learned that. Still doesn't mean we don't want it.

So here we are stuck in the middle. What is normal?
Every relationship, every person is different.
The gal I am currently with, she posts pictures of herself on facebook and snap chat all the time. I have gotten one, because I asked for it.
At first it made me upset, jealous even. I felt that I should be getting them first or only sent to me. Then I realized that I am trying to force my view of what a relationship should look like on her.

The first clue to me was that I was the one upset. So if the interaction is within my boundaries, then the problem is in me, not her. Then I over analyzed it like I normally do.
I wanted to take it as a sign that she didn't want me or was shopping for someone else.
As time went on I realized that it was how she was keeping up with her friends now since she had been devoting so much time to me she didn't get to see them as much. e.g. New car, new hair, new nails, new shoes. The pictures are directed at girly friends.

It seems silly but weights and measures work. If you can't talk it out, see what her actions are. Does she pursue you or just let you fade away?
Might be a good test. Help you see things differently, for me it calmed a lot of insecurities. 
See if your fears are valid, face them is the only way they will go away.

Confidence is good as well, just like skip said it is attractive.
I am certainly afraid my GF is going to leave me at some point, and I will never tell her that because that does not portray confidence.
but I feel that way because she is that special too me and I don't want to lose her. It is not an insecurity that I have or an unresolved abandonment issue.
So check your fears and why you have them. 
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2021?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2020 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
40days_in_desert
Ahquei3s
alphabeta
Amethyste
Angie59
ArtistGuy70
AskingWhy
assumezero
At Bay
Avanzando
Baglady
Beneck
bigredneck
Bittlecat
Boll Weevil
calmboom
Cat Familiar
Chosen
Dnmtnbkr
drained1996
Eggshellsbroken
FaintTheGoat
FaithHopeLove
FindingMe2011
Forgiveness
freespirit
GaGrl
ggGreg
Gift to Myself
gotbushels
Harri
hopeandchoices
I Am Redeemed
Imatter33
Jazzy48
jdc
jones54
Jonthan
Katrinalove
Kwamina
l8kgrl
LLgreen
Longterm
lorymac
lovenature
loyalwife
lucidone
Manifest32f
MariannaR
Meridius
Methuen
mgirl
Minttea
Mommydoc
Mutt
narcdaughter2
needPeace
NorseWoman
Notgoneyet
oceanheart
oftentimes
Omega1
once removed
Only Human
otherlife
palynne
PeacefulMom
Pedro
pest947
podsnapG
ProudDad12
pursuingJoy
Radcliff
Raul
Recycle
Resiliant
Rev
Rosheger
Sad4Her
SamwizeGamgee
Sandalwood
SBBayArea
SCM
SerendipityChild
SES
Silverhope
Skip
songbirdtwo
StillStuck
Swimmy55
Teno
townhouse
truthbeknown
turtleengine501
Ventak
vinnie77
Violet00
wavewatcher
wendydarling
WhatJustHappened?
Whichwayisup
whirlpoollife
Wicker Man
WindofChange
worn_out
WTL
zachira
zaqsert

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!