Hope for me

[Bluerskies]

I am so lost.  I am co-dependent and hate it. I am still friends with my ex who I think might be BPD and constantly feel the need to save him from himself.  We spend a lot of time together. He's been really moody lately and out of the blue told me he doesn't want to see me anymore.  He's been very mean about it, won't answer any questions as to why, hangs up on me, belittles me.  I finally just told him I would not call him anymore and he could call me if he wanted to talk.

I can't even tell you what I feel anymore besides fear and worry.  When we broke up he had been suicidal - I had to involuntarily commit him and I worry he will go there again and now that he has isolated himself I won't be able to help.  Even though he's not really showing any signs of major depression, just a lot of anger.

At the same time I understand how crazy I sound.  I was with him for 9 years and I love him still.  I wouldn't want to be with him again, but I love him and when he is doing okay I like spending time with him.  The crazy part comes in where I would pretty much sacrifice everything I have to help him even though he shows no concern for how I feel, doesn't seem to care at all anymore and obviously doesn't want me around.  In a weird way this feels like breaking up a second time.

My need to keep him safe is killing me and now I am sad and bewildered.  I don't know where to go from here.  I think these patterns are so deeply ingrained in me that I can't change them.

[Mutt]

Hi Blueskies, 



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry to hear that. I think realizing that you have a specific pattern in r/s's is a step in right direction. I can understand how difficult change can be, you can tweak it, think about it this way, there are good qualities with caretaking. We have nurses, doctors, police officers that have caretaking qualities, can you think of different ways that you can use it? I put it to use differently, I volunteer time to help others, I used to be my exuBPDw's helper and fixer but things never changed. She has to help herself, the love I had for her is not enough to cure the disorder, we're not above the disorder. How long have you been broken up?

[Bluerskies]

Hi Blueskies, 



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry to hear that. I think realizing that you have a specific pattern in r/s's is a step in right direction. I can understand how difficult change can be, you can tweak it, think about it this way, there are good qualities with caretaking. We have nurses, doctors, police officers that have caretaking qualities, can you think of different ways that you can use it? I put it to use differently, I volunteer time to help others, I used to be my exuBPDw's helper and fixer but things never changed. She has to help herself, the love I had for her is not enough to cure the disorder, we're not above the disorder. How long have you been broken up?

Thank you for the welcome Mutt.  We've been broken up for a year and a half.  I went no contact and had started to move on when he started contacting me about being suicidal again.  He was suicidal for around 8 months of that time and I felt like I was really the only person who was there for him - he had alienated everyone else. 

I would like to volunteer but right now I am so lacking of energy.  I'm particularly set off by situations where people are somehow in danger.  I stayed in a different relationship with someone who was addicted to drugs for 7 years (he was clean when I met him), we eventually broke up and he died a year or so later from an overdose.  So I have a lot of worry around losing another person.

How did you break your patterns - I know where mine stem from and it is from childhood - I feel like they are stronger then I am.

[Mutt]

You're stronger than you think. It takes time, the first step was minimal contact, I can't go no contact with my exuBPDw because of our kids, my boundary is i'll respond only to the kids's need and not respond about anything personal.

So I worked on not responding and giving her an emotional response when she was dysregulated and wanted soothing or was lashing out etc... .that took a few weeks, I talked about and shared the entire experience here, I went to a P then a T ( Psychologist, Therapist) finally I went to my MD and got medication for depression and anxiety and talked to another T for CBT skills, instead of talk therapy it's doing something different or changing our patterns for healthier ones. For example the gym, it gets me out of the house and around people, when i'm depressed I start disconnecting from people, that's depression, excersise helps my anxiety and depression symptoms too.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Bluerskies,

I'd like to join Mutt in welcoming you to the community. I'm sorry that you are feeling lost. I can understand that, especially after what you've been through.   I want you to know that you are not alone. So many of us here have caretaking/co-dependent qualities. As Mutt says, they can be very good qualities, but when they run amok in relationships, they can cause problems for us and our loved ones.

Like you, I realize that I have been using coping strategies that I picked up in childhood to manage adult relationships—and they just aren't appropriate. The good news is that we can learn new ways of relating. Patterns can feel very entrenched, but change DOES happen.

If you could change one aspect of your "codependent" qualities, what would it be?

Keep writing. It really helps to share. We're here to support you.

heartandwhole

[Bluerskies]

Hi Bluerskies,

I'd like to join Mutt in welcoming you to the community. I'm sorry that you are feeling lost. I can understand that, especially after what you've been through.   I want you to know that you are not alone. So many of us here have caretaking/co-dependent qualities. As Mutt says, they can be very good qualities, but when they run amok in relationships, they can cause problems for us and our loved ones.

Like you, I realize that I have been using coping strategies that I picked up in childhood to manage adult relationships—and they just aren't appropriate. The good news is that we can learn new ways of relating. Patterns can feel very entrenched, but change DOES happen.

If you could change one aspect of your "codependent" qualities, what would it be?

Keep writing. It really helps to share. We're here to support you.

heartandwhole

Hi Heartandwhole - thank you so much for the welcome.  I think if I could change one thing it would be the constant worry & the feeling that I can save other people, that they can't do it themselves.  I put so much responsibility on myself even when someone isn't asking for help and sometimes I wonder if what I am doing is harmful instead of helpful.

My heart feels pretty battered right now.  I can't understand how he could be so cruel in his response to me.  I haven't been feeling very good lately, a lot of issues in my life and he knows that.  I could only describe how he treated me like this - it was as if I was a stranger - and on top of it a stranger he hated.  No explanations, nothing.  It makes it all so much worse.  I am struggling with both the worry about him and anger at how he acted and confusion.

Does anyone have suggestions for what I should be doing now.  I want to be different then I am, I don't want to live like this but I don't know where to start, have no idea.  Thank you.

[Bluerskies]

I wish I had titled this differently - was feeling so bad when I first wrote and I do have a deep concern that I won't be able to help myself but hate seeing it everytime I look at this.

Found this info on a page here and I feel like this is where I need to start (https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-borderline-personality-disorder):

For all the others, we should do everything we can to reduce the conflict in the immediate term. This may not be easy - it requires a great deal of maturity. It usually involves "giving in" to the other person, allowing them space, and listening to and validating their feelings.

At the same time, we need to step back from the conflict and start processing the hurt or resentment that we are feeling, either alone or with help from others - but not the person we are in conflict with.

I'm going to try to start here.

[heartandwhole]

Bluerskies,

That is a great place to start. With understanding we gain power to make informed decisions. I know how difficult it can be to find your way through this. Rest assured that we'll walk with you. 

When I first arrived here, I felt so confused and hurt. This article really helped me to understand what I had just experienced :

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

If you have time to read it, let me know what you think. I was stuck in believing the words and I assumed he was having the same relationship that I (thought) I was having.

Hang in there. There truly IS hope for things to get better.

heartandwhole

[cbm419]

Welcome!

I lurk here nowadays but your post touched on enough things I identify with that I was compelled to reply.

My three year relationship w a BPD was like a tornado that wreaked havoc on my life, my family's, and on him (BPDx). He was undiagnosed until 3 months after break up, he was hospitalized and the disorder was finally labeled. I was sure he had it for years.

I have codependent traits. Also, my ex tends to use self harm and suicidal threats to A) get my attention/ keep me involved and B) cope with abandonment pain that is very real and intolerable to him (cutting outsources unbearable mental pain).

You arrived here carrying  honorable and supportive concern for him. I applaud you and many hugs!  But. In my mind, what you need to do is look in the mirror hard. It's just you now. He is not there anymore. He may never be. But you will be of no service to yourself, others or even him in this shape. Time to be a tad selfish for the first time in a while. I can relate. Giving up obligations became second nature. Then it became giving up everything. Including my own sanity. This made me a liability,  not an asset.

Studying BPD can initially feel insightful and liberating after a relationship with these individuals. There are a lot of "aha" moments, a lot of correlations drawn and explanations reached. Yes. It's great. But also leads to unnecessary rumination that delays your own healing process. You will never have a personal epiphany, unlock some magical gate by studying his illness.

Truly, you won't fix yourself by viewing this thru the lens of BPD. BPD is his problem. YOU are your own problem. And all of your best thoughts landed you in this position. It's time for a searching and fearless journey into yourself. Without him.

People with codependent traits tend to seek out others who can occupy a space our heads we left empty, or left with things we don't like to look at. I know I was bored often, while simultaneously anxious over some memories  (difficult childhood and early adult experiences) at the same time. Someone w BPD was a perfect (false) solution for my emptiness. Because their traumas were always so much greater, their dramas always such more fantastic emergencies. He was the answer to my (false) prayers. Someone who could absorb all that empty, anxious space in my head with his faults, his experiences, his needs.

And hey, it wasn't always bad. His dependence on me led to beautiful nights in each other's arms. Profound and innocent intimacy that persisted across the relationship. But I use be word innocent with intention. Because it was always like loving a child. From day one. The neediness, the tantrums, I could go on!

I want you to know you are an awesome person - if not you'd never have come here, you'd have left this person in the dust selfishly and moved on. But, if you are like me, you are also your biggest problem. I suggest in tandem with your work here you seek info on codependency and support on boards about that.

Better yet- find a local Coda group (codependency anonymous). It's free group therapy for people just like you, and just like me. It's a place to talk about that same kind of addiction to a person, that need to fill the empty space that I have so profoundly. I get the sense you may be like me too.

You need to take care of you. Cheers new friend!

[cbm419]

And a small afterthought. I invite you to peruse my profile and posts. Look at what it's like to engage no contact, break it, after a long on/off.

For me breaking no contact was an immense punishment to both my ex and myself. We did each other no favors by re engaging.

That's solely my own experience. But many here would identify.

My story is no more nor less insane than a single member here. But the deeper you reach into my 100+ posts, I hope the more convinced you will grow in your conviction to enforce distance at this time. For you. And for him.

God bless!

[Bluerskies]

Bluerskies,

That is a great place to start. With understanding we gain power to make informed decisions. I know how difficult it can be to find your way through this. Rest assured that we'll walk with you. 

When I first arrived here, I felt so confused and hurt. This article really helped me to understand what I had just experienced :

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

If you have time to read it, let me know what you think. I was stuck in believing the words and I assumed he was having the same relationship that I (thought) I was having.

Hang in there. There truly IS hope for things to get better.

heartandwhole

Heartandwhole - Thank you for the link.  I think I do assume he feels the same way I do, but now I'm really wondering about that.  I wonder if he sees me as a prop not a friend - someone who is there for him and that's really all he cares about. I'm going to work on how I think about this - not make assumptions as to his experiences or try to judge them from my own viewpoint.

I also do think deep down that I cause the issues we have had - I react badly - really badly now - when I start to see signs of him being moody I get moody.  I know it's not healthy. I think I do feel that if I change the dynamic can change.  Just a note here - after we broke up I was doing no contact - when we started interacting again I was ok but as time has gone on it's like I am reverting into acting almost 'as if' I am still in a relationship with him in terms of my responses.  I think in the beginning we got along because the line was very clear and old habits had not resurfaced yet.

This leads me to a question of why I want to be friends with him - I can't come up with the honest answer about this yet.  I am confused and really don't know. I know at the core I don't feel like he will be okay without me (I also know this is a strange/unhealthy thought to have but it is what I think).  I think another part of it is that I didn't want to let go of the good parts.

The point around absence making the heart grow less fond for the BPD really scares me but I am not in control of this situation so I am trying to let go.

Some of the other things I think I have felt at some point but anything of the more fairy tale variety is long gone.  Maybe I've swerved too far the other way.  I don't feel like there is hope for him.  I can't see him getting better.  I can't see him treating me better.  I can't see our friendship being healthy.

Yet if he called me today - I would go over there and sit through whatever I had to sit through to let him know that I was there for him.

[roberto516]

Yet if he called me today - I would go over there and sit through whatever I had to sit through to let him know that I was there for him.

If she somehow got in touch with me today I don't think I would. It would hurt me. Especially if she was telling me she was depressed, lonely, etc. But thankfully I don't have to deal with that. She's blocked on every channel of communication, and I think my anger and words after the second discard have painted me black. A part of me said those things because I knew I had to do it to keep her away. I did apoligize after and correctly admitted it was my internal anger at myself for falling for it again, but someone with these traits latches onto the words said. And she doesn't do well with resentments. So I am at peace. I'm forgiving myself for all of it. I did what I could in an impossible situation.

[Bluerskies]

And a small afterthought. I invite you to peruse my profile and posts. Look at what it's like to engage no contact, break it, after a long on/off.

For me breaking no contact was an immense punishment to both my ex and myself. We did each other no favors by re engaging.

That's solely my own experience. But many here would identify.

My story is no more nor less insane than a single member here. But the deeper you reach into my 100+ posts, I hope the more convinced you will grow in your conviction to enforce distance at this time. For you. And for him.

God bless!

CBM - thank you so much for your post - I am still digesting it and will be for awhile. Reading it makes me realize that I find my motivation to fight in other people.  I don't know how (or why) to fight for myself.  I think I will go to CODA meetings - I wish I had done this when I was in my first relationship but I thought at that time that everything was about his problem.  This relationship mimicked a lot of the emotional patterns of the other - different problems but same outcome and I am the common denominator.  When I got into this one I even had a checklist of what I would accept and wouldn't, I had friends meet him, listened to their honest feedback, I took my time getting into the relationship and here I am in exactly the situation I always feared.  

I directly relate to what you were saying about their traumas always being so much worse. I think one way I have tried to survive in life is by trying to act like I have had a normal experience.  Like yeah - terrible things happened when I was young but I'm over it - I got it together. I'm sure focusing on others problems is something that helps me keep that myth up.

I will read over your old posts - thank you for the hope.

[Bluerskies]

So yesterday was bad.  I started getting worried (see earlier - there has been past suicidal threats that were serious).  So I went over to his place to see if his car was there.  I don't know why, just to calm this fear I think.  It wasn't.  So I thought, I'll just wait a little but he didn't show up.  An hour later I left.  I was so upset I couldn't think - my mind instantly goes to him trying to kill himself.  I sent an email to him about something related to a project we work on together and I did get an open receipt on it.  So I know he is alive.

I feel crazy.  I'm so scared that this sudden wanting of me to not be near is part of a bigger issue.  I know I shouldn't be checking up on him, that it doesn't really do anything for me, but I can't live with this fear, it's overwhelming. 

Underneath all that is anger.  He's treating me as if I did some terrible thing so bad he can't even speak to me or let me know what is going on.  I feel so hurt.  I just don't understand.  I'm starting to think I may never see him again and I'll probably never understand why.