SKYPE with grandkids-taken away by BPD daughter

[abcdef1]

Hey all. We were doing better here for awhile, but now regression again. My DD told me that she would come this sun and cancelled last min. She told me that we could skype instead. Then she said only after 4 pm. I called her at 6 pm and she said sorry, they are in bed already. So now not only havent I seen them in months she took away the skyping so they should REALLY forget us. I am furious. I asked her if we could reschedule today and she said no shes working late. So when I asked her for a new 'good' time she avoided my texts and calls. SO Im back to nothing. Again. I dont know if I should laugh or cry... I HATE this! Advice please.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi abcdef1,

Do you have any guesses as to why she might be stonewalling?

I wonder if she sees her kids responding warmly to you, or talking in positive terms/tones, and this makes DD feel insecure?

When you sense she is becoming emotionally triggered, does it help to dial things all the way down? For example, instead of focusing on the grandkids, perhaps letting it go and focusing on DD instead?

There may be other things going on, it's always so hard to say. With SO's D20, she stonewalls and freezes us out when she is emotionally aroused. I can almost always trace it to her feeling left out or shunned in some way, even over something as simple as three people talking about something she knows nothing about. It seems to make her feel like she's unwanted or forgotten or unloved.

If we include her matter-of-factly, whether it's going on a walk or cooking dinner, it takes a while for her to thaw (she is particularly slow to return to baseline), but she does eventually come around. I now assume that the silent treatment or any kind of passive-aggressive behavior is a sign she is punishing us for not serving up a hearty dose of validation when she needed it.

How does your DD respond to validation?

[abcdef1]

great point! Yes she is NPD too so she doesnt like when they are too close to us and feels disregarded. I do validate her but walk a fine line bc not much to validate (since she rewrites history, etc.) She now uses her divorce and fact that she has the kids less time now due to custody arrangements and changing work hours-that she cant 'give up' any minutes of time to US bc SHE needs it, and sunday is HER day to do stuff so now she cant come either... .I cant fight her for the kids since they are not mine. Its so painful. They are getting more distant by the day (I feel). But nothing I can do.

[Lollypop]

Hi abcdef1

I can see how difficult this situation is for you. It does sound like your daughter is stretched with work and shared custody.

Is your daughter your only child?

I wonder if the weekends are such a problem for her, whether or not a mid-week visit to you is possible. I have a friend whose mother is undxBPD and she resolved a similar issue by having a family evening Wednesday (not every week). My friends provides the dinner and this helps her mother out too: two birds with one stone. This is something maybe for you to think about. Maybe there's another way of seeing the kids; offering to help and take them to clubs, friends or movies etc. Your time with them can be different.

I'd be careful how you approach this idea with your daughter though. Giving her space last time brought her back into your life. Gently forwards - baby steps.

LP