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Author Topic: feels like I've been run over by a freight train  (Read 416 times)
Ythisroad

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 25



« on: April 25, 2017, 09:24:50 AM »

I've been married 25 years... .  we've been together since I was 16.  Not sure if I was too deluded to see the problems then - being a teenager has its own set of issues.  I'm not going to go into our entire sob story - I'm just here because it's getting so much worse at home, and I feel horrible for my poor 11 year old daughter having to live this way.  I'm at my wits end - I cannot do anything right.  He gets mad about things I had no clue I was doing or not doing - I can't seem to change my own behavior to not anger him.  Last night he was mad because he wanted to measure things in the kitchen for remodel but I got side-tracked by needing to replace the ink in our printer for my daughter.  Because this took longer then he could stand, he left the room to play his video games.  So when I was finished I occupied myself with something else while waiting for him to come back, which I knew he would do, since he had food cooking.  He did indeed come back, and ranted about my not coming back to tell him I was finished with the ink and how I'm selfish, and I should move out, file for divorce (which I can't - I'm financially bound to him with a car payment I can never pay myself, and I live 30 miles from my job).  He said he hates me.  His eyes were seething.  I never know if I should just shut up or stand up for myself but neither works.  He was diagnosed as BPD when he checked himself in for outpatient drug treatment to keep his job.  I don't know if they added the Narcissistic trait on, but I would certainly say he fits that bill.  I don't know why I'm here other than I can't stop crying and I have no outlet.  Thanks for reading.  I'm sure my story isn't unfamiliar.  Prayers for us all who are dealing with BPD... .
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Lollypop
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 1353



« Reply #1 on: April 26, 2017, 01:54:27 AM »

Hi there YThisroad

I wanted to welcome you to the forum. I'm very sorry to hear what's brought you here but very glad you found us.

My BPDs is my adult son who is 26. I also have a younger son at 16. Obviously the BPD behaviours and how we reacted to them (or not) have made our family life difficult. I've been active in the forum since my BPDs was dx at 24. In the 17 months, I've started to understand that my husband has some traits so I understand. I met my husband at 12 and started dating at 16 - married for 35 years. How can I have missed this? My children have been walking on eggshells too. We're in a much better place than we were with the support I've had here. I spend my time in the Parenting board and hopped over to say Hi. You're exactly in the right place.

I started by reading and learning about BPD. If you take a look at the top right hand side of this page you'll find what you need for now. The more I read and learned, the calmer I became. This gave me the space to think about what I wanted to do and what I needed to do for my family. I got myself a plan and a way forwards for us.

My heart goes out to you and your daughter. BPD is devastating and exhausting.

Hugs

LP
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     I did my best. He told me I wasn’t good enough. White
believer55
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Posts: 153



« Reply #2 on: April 26, 2017, 03:05:22 AM »

Hi Ythisroad

I was exactly where you are a couple of years ago. The first thing I did was educate myself using the articles on this site and by joining in posts. The way things have improved (a little) for me include taking good care of myself and wherever possible validating my husbands feelings.

Excerpt
He gets mad about things I had no clue I was doing or not doing - I can't seem to change my own behavior to not anger him.

This is a battle you will not win. Please do not focus on changing who you are or trying to become the person he wants you to be. At times I have just about lost myself completely by becoming a "trained monkey" and trying to please him in the way I acted and spoke. No more! I now confront him (kindly) and let him know I have to be able to be me... .to speak like me and act like me. It sometime works Smiling (click to insert in post)

Excerpt
how I'm selfish, and I should move out, file for divorce
Yes the old ... .I'm upset so therefore the next logical solution is divorce or find someone new. I get this one quite a lot and at first would respond with what he wanted... .a gasp of horror and reassurance I love him and don't want to be with anyone else but him. I now know this is just another manipulation to hear just what he wants to hear, This is not what he wants at all but he needs to hear how important he is to me.

It is not about making it a power game... .but choosing what you want to say and how you want to respond.

It is hard work... .good luck and keep posting  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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DaddyBear77
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 625



« Reply #3 on: April 26, 2017, 12:01:35 PM »

Ythisroad I'm so glad you joined us - welcome! 

I am also in a 17 year marriage with a pwBPD and, wow, things are so intense - I completely empathize with where you are.

I learned about BPD about 8 years ago, but it wasn't until my daughter was born 4 years ago that I started seeking support. At first I posted on Randi Kreger's boards thanks to the book Stop Walking on Eggshells and the sequel Essential Family Guide . I also found that my pwBPD has traits of both BPD and NPD - this is pretty common. It's also somewhat rare overall that someone gets an official diagnosis either way, which is the case with my uBPDw (u stands for undiagnosed).

Something you said really stuck out to me... .
I never know if I should just shut up or stand up for myself but neither works.

I feel very similarly when my pwBPD is mean, angry, aggressive, unreasonable, hurtful. What's the most appropriate thing?

The question I've started to ask myself is: "Is there ANYTHING that would work here?" - it's a subtle difference, but it's important. If you go in with the assumption that there is this SOMETHING, one magical formula maybe, that will stop your pwBPD from doing what they're doing, aren't you essentially asking yourself is there any way I can stop them from having a disorder in the first place?

This site is an amazing resource to help you answer that question and the many many others I'm sure you have.

We look forward to hearing more of your story. I'm really glad you found us!

~DaddyBear77
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Ythisroad

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 25



« Reply #4 on: May 02, 2017, 09:17:45 AM »

Thank you all so much for your kind words ~ it does help to know I'm not losing my mind.  I'm pretty worn out, and so is my daughter.  It's hard work being strong for both of us.  We wonder every day what will set him off and count the day a "win" if we can lay our heads down without tears in our eyes.  It's a sad way to live.  I did find the "Stop Walking on Eggshells" book at the library and checked it out, but I got caught up in reading "Get Me Out of Here" - the story of Rachel Reiland - instead.  It's a wonderful book and I would plow through it faster if I felt safe reading it at home... . 

Thanks again, you are all very kind and helpful   
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Happy outside

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 32


« Reply #5 on: May 02, 2017, 08:17:44 PM »

Everyday is "damned if I do, damned if I don't". Too often I get " if you don't even know what you have done, you can never change". It's like banging your head against the wall. He only treats me this way. I'm starting to realize that he is projecting whatever is truly bothering him on me and looking for anything tiny to be upset about. I can't tell you how many times I've been told I'm selfish and a bad mother.
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Ythisroad

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 25



« Reply #6 on: May 03, 2017, 09:09:08 AM »

It IS hard being called names, being told he hates you... .you start to believe things you hear over and over again.  I feel like I'm on a roller coaster - because the next day (maybe 2nd day if the fight was really bad) it's life as usual, no apologies, as if it never happened.  And yet I have residual hurt but never re-open the conversation due to not wanting to start it over again.

I need to finish my book so I can get to the "walking on eggshells" book and acquire some tools to get off this merry-go-round.  I did notice the other day during an episode whilst I was being yelled at, instead of responding to his hurtful, angry words, I bowed my head and prayed... and he just kind of mumbled something and went away... .  I count that as a win  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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