Ythisroad I'm so glad you joined us - welcome!
I am also in a 17 year marriage with a pwBPD and, wow, things are so intense - I completely empathize with where you are.
I learned about BPD about 8 years ago, but it wasn't until my daughter was born 4 years ago that I started seeking support. At first I posted on Randi Kreger's boards thanks to the book
Stop Walking on Eggshells and the sequel
Essential Family Guide . I also found that my pwBPD has traits of both BPD and NPD - this is pretty common. It's also somewhat rare overall that someone gets an official diagnosis either way, which is the case with my uBPDw (u stands for undiagnosed).
Something you said really stuck out to me... .
I never know if I should just shut up or stand up for myself but neither works.
I feel very similarly when my pwBPD is mean, angry, aggressive, unreasonable, hurtful. What's the most appropriate thing?
The question I've started to ask myself is: "Is there ANYTHING that would work here?" - it's a subtle difference, but it's important. If you go in with the assumption that there is this SOMETHING, one magical formula maybe, that will stop your pwBPD from doing what they're doing, aren't you essentially asking yourself is there any way I can stop them from having a disorder in the first place?
This site is an amazing resource to help you answer that question and the many many others I'm sure you have.
We look forward to hearing more of your story. I'm really glad you found us!
~DaddyBear77