How to cope with projection of abuse

[Jillian1231]

My ex-pwBPD projects his abusive acts onto me and discloses this to others, including his children, our therapist, and my mother.

I used to ignore his assertions and not make a fight out of it, but he seems to be spreading his distortions and recently threatened to reveal the "true Jillian" to my family, because he believes they have no idea who I am.  I told him I welcome him sharing with my family if that is what he needs to do, but I suggested that because he is lacking accountability for his behavior and his role within our relationship they may not be all that interested in what he has to say.

Has this happened to anyone else?  

How do you respond when confronted by others?

How should I respond to him when he makes these false allegations to me?  
I usually validate and empathize his feeling abused.


His fundamental reason for ending our relationship is because he feels that I have severe control issues and abuse him physically and I will never get better because I have no idea what reality is.

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[Shane87]

Ouch!  I feel your pain, but to less of a degree.  In my case, she spent over 3/4 of a year "counseling" with our local bishop and telling him what a frightening, controlling person she thought I was.  By the time I found out and tried speaking with the bishop about it, he was already conditioned to the point where he disregarded outright, or discounted, every word I said.  When I pointed out that there was a psychiatrist involved and some of the direction the psychiatrist was providing, the bishop even began arguing against the doctor.  My wife had been actively undermining the doctor's credibility to the bishop as well.

In my case, I had to effectively cut off any of his involvement with myself.  He's free to meet with my wife, but he doesn't get to counsel me.  I also met with his own ecclesiastical leader about the matter.  As someone raised to be very obedient and respectful to priesthood leaders, this was a significant challenge for me.  My wife knows of my upbringing and the psychiatrist even warned me that she would likely seek out the bishop as her enforcer against me.

My humble advice:  Don't be defensive.  Acknowledge what is true, and don't take accountability for what isn't true.  Be prepared to write off some relationships if necessary.  This is easier said than done, I know.

[DaddyBear77]

This is a very big problem for me right now in my own relationship with uBPDw of 17 years.

She is currently going once a week to a women's crisis center for counceling, and when she first started about a year ago, I panicked. I frantically tried to "get in front of it" by involving MY therapist at the time. I asked him to send a letter to her crisis counselor and it completely backfired. The crisis center has strict policies regarding confidentiality and other policies prohibiting a spouse from making contact, so my efforts to defend myself ended up reinforcing her projection.

I recognize my behavior as JADEing - you can read more about it here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0

I'm not sure about your specific situation (were you / are you married? Do you have children?) but you might also find the book Splitting / Protecting yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or a Narcissist useful. Even if the divorce aspect doesn't fit your situation, If you read it from the perspective of "be prepared" it can offer some good insight as to what might go wrong.

But to be honest, I'm not really sure either what's best so I'd love to hear more input from others, too?

[isilme]

I have to ask, you state this is your "ex-pwBPD".  Are you still in a relationship, or do you just still have friends and social circles in common?  If you are not together, a lot of what's said will probably sound a lot like just being a bitter ex. 

I believe in the past H tried to paint me black in the eyes of others, but as they met and got to know me, they seemed to question HIM more, as I did not show any of the signs of what I think he claimed about me, and he would often end up lashing out at one in our group of friends after a while and it would be evident HE was the one with behavior issues that needed addressing.

Now, when he threatens to "out" me for stuff he finds horrible (he caught me drinking out of the milk carton - thought that would embarrass me to friends), I tell him, "Ok, if you want to tell them, tell them."  I usually don't care, and know it will just make him look mean and petty, and he seems to not do it. 

In my case, tho, being the woman, sad to say, helps.  We have a society that more often than not will believe a woman's claims of abuse before they will listen to a man with the same claims, and for men, it can amount to a Scarlet A for the rest of their lives - it can impact jobs, friends, family, custody, and even create a criminal record.

As for accusations - you can't control what other people choose to believe.  All you can do is say, "we were having an argument/bad day/disagreement and I suppose they are just venting.  Do you really think I would do XYZ?"  Friends closer to your ex will prolly side that way - friends closer to you, with you.  Your family, hopefully, will side with you unless they have their own PD issues that might make accusations coincide with any preconceived notions. 

[Shane87]

In my case, tho, being the woman, sad to say, helps.  We have a society that more often than not will believe a woman's claims of abuse before they will listen to a man with the same claims, and for men, it can amount to a Scarlet A for the rest of their lives - it can impact jobs, friends, family, custody, and even create a criminal record.

This is very insightful, and in my experience very true.  There may have been a time in history where the reverse was the norm, but today it is a disadvantage to be a man when accusations are made.

[isilme]

Shane,

In my area, law enforcement routinely arrests the man, even if he's the one who called to report domestic violence against HIM or children.  And way too many women seem to feel they have a "right" to hit men and never be hit back by anyone.  I hate that.  It's wrong.  Equal is equal - if you feel you get to hit someone, prepare for it to come back (not encouraging hitting, just live in part of the country where women can be, well, gangsta, and BPD is not so much an issue for them, but a lifestyle of dramatic conflict). 

Anyway, a man arrested because HE called the cops on his WIFE will be the one booked, probably charged, and then that may impact everything I listed above.  Sigh.