The Mother Who Leans on Me but Hates Me

[Mycrazymother]

My mother has ALWAYS told me about her, her abuse, her relationships, her "illnesses", HER! Since I was very young I had to listen to her problems and her life. I was deemed, "dramatic" or my favorite, "hateful" whenever I needed help or acted up.  I felt both Hated and needed by her. Hated because I was a girl I wasn't a male. Only males could be or were worthy of love in mother's eyes. I came last always behind my mother's latest man and then my brother. She would and still does pin my brother and I against each other. She does the same with my kids. The latter being the reason my husband and I had to make her move out of our home. That and dealing with all of her "illnesses". She wouldn't go when we explained it, she turned 1 year to get on her feet into 8 years of manipulation which finally drive me mad. When she wouldn't leave on her own we were so desperate we moved from our loved home into a smaller one. She was so surprised and angry (even though we explained it was time to go) she went around to OUR friends trash talking us to them and trying to live with them! When that didn't work she proceeded to trash talk us to my whole family until she found a taker. Most of my family won't speak to me. Shes a master manipulator and I don't like to go around trying to defend myself against stuff she won't and most of them won't admit was said. I KNOW she did trash me because my friends and my brothers wife came to me.
She did things that I as a mother myself, now find very disturbing, but I of course could never bring up to her because she would just say mockingly, "Yes, I'm a horrible mother I do everything wrong". Like she, a self proclaimed victim of sexual abuse allowed me at 5 to sleep with the 17 yr old nephew of her abuser, which led to my abuse. She also MANY nights at the same age sleep in the same bed with her abuser. She talks about her abuse still to this day ALL THE TIME and knows it's horrible, yet she didn't really protect me.
She NEVER apologizes for her behavior only for the behavior while she was on meth. Not for the years before and after. She of course is still an addict, just a different drug, pills.
There's just so much. She drives me crazy and hurts me all the time. I just want to SCREAM! There is NO validation ever. Just the same roller coaster. Now she is trying to manipulate MY kids. I am so lost.

[Notwendy]

I am sorry for your situation. I haven't experienced this kind of sexual abuse on the part of BPD mom, but I am her black child and have been subjected to her emotional abuse.

I felt connected to my father who passed away several years ago. My mother painted me black to him and by the time he died, I was pretty much disowned. It was very sad to think my father wanted to do this, but I suspect it was her idea. She painted me black to her FOO.

I was despondent when my father died, and yet, there was a sense of freedom too. I could walk away from the lot of them, break contact. There surely was plenty of reasons why I could do that, and nobody would blame me.

I couldn't do it. Some may say FOG, but my reasoning included the fact that she did have the power to hurt me when I was younger, but she really can't hurt me now. Sure, she can say mean things to me, say things to others, but she is an elderly widow and alone. My reasons included my own religious ideals along with the concept of Karma. She mistreated me when I was unable to care for myself. I don't want to do the same to her.

Of her children, I am the one most geographically closest. She does lean on me.  I have no illusions about the relationship. Her concern is her and I am useful to her. That is all. With this in mind, I have to act from a place of my own ethics- how do I treat an elderly person who needs something, but I also have to have boundaries.

I think it helps to figure out what you can do and what you can't, what kind of contact you wish to have and how often. If you decide this according to your mother's wants, it will be a roller coaster because her emotions are a roller coaster. You can be in the drivers seat for what you can do. You decide to say yes or no ( even if she doesn't like it) . If NC is the right thing to do for you, you can do this too. Make this relationship your choice and it won't feel so crazy.