Lack of loyalty

[UnforgivenII]

He discussed our relationship with anyone but me.
With all  his female friends.
But not with me.
Just remembering the emotional cheating started such a long time ago.

I pity his new supply. I will be praying for her.

[Mutt]

Hi UnforgivenII,

I can understand how that would hurt, we have different relationships in life and different friends offer different things regardless of what sex that they are, if you're interest is fitness and you have a friend that goes to the gym you could be gym buddies, if you need someone talk to then you might have a friend that's non judgemental and a good listener, you could talk to them. Having said that, communication is key in a romantic r/s, and what is said between two intimate people should stay between them and it wouldn't be appropriate to discuss those things with friends and on the topic of loyalty, you have trust.

It sound like he wasn't very good at intimacy, it also sounds like you may of wanted different things, do you feel like you had similar values? 

[UnforgivenII]

Not at all, Mutt. He has no values whatsoever.

[Mutt]

Hi UnforgivenII,

I didn't realize until my marriage collapse and I found this board that our values were different, I didn't have boundaries, in a way I was putting it in other people's hands to not harm me, how do they know what's best for me?

I haven't had a lot of r/s's, my exgf's before my wife where not as intense or extreme but they all had BPD traits. I never felt as much pain as I did when my ex wife left, I've never seen someone just change like that, it was like a light switch got turned off and she did a 180, at that point I saw that I had absolutely no voice with her, it was not longer decisions that we made together. My point is, I had enough, I didn't want this to happen again and in my situation I have kids, I didn't want to abandon them, they needed someone by their side to watch over them because their mother has BPD traits, I can;t fathom what the future would look like without an emotionally stable parent, they look up to her, she is their mother they have unconditional love for her and I don't get in between that.

Have you thought about future r/s's? Have you thought about what values are important to you in the next one? Have you thought about what your boundaries are? I'll share one of mine with you and I did this with all of my previous gf's, I'd try to rescue them, well I don't rescue anymore, that's one boundary.