Got cornered by the ex

[AustenJ]

Although I work with my ex, I have not seen her for for almost 45 days straight, and have had very little communication with her since she discarded me at the end of this past December.

I had a supervision duty near her area last week, and she blindsided me. I swear the hairs went up on the back of my neck  . Even though she is still deeply involved with my replacement, she said that she missed our "work relationship" desperately. My sense of humor and general care taking of her moods in the workplace helped her get through the day. I made a point to be around her several times a day and during lunch. Since NC in early January, her days at work have unraveled evidently. As I knew they would. I had explained to her that she could not just pick and choose what parts of our relationship she wanted to keep. I wanted it all and was willing to pay a very high price to be with her, BPD and all.

She is so distraught at work now, she has been applying for jobs out of state (that would be incredibly awesome!) Her family knows she is not well so they are pushing her to relocate back home, which makes her even more stressed and agitated (pwBPD destroy relationships with all, including family).

This has given me a unique perspective... .I thought I might be triggered by her reaching out to me, and then maybe thought with her leaving town might trigger me also... .but strangely... .neither event has triggered me. I almost feel stronger, like a burden has been lifted and that she hasn't changed her behavior with my replacement, and she will never change. It's like I'm having an out-of-body experience watching the train wreck unfold before me, yet being in control of my emotions this time... .

I have even playfully given her some of her own medicine by trying to recycle her... .not really... .but I know it's painfully obvious to her now what she sacrificed in regards to our work relationship... .which was a huge part of our relationship... .the most consistent and enjoyable part for sure. She even allowed me to ask her questions about the discard... .I never put much stock in her answers as they are always in the moment... .but I appreciated the gesture all the same to give me some closure.

Observing this unraveling just shows me that I did indeed dodge a bullet, even though I didn't need this experience to tell me that. I know that I'm an awesome, loving and kind and that I am her loss. There is an immense satisfaction on my part that she is aware of that loss every day at work... .maybe that's cruel... .but her lack of empathy when she discarded me, in my mind, makes her deserving.

[UnforgivenII]

Stop this my friend. Stop this now 

[Mutt]

Hi AustenJ,



I'm sorry to hear that. I think that you made a good point with how she wants to have part of the r/s, she probably wants something that suits and she's not putting herself in your shoes, it's understandable that there are so many broken r/s's. In a way she was trying to explain to you the reason why she acts the way she does, I completely agree with understanding BPD pathology, it has to be hard to hear from her though right now, not to mention you closely worked together. But and importand key to healing is reading about the disorder, minimal contact or no contact for awhile if someone doesn't respect you, it gives you space and time to recover from your emotional wound, taking really good care of yourself is important and more time behind you.

[once removed]

hey AustenJ  

several months after my breakup i spoke to a couple of mutual friends (they were her friends really, but those friendships had since ended). it sounded like a real horror show. i did feel better in the sense that their relationship didnt sound like what i was imagining.

having said that, its a shaky foundation to build our recoveries on the outcomes of our exes (their failure or success). it may feel better initially. its probably energy better spent on you and your recovery. when a relationship ends, particularly of the nature of these, it becomes about us. its no longer about whether our exes will change (if she was doing fantastically, would you feel the opposite of how you feel now?). will we change? will we address what drew us and kept us in messy relationship turmoil? will we go on to find healthier relationships?

what are you doing to make positive changes in your life?