Need to find place/time to grieve & let out pain properly

[Keef]

Hello folks  

I'm getting better on the whole even if a dull ache makes its way to the surface at times (sometimes of course when I least expect it to). The break-up is now approx five long months away. Well, I actually don't know if I can count December and January as 'months', they were more like a sustained mess of pitch-black desperation... .

My new job, which started in January, has really helped me moving on, as has the beautiful help of people here on the boards.

There is, however, something that bothers me. All the pain I experienced during 2016, a combination of the relationship and my mother's cancer (February-September 2016. She survived), proved to be too much. I was constantly on my guard regarding my gf's behaviour (and my own), and I was constantly worried about results regarding my mum's illness. I was torn, even though I now know where I should've been most of the time :/

This means I never found a space of my own to sit side by side with all the sadness and hurt.
I fear I haven't grieved/let out pain properly, not during the worst times, nor afterwards. My T made me aware of this the other day - which made me burst into tears.

I really long for letting out the pain and the tears. It hasn't got to do with self pity. I just need to find space and time to let all these things out. I don't want them encapsuled in my body, because their presence is somewhat nagging away on my energy.

In short, I need to:
1) let out the pain I felt during the relationship
2) grieve the end of the relationship (pls get me right. I do not. miss. it/her.)
3) let out the pain I went through during mother's illness

I think it's hard in this world/society to make time and space for these things. Any input would be really appreciated. Take care.
  Keef

[roberto516]

5 months! Geez. Congratulations! I can only speak for myself. My tears came unexpectedly. Driving home from work. It just all happened. I still haven't cried after the 2nd discard. i don't know if it's because I was expecting to be discarded, and so it wasn't a shock to me. But I was driving home from work the 1st time, and my boss texted me asking if I was alright.

I was in that pitch=black depression you said, and everyone knew it. I had changed completely. And then she said she asked because she cared about me. And I lost it. Thinking about that now makes me start to tear up . So I guess everyone is different. I can't force my tears or cry on command. But maybe after 2 months of loss (grandpop passing and the breakup) it was the first time someone said that to me in so long. People were supportive. But to hear that someone cared about me being in pain and it saddened them really turned on the waterworks.

I hope I cry again for this. It means that even after the 2nd discard I still care about what we had. And honestly, it feels so good to cry! It's the rawest emotion and afterwards I just feel a relief. The tears will come. The grief will come. And it will be awesome in a strange way.

[once removed]

hey keef 

well, it sounds like you have a pretty clear picture of your remaining grief, and getting good insight from your therapist.

have you tried putting your grief to music or writing? i find a real sense of resolve in my grief when i use those things as an outlet. there are many more, of course.

im glad to hear your mother survived. that must have been really hard.

[earlyL]

Hi Keef,

You and I are on really similar timelines, I remember your posts from the start of both our stories in December.

I have probably done the opposite to you as I have not had work and had a lot of space and time, I do think this has been good in some ways but also I have had too much and it sounds like the work has been a good thing for you. I think you are right, it is hard in todays world to give yourself some space, but I also think your mind and body will also let you know when that time is. I am sure we are all different, but I still have nights where I wake up at 4am and sob. I don't really know where it comes from, but it happens, and as Once Removed says, the tears are actually quite a relief, and make me feel much better afterwards.

I can understand your apprehension, but I think let it happen in its own time, if there is a way you can allow your self some space when not at work, not to make it happen but to just let yourself be in that moment then perhaps that is a good way forward for now? Even for an hour a night or at weekends? I still find I don't have huge concentration for books or tv programmes although that is getting better.
Or do you feel you need to actually go away somewhere to give yourself some distance? I recently went back to where I am from, which was good but also tough in another sense as my ex and I had been there a lot - but then it allowed me to make new memories and that actually felt pretty good.

[Larmoyant]

Hi Keef, you’re situation sounds similar to mine. My mum was diagnosed with cancer a few months after I ended my relationship (2016) and I too struggled with both situations. I actually believe that I may have gone back for another recycle if it hadn’t been for my mum’s illness. She really needed me and I knew I wouldn’t be able to cope if I went back to him.

Thankfully, my dear mum has survived too, but is very frail and I’m still holding back a lot of grief and pain. Sometimes I feel fit to burst with pain and emotion, but I've got used to putting on a brave front. Lately though many things seem to trigger my tears, a sad story on the news, a memory, a picture, a passage in a book. It's all started to come flowing out. It’s not self-pity it’s pure sadness and grief and it needs to come out. I, like you, don’t miss him anymore, but the pain remains and needs an outlet. Maybe that's the key to recovering. Let it out Keef and thanks for posting. I somehow don’t feel quite so alone. 

[Keef]

Thank you for your response.

  once removed: yes the months during my mum's illness were just terrible, and combined with juggling the relationship it was all too much.
I have written a lot of music since the end of January, and writing still. To me there's no doubt where all this comes from. But still... I have a need to exorcise things in other ways too. I haven't cried properly since February. Does that mean I eventually don't need to [cry more over this]? Trying to figure this out.

  roberto516: Your boss's question and concern opened the valve. That's nice. I need to hear that question, or rather needed to hear it more often three months ago from people close to me. It's not that they didn't or don't care, but: not many close to you understand what a relationship like this does to you. They don't always know how to address it I guess.
I'm scared that my body has encapsuled the pain and that my grief is residing somewhere inside of me. It doesn't want to be there - and I don't want it there. It wants out, to be set free  
And yes, crying is raw emotion. And it feels good afterwards. Thanks.

  earlyL:

I still have nights where I wake up at 4am and sob. I don't really know where it comes from, but it happens, and as Once Removed says, the tears are actually quite a relief, and make me feel much better afterwards.

I know! The strange waking-up from a dream... .or just from the sound of your own sobbing. Glad you reminded me, this actually happened to me only a couple of weeks ago. It left me with a really sad emotion of loss and pain. I wasn't scared or anything. Just sad.

Or do you feel you need to actually go away somewhere to give yourself some distance? I recently went back to where I am from, which was good but also tough in another sense as my ex and I had been there a lot - but then it allowed me to make new memories and that actually felt pretty good.

Good question. Last week I thought of renting a cottage on my own somewhere for a weekend, no rush, maybe in the summer, and just get rid of the pain. But what happens if I can't connect with my pain? If I just sit there feeling crappy? (or if I run out of food, ink, paper, and liquor haha... ) No I think there is truth to what you are saying; there is probably a time and place for it. Because it's still there, waiting/wanting to get out.

  Larmoyant: I am so glad to hear she survived!   . It's so... so awful, isn't it? It truly defies conventional language, trying to describe the process.

Sometimes I feel fit to burst with pain and emotion, but I've got used to putting on a brave front.

There's something important there - getting used to putting up that front. This has happened to me too. I started a new demanding job on the 1st January, only just over 4 weeks after the discard. Brave front expert, that's me by now. There is no obvious place for grief in this society, I will repeat that. That's what I think. I mean of course the new job has helped me greatly in getting stronger, but a vacation wouldn't have been wrong at the time... Anyway, before I start ranting:

I somehow don’t feel quite so alone. 

And you aren't! Keep posting you too 

So. To sum it up: I'm just afraid to miss the signal, the opportunity, etc, to burst and get rid of.