mom with issues

[midnightchurch]

Hello.  I am a 40-something year old and I am convinced my mother has BPD.  After years of emotional abuse, I finally stood my ground.  It started a few weeks ago when I made a snide comment after my mother complained about a health issue for the 1,000th time.  I realized what I did and even said "I am sorry, that wasn't my intention to hurt you."  Although I thought it was a good comeback, the few weeks following have been filled with cold-stone silent treatment.  This silent treatment continued at my daughter's dance competition, softball game, etc.  Each interaction with her left me feeling alienated and guilt-ridden.  I spoke to my therapist about it and finally went off on her today.  I used "I" statement and did not blame or name-call.  In the end, I told her she needs to see a therapist because I am tired of these patterns of behavior.  She, of course, placed all the blame on me and projected her issues onto me.  I am not sure what will happen.  I cannot predict the future.  This is the first time I ever stood up to her and expressed my unhappiness with her behaviors.  I am proud of myself, but at the same time, conflicted.  This has taken a huge emotional toll on me.  I am thinking of the past and all the times I let her manipulate me and emotionally abuse me.  She even has my dad brainwashed.  There are at least 15 people she has cut off from her life, including her own brother.  I need support.  I need guidance.  Most of all, I need someone who is going through the same thing as me to talk to.  My husband is awesome, but he never had a dysfunctional family, and cannot fathom these issues.

[Turkish]

Using "I" statements is a start on asserting boundaries,  good for you!

We have a lot of material at the top of the board,  including discussions on how to assert boundaries in a healthy manner (proactive rather than reactive,  though everybody here certainly understands being reactive given our long histories).

What is your history given your dynamic with her? Many of us suddenly see a  many years later,  so you are not alone.

Turkish

[Panda39]

Hi midnightchurch,

I want to join Turkish and welcome you to the BPD Family  .

I'm here because my SO (significant other) has an uBPDxw (undiagnosed BPD ex-wife) so come at this at a slightly different angle.  I have watched as their daughters D16 & D20 have worked to negotiate life with their mom.

It can be really tough due to the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) or the emotional blackmail that their mother uses to get her needs met.  It's doubly tough because the girls have been raised to respond to the use of FOG. 

One small example I see of this is their mom has trained them that it is rude to not answer your ringing phone even if you are sleeping, spending time with a friend, in the middle of dinner... .whatever.  They are made to feel obligated to answer and guilty if they don't... .she uses this to ensure that she has 24/7 access to them even when it's inappropriate.  She doesn't allow the girls to have boundaries around their own time, mom is a big boundary buster.

I think it helps to see the dynamic that is going on... .when you understand about the FOG and recognize that you might be in it, I think it can help in taking things less personally and see the dynamic for what it is.  Once you can get clear of the FOG or at least recognize it you can better set boundaries that can make things better for you.

Below are a couple links to more information on FOG... .
https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

It is absolutely okay to have boundaries in terms of what you will accept from your mom, it can be hard or awkward to set them at first but they are needed for your own well being. 

More on boundaries below... .
https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a120.htm
https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0

I'm so glad you've joined us there is a lot more information, tools, ideas, and support to be found here. Please see the box to the right --> each item is a link to more information just click on anything that resonates with you and read on.

Again welcome,
Panda39

[midnightchurch]

Thank you for getting back to me.  I appreciate being welcomed into the BPD Family.  I am hoping to find support in  this group.  My mom and I have always been close, but I never saw the "red flags" growing up.  I accepted her behavior as part of the norm because I didn't know any different. Now as an adult with 2 teenage girls, I recognize my mom's behavior is not normal and she must have an undiagnosed BPD.  With that said, she of course, will not admit to her own issues.  She has accused me of giving her the silent treatment and exhibiting "innuendos" (as she said... .which truthfully, I have no idea what that means).  She is even giving my 17 year old the same silent treatment and has accused her of "rolling her eyes" and whispering things about her in my mom's presence.  Yes, paranoia is big here.  My parents are in the middle of downsizing and my mom says "she is under so much stress right now".  Yea, we all are.  She even told me that my behavior is affecting my dad's health.  Guess I am the blame for his issues too.  Yesterday she told me that maybe it's best if we don't have a relationship anymore because it is "too stressful for her right now".  I agreed.  I also told her to go to therapy.  Well, that didn't go over well... .hahaha. I think she panicked when I called her bluff about ending our relationship because an hour later she texted me and said "so you agree to not have a relationship with your mom and possibly not your dad?" My reply was I am willing to work on the relationship as long as she works on her stuff.  No shock, I never got a reply back.  I feel torn.  I am trying not to let the guilt draw me back in.  I am a geriatric nurse and my mom even tried to guilt me by saying "you know how precious life is and how something can happen at any moment".  Like What the heck.  So I am supposed to tolerate this abusive behavior because she or my dad may drop over at any moment?