In my head when I wake up...

[FantasticMsDox]

Good Morning people,

I'm on day 3 of NC and my ex is the first thing that pops up into my head. As soon as I wake up, I think about her in her new relationship and get the throbbing feeling of bufferflies (anxiety?) and the thoughts become intrusive.

I was reading about trauma bonding last night, and damn it's scary. I wish the feeling was anger instead of a grief that I can't have her in my life, instead of sadness for her, and a longing to be with her to save her from herself.

I didn't even have coffee yet.

I truly forgot how hard this can be, but then one day you just stop thinking about them. But, this time is a bit different, I'm faced with my own issues that have risen from my x and I's rekindling.

The first time I went NC, It was more manageable. At the time, I was trying to do the friend thing with her but it was more along the lines of an occasional friendly text here and there.

 While we were in a relationship, she one day left my bed to hang with a mutual friend and turned out they wound up spending a night in a hotel together. They both lied to my face about it for like 1-2 years.  To the point where one day I even had a dream about them hooking up, and I brought it up to my "friend" and my ex and they wound up getting mad at me!

Well after the relationship was over, and this is now a year after the breakup I hang out with the friend and over many drinks she breaks down crying and tells me that they did hook up that nice and my ex and begged and pleaded not to tell me. I confronted the ex about with screenshots of my follow up conversation w/ the friend where I explain that I didn't want her as a friend because friends don't do that.

Two years later (this past January) i'm friendly with the ex again, but I still haven't spoken to my friend. My logic? Well, it was something I expected my ex to do but it my friend. What an excuse. Sorry for the rambling I just need to get this sh*t out.

So that bring me back to, the X being the first thing in my mind when I wake up followed by not anger, not hate, not any kind of emotion that'll make me declare "fu*k her!", no its sympathy, it's yearning, it's sadness and it's also a little wishful anxiousness because I want her to contact me.

I know that her new relationship is part of the cycle and that makes me sad, her not (or ever) choosing me makes me sad because the reality is, I'm stuck in that hero/caretaker mindset where I might as well have "Wow I WANNA SAVE HER FROM HERSELF" on my forehead. I can't wait to get past this.

[roberto516]

I still wake up and she's the first thing on my mind. But it's not one of sadness or regret anymore. It's just kind of like "oh okay. Well let me kiss my dog and get up and make her breakfast before work." I even dreamed about her last night. That used to make me wake up in utter dejection and loneliness. But the past few days I have only woken up with acceptance. It does get better. This morning I felt really bad. Anger at her, sadness that it ended. But then I talked to a dear friend. Processed it. And I felt better. So keep posting and talking. It works 

[Icefog]

I have this same difficulty. I find my rumination is more prominent in the morning and evening. It also worsens if I am tired or not taking care of myself.  It can be relentless and pervasive some days. I use distraction in the morning so when I wake I immediately swing into action which is also difficult since I like to wake up slowly. I find if I just lie there it is not helpful as I ruminate about the relationship, what I could have done differently, whether today will be the day she reconnects, or any other fallacy I have about who she is or what she's about. I constantly have to be on my toes about romanticizing the relationship and consult my journal for a reality check. I also let myself sit with my feelings knowing they will pass. Its not a pleasant way to wake up in the morning and I long for the day when its not so pervasive. It gets better but its a slow and sometimes exhausting process. I take comfort in the fact I have these feelings of sadness, loneliness and anger. If I didn't that would make me either psychopathic or dissociative like my exBPD and neither of those are attractive to me.     

[FantasticMsDox]

Thanks for sharing guys. Today I'm starting to feel a bit normal. I was relieved when the x popped into my mind today I felt some anger instead of more 'loving feelings'. I know the buffet of feelings will come in waves but I feel good nonetheless.

[Bluerskies]

For me he's the first thought in my head when I wake up and like you it is sympathy, sadness, yearning. I feel a bit like a fool.  I too became friends with my ex and things were okay for awhile and then suddenly after a month of being rude/short-tempered with me he told me to leave and not come over again.  When I tried to get an explanation he just hung up on me.

So here I am and every morning I wake up with that sadness and I don't think he probably even thinks a thing about me.  Were both pretty early into the NC so I'm sure this is common.  How have you found your friendship with your BPD?  I often think that it isn't healthy for me to be friends with mine, but have a hard time just throwing him out of my life.

[FantasticMsDox]

For me he's the first thought in my head when I wake up and like you it is sympathy, sadness, yearning. I feel a bit like a fool.  I too became friends with my ex and things were okay for awhile and then suddenly after a month of being rude/short-tempered with me he told me to leave and not come over again.  When I tried to get an explanation he just hung up on me.

So here I am and every morning I wake up with that sadness and I don't think he probably even thinks a thing about me.  Were both pretty early into the NC so I'm sure this is common.  How have you found your friendship with your BPD?  I often think that it isn't healthy for me to be friends with mine, but have a hard time just throwing him out of my life.

In the periods I would try to be friends with my ex I was always single so I was receptive to advances for sex or intimacy. At times the friendship was good. When we most recently connected it was kinda like having the good parts of her w/o having to deal with the relationship stuff.

But, still having feelings for her, being emotionally attached, etc... .like any normal friendship put a strain on it. Also knowing her patterns in romantic relationships, watching her jump from one person to another, her knowing my feelings (I try to be honest) made it a recipe for me to get hurt. It's too hard to watch.  I would wind up as a safety net, because I would allow it. In her mind, a friend is someone who is supportive, but her idea of "supportive" translates to: "you'll only say good things and never criticize me. Every action I make is consequence free and you should never form an option of me based on what I do, but what I tell you"

I find it best just to not try and move on. She's a good friend on the surface and can be very caring... .but, I don't think I can ever have a real friendship with her like I do with my friends. I don't even think she really truly knows how to be a friend.

There's too many broken pieces between us anyway. I don't trust the woman. Its too much work to fix and maintain a connection/foundation between us. I believe there's so much work there, that it's not worth it for a friendship, a relationship, perhaps but not a friendship. I already have a small group of friends who I've known most of my life.

It's hard in the beginning, but it gets eaiser as time goes on.

You really have to ask yourself why you want to be friends with the person.

When I asked myself that, the answer was "because I want to be with her, and I'll take anything at this point"

Then I have to ask myself why I wanted to be with her. And the answer to that is simply, being addicted to the idealization, the need to be needed, the feeling into my codependent and caregiving nature. And that's not good for me. Everyone is different, but should ask the same question of "why".

You mentioned that you know it's unhealthy to be w/him. Why do you think that is?

[seeperplexed]

I don't mean this to scare you in any way but to help you gain perspective... .

3rd day of NC, I had not eaten a solid food. It wasn't until the fourth or fifth day that I was able to eat solid food. I was on a liquid diet and drinking Boost and Ensure just to maintain sustenance. You seem to be doing quite well by the standards of many left behind by BPD individuals. I am now 8 months out from my relationship and doing so much better! That said, she is still one of the first things I think about everyday. It is usually not in a yearning way, it's almost become a habit. I just acknowledge the thoughts, sit with them, and try my best to move on.

[TsunamiWave]

Thats what happened today, im on my 4th day of NC aka no stalking her social media pages and dreaming of her and her new boyfriend is absolutely painful and makes me want to stalk her stuff... .