For me he's the first thought in my head when I wake up and like you it is sympathy, sadness, yearning. I feel a bit like a fool. I too became friends with my ex and things were okay for awhile and then suddenly after a month of being rude/short-tempered with me he told me to leave and not come over again. When I tried to get an explanation he just hung up on me.
So here I am and every morning I wake up with that sadness and I don't think he probably even thinks a thing about me. Were both pretty early into the NC so I'm sure this is common. How have you found your friendship with your BPD? I often think that it isn't healthy for me to be friends with mine, but have a hard time just throwing him out of my life.
In the periods I would try to be friends with my ex I was always single so I was receptive to advances for sex or intimacy. At times the friendship was good. When we most recently connected it was kinda like having the good parts of her w/o having to deal with the relationship stuff.
But, still having feelings for her, being emotionally attached, etc... .like any normal friendship put a strain on it. Also knowing her patterns in romantic relationships, watching her jump from one person to another, her knowing my feelings (I try to be honest) made it a recipe for me to get hurt. It's too hard to watch. I would wind up as a safety net, because I would allow it. In her mind, a friend is someone who is supportive, but her idea of "supportive" translates to: "you'll only say good things and never criticize me. Every action I make is consequence free and you should never form an option of me based on what I do, but what I tell you"
I find it best just to not try and move on. She's a good friend on the surface and can be very caring... .but, I don't think I can ever have a real friendship with her like I do with my friends. I don't even think she really truly knows how to be a friend.
There's too many broken pieces between us anyway. I don't trust the woman. Its too much work to fix and maintain a connection/foundation between us. I believe there's so much work there, that it's not worth it for a friendship, a relationship, perhaps but not a friendship. I already have a small group of friends who I've known most of my life.
It's hard in the beginning, but it gets eaiser as time goes on.
You really have to ask yourself why you want to be friends with the person.
When I asked myself that, the answer was "because I want to be with her, and I'll take anything at this point"
Then I have to ask myself why I wanted to be with her. And the answer to that is simply, being addicted to the idealization, the need to be needed, the feeling into my codependent and caregiving nature. And that's not good for me. Everyone is different, but should ask the same question of "why".
You mentioned that you know it's unhealthy to be w/him. Why do you think that is?