need support

[Tdj]

I am going through an excruciating with my BPD ex. We have been split for a month. I reached out to her last week and she is telling me now i've been making up lies about her and spreading them. She tells me she no longer cares about me and says i made her life so miserable for the duration of our relationship. She believes that I have been having an ongoing relationship with my ex wife which is just straight up non existent. Out of desperation I actually reached out and asked my ex wife to contact her and let her know we have no contact and haven't had any for a long time. She did but there has been no response.

I am sure that it is over, it seems that I have been painted so black there is no coming back. I'm broken and looking for support.

Could use any that I can get at the moment. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi Tdj,



I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a difficult time  a pwBPD blame others and the world for their problems, it's the nature of the disorder, it's something that she's going through, it's not personal, I also understand that it's difficult to see when you're in pain. And a pwBPD feel low self worth, low self esteem, self loath and self hate and are hypertensive to rejection, perceived or real and are constantly scanning for cue's that their going to be rejected, a maladaptive coping strategy under stress is rejecting loved ones before they reject you, it's self defeating really. Do you have an update for us? It's been a couple of days, I'm looking forward to reading more of your posts.

[Tdj]

Hi Tdj,



I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a difficult time  a pwBPD blame others and the world for their problems, it's the nature of the disorder, it's something that she's going through, it's not personal, I also understand that it's difficult to see when you're in pain. And a pwBPD feel low self worth, low self esteem, self loath and self hate and are hypertensive to rejection, perceived or real and are constantly scanning for cue's that their going to be rejected, a maladaptive coping strategy under stress is rejecting loved ones before they reject you, it's self defeating really. Do you have an update for us? It's been a couple of days, I'm looking forward to reading more of your posts.

Hi mutt thanks for replying,

Our conversationd went on for a couple of days. She would basically tell me how awful of a person I am and say she never wanted to talk to me again. Two nights in a row after thinking I would never hear from her I received a scorching email late in the night telling me how awful I was again. I kept trying to tell her that I loved her and wanted to fix things but she just kept making the story worse and worse. In the end the story she was claiming was so disconnected to what actually happened between us I felt completely lost. The last we had contact went very poorly. She again was convinced that I had been choosing my ex wife over her time after time and basically told me that she never wanted any contact with me ever again.

It was so bad I actually reached out to my ex wife and asked her to contact her and also confirm what I was telling her was true. My ex wife did exactly that and now my ex girlfriend has gone completely ghost. Blocked me on every platform.

Does anyone have opinions on what my ex wife reaching out to her may have done? Is it impossible to accept ? I just don't understand how someone can repeatedly reject the truth and accept something so negative instead. I now fear I will never hear from her again :-(

[Mutt]

Hi Tdj,

Does anyone have opinions on what my ex wife reaching out to her may have done? Is it impossible to accept ? I just don't understand how someone can repeatedly reject the truth and accept something so negative instead. I now fear I will never hear from her again :-(

You're not the cause of the disorder, it's something that she's going through, a pwBPD feel like they're not good enough, internally they're hypercritical to themselves, they have low self worth, self esteem, self loath and self hate. A pwBPD anticipate that everyone in their lives will reject them because they have feelings of worthlessness and look for cue's that people will reject them, it's self defeating behavior but a pwBPD will reject others before they get rejected.

I can understand the logic with not seeing why someone doesn't understand our truth, but that's how you and I think a pwBPD are wired differently, we need to approach it differently. Feelings are followed by truth for non's, feelings equals fact to a pwBPD, that's why important to validate in a r/s with a pwBPD, it doesn't mean that you're siding with everything that the person has said, everyone wants to be heard and validation makes someone feel like they've been heard, validate her feeling first then package your truth at the end.

A really important step, it's probably the most useful tool that I learned here after years of arguing and trying to make sense to my exuBPDw is to not JADE, you don't have to keep repeating yourself to make yourself heard to the other person, just letting your words stand can have more of an effect, JADE stands for Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain. Say things once or twice, don't JADE.

It's been a couple of days, do you have an update?

Don't "JADE" (justify, argue, defend, explain)

[Tdj]

Hi Tdj,

You're not the cause of the disorder, it's something that she's going through, a pwBPD feel like they're not good enough, internally they're hypercritical to themselves, they have low self worth, self esteem, self loath and self hate. A pwBPD anticipate that everyone in their lives will reject them because they have feelings of worthlessness and look for cue's that people will reject them, it's self defeating behavior but a pwBPD will reject others before they get rejected.

I can understand the logic with not seeing why someone doesn't understand our truth, but that's how you and I think a pwBPD are wired differently, we need to approach it differently. Feelings are followed by truth for non's, feelings equals fact to a pwBPD, that's why important to validate in a r/s with a pwBPD, it doesn't mean that you're siding with everything that the person has said, everyone wants to be heard and validation makes someone feel like they've been heard, validate her feeling first then package your truth at the end.

A really important step, it's probably the most useful tool that I learned here after years of arguing and trying to make sense to my exuBPDw is to not JADE, you don't have to keep repeating yourself to make yourself heard to the other person, just letting your words stand can have more of an effect, JADE stands for Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain. Say things once or twice, don't JADE.

It's been a couple of days, do you have an update?

Don't "JADE" (justify, argue, defend, explain)

Hey Mutt,

thanks for replying again. Since my wife reaching out to her I have had no contact with her and no attempts of contact in either direction.

I am a wreck, and while it may be the best thing for me, I fear I will never hear from her again