Feeling so lost

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Have been away from him for 2 months now. It's final this time. I know I need to focus on myself, but I feel completely lost and an overwhelming grief constantly. I can't get out of this mental loop, and I feel I don't even want to, because I just can't accept that's it's over.

[butterflylove]

Have been away from him for 2 months now. It's final this time. I know I need to focus on myself, but I feel completely lost and an overwhelming grief constantly. I can't get out of this mental loop, and I feel I don't even want to, because I just can't accept that's it's over.

[Claycrusher]

A relationship is a form of investment.  All investors like a return on what they invest in. 

We build what we hope will result in enduring companionship for the remainder of our days.  Think of that as "ROI" or return on investment.

When we don't get the return we hoped for... .  Well, its kind of tough to rejoice over that, isn't it?

Compounding matters, the end of a relationship really is a lot like a death and it is natural, and I would argue, very healthy, to feel as you state you feel at this stage of your loss.  It's tough to accept the loss of friends and loved ones when their time on earth is through.  Those same feelings apply in the metaphorical death of a relationship.

I think there are some resources here on this site about the stages of grief, but the way you feel right now sounds healthy to me, and if I'm right about that, I think I'm right when I say that the lost feeling and feeling of overwhelming grief will pass and, with the passing of a little time, acceptance of the situation will follow.

That's a long winded way of saying that I think the feelings you describe yourself as having are healthy for you to feel now, and because you do feel them now, there will be a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel for you, and you will reach it when the time is right.

In the meantime, we're here for you!

[heartandwhole]

Hi butterflylove,

Breaking up with someone you love is never easy; when you add BPD into the mix, it can be doubly difficult. I hope you'll be gentle with yourself. As   Claycrusher said, as hard as it is to feel the loss, your emotions are normal and will eventually pass.  

Recovery from this is a process, and it's not linear. Here is some information on grieving that will help:

The Stages of Grieving

Another great resource that really helped me when I first got here, feeling shattered and confused, is this article:

Surviving a Breakup When Your Partner Has BPD

Do you have supportive friends and family to lean on butterflylove? Have you reached out to a therapist? It really helped me after my breakup.

Keep posting. You are not alone. We're here for you.  

heartandwhole

[butterflylove]

Hello. Thank you. Yes, I do have a therapist, and many friends and family.
I have read these articles, and more, and books. The problem is that I don't want to move on. I don't want to "leave". I keep thinking of the happiness, I try to think of the horrible things, and sometimes I do, but it makes me more sad. I know I have to try to move along the recovery path, but I don't feel strong enough too. I feel like I can't, and that I rather be stuck where I am, at least I feel there is a chance of connection with him here. I keep thinking... .if I reach out to his family and tell them what happened (they have no idea), if I can someone how convince the right person of what happened, then maybe he could see the truth and get help. I don't know what I'm looking for. I have completely lost myself, and I don't want to go on. I wake up, and it's never a "new" day, because usually I have dreams of him, or think of him smiling at me when I wake up. I feel so destroyed, and I don't feel I have the strength to put myself together again. When I think of trying, I can only think that I want to do it if we can be back together again, because I can't see anything else.

[Mutt]

Hi butterflylove,



I'm sorry to hear that  I just wanted to say that you're stronger than you think. Hang in there.

[g2outfitter]

Don't ever give up hope... .ever. 

I've been in your exact shoes and there were many days in which I didn't think life was worth living anymore.  But the fact is, none of us have any idea what our future holds.  The happiness you felt with your ex could possibly be compounded with another who will actually appreciate what you bring to his life and will value your worth.  As bad as it seems right now you will make it through this... .you just have to let the clock tick. 

It's easy to think that all hope is lost but the truth is, there is always hope.  I have faced what I considered hopeless situations before in my life and I somehow recovered every time.  I bet you can look back during your life and realize this as well.  I'm sure you've survived bad times before, you will again this time.

[Idsrvt2]

I'm also al out two months out.  This is by far the most difficult thing to process for me and just when I think I'm doing better I either see him, or stupidly check social media like yesterday.
I too wish I was with him... .now I say that tonight, but just last week I was in a better mind set and said I would never go back. 

I feel like my head can't take much more... .the last time I saw mine was when he crossed in front of my car ... we are still connected with protection orders ... .he basically got rid of me and posted he is going to go out into the world again... .after being reclusive with me... .

I have no real words of wisdom, just wanted to let you know I'm at the same timeframe as you are. 

[devastatedwife]

I feel the same way.  I have been married 19 years and 1 month ago he told me he didn't think he loved me anymore and then 2 weeks ago he moved out and I found out he is already with someone else.  Although he has left I can't pull the plug and file for divorce.  We are in therapy and he keeps telling me all the things I did to push him away and cause the breakup.

I cry all the time and it is effecting my kids.  He is happy and giddy.  I don't know how to move on and I don't know who I am anymore.  I am scared of what my future looks like without him financially and I am scared I will be alone while he moves on to a better relationship.  If he is happy with the next one doesn't that mean I was at fault? I don't sleep and I don't eat.  There are moments where I am strong (like when I find out he is still with her or doing things with her I always asked to do and he wouldn't do). Then I am ready to divorce and move on but then I imagine a life where we share our children's lives and we don't do it together and I become paralyzed again.

[butterflylove]

That is really sad. My ex has already moved on, and also had started to while we were in therapy. It's shocking how easy it was for him (I now understand that it's just easier for him to do, than face the reality of his illness with me, and take responsibility). He also constantly blamed me for being the cause of his outbursts, and of being the reason why he was unhappy at home. Of course, he is the one that caused the chaos, and my depression.  I think he (as well as yours) just seems happy for now. If and when he ever gets close with her, his bad behavior would eventually come out, and cause the same destruction. What helped me get through this weekend, is realizing that the "happy , giddy" guy with the new girl, was the same "happy, giddy" guy that was with me (and you), and that he was with his ex before me (which he also destroyed- drove us both to the brink of suicide). It's only a matter of time... .
He will do it to her, too, so it is absolutely 100% not your fault.
At least my relationship didn't last too long, in the scheme of things. I can't imagine living with it for 19 years. I feel bad for your kids, having to see you suffer. Do they understand BPD?

[butterflylove]

I think we need to stay away from them 100%. Now, I feel a bit stronger. I know I will regress, as I did last night, and start crying again. Any interaction will make me regress- either if it's "good", and makes me feel loved, and see that he is a sweet, good person, or if it's "bad" and makes me feel like a used, trampled on pos... This is insanely difficult.

I'm also al out two months out.  This is by far the most difficult thing to process for me and just when I think I'm doing better I either see him, or stupidly check social media like yesterday.
I too wish I was with him... .now I say that tonight, but just last week I was in a better mind set and said I would never go back. 

I feel like my head can't take much more... .the last time I saw mine was when he crossed in front of my car ... we are still connected with protection orders ... .he basically got rid of me and posted he is going to go out into the world again... .after being reclusive with me... .

I have no real words of wisdom, just wanted to let you know I'm at the same timeframe as you are. 

[butterflylove]

Spend so many seconds, minutes, hours, days hoping for a text or email, at the same time I'm scared of what he'll say and feel safer with him gone. I decided to stop reaching out. I am so angry and hurt, but miss him so much.

[roberto516]

Spend so many seconds, minutes, hours, days hoping for a text or email, at the same time I'm scared of what he'll say and feel safer with him gone. I decided to stop reaching out. I am so angry and hurt, but miss him so much.

Me too my friend. Today is particularly bad. But I'm riding the waves. I also wish for some communication to show that I was thought of. But the feeling will pass. It always does. 

[butterflylove]

 

Me too my friend. Today is particularly bad. But I'm riding the waves. I also wish for some communication to show that I was thought of. But the feeling will pass. It always does. 

[lovenature]

Hi butterflylove

Remain complete NC, learn as much as you can about this awful disorder, and don't forget just how serious a mental illness BPD really is. With time and learning you will understand why you feel the way you do, recovery isn't linear and you will feel worse before you feel better, feel really good at times only to go back down; similar to the rollercoaster through hell that these relationships take us on, but the only way out and onto a better way of life is to stay the course.

[butterflylove]

thank you. Last weekend he did something that was so painful to me, it pushed me to go NC. His behavior will continue to destroy me. I didn't answer his texts, and any "business" type emails are as short as possible.
Even if his behavior was great and sweet, it would just make me confused and push me back in my recovery.

I removed him from my facebook... .it was too hard even to see him "like" my post. He emailed and asked me "what the hell did I do now?"... .it's always about him being the victim. It's amazing, the more I learn, the more it all makes sense. I think it's so sad. His mom is a very kind woman, and I know he really admired her. I don't know why he ended up like this. His dad traveled a lot for work... .?
Anyway, since last week, I actually feel a little stronger.