I see them as my family and now that I have found some answers to make sense of the hurt and harm they are demonstrating how do I turn my back?
I can see how this would be so tough to answer, especially as you try to piece back your own life.
How do you respond when SS17 tells you how hopeless and despondent he feels?
More so than other mental illnesses, BPD demands that we have good boundaries and take care of yourselves first so we have the strength to support our BPD loved one.
For some people, that might mean a period of no contact to restore strength and get straightened out again. For others, that might mean practicing skills like validation and SET (support, empathy, truth) while asserting strong boundaries for ourselves. More like on the job training
It really depends on what you have in you, your values and whatnot.
With my SO's D20, I have clear-cut boundaries that make sense for her particular issues and mine, including how much I am prepared to give. It's also good to have eyes wide open that you may eventually trigger intimacy issues, and SS17 could split you black as a way to cope. I know that's highly possible with D20 and am also clear for myself that I will be ok if and when that happens. D20 tends to look for surrogate mothers and then becomes so needy she burns them out and they end up blocking her. I have to prevent her neediness from wearing me out by having rock solid boundaries, expressed gently and firmly, with love, and above all with unwavering consistency.
I use skills that I learned here to put responsibility for solving D20's own problems back on her, instead of me rescuing or fixing or saving, which only perpetuates her feelings of inadequacy.