I have to forgive myself

[byfaith]

I am going through a divorce from my spouse with traits of BPD. It's a painful extraction. As I progressively have been pulling myself away from her I realize what a part I played in this dysfunctional relationship.

It's like I let her put a spell on me I was telling someone it's like I let her brainwash me. The key words here for me is "I let".  My wife's behavior in the first few years of our marriage was horrible. I am now just finding out how bad it was when it came to destroying relationships between me and my children and my mom. My kids are grown adults.  I look back now and it seems like I just let it all happen. I have told my kids and my mom how sorry I am. They forgive me.

My mom was in the process about 3.5 years ago of pressing charges against my wife of email harassment.

I am restoring relationships, thank God! I know I will come out of this ok. I still feel for my wife. What a sad life.

[allienoah]

You sound like you are definitely on the right track. I'm sorry you suffered so, and extraction is very painful.
I actually am on the "deciding" board, and this one. I am very confused. I was so close to ending it, couldn't stand the pain, and now he's actually listening to his therapist and trying very hard to control himself when he is triggered. I also think that he is reacting to the fact that I have been setting firmer boundaries and adhering to them. He doesn't want to lose me and is aware that I am not accepting verbal abuse anymore. I also step away from the drama that he seems to thrive on when he is upset. So in many ways I am getting stronger, I am just exhausted from this r/s and don't know that I can truly commit to continuing like this forever. And of course there is the issue that not one of my friends/family will accept him wholeheartedly as the damage he has done during his episodes is etched in their brains.

[roberto516]

I need to forgive myself too. And just understand that I did what I did and I can't change that. I struggle with guilt that I let my anger come out after feeling frustrated that we couldn't have healthy communication and it put her right back into the role of the child being dismissed by the parent. I have guilt that I walked out in January because I had enough. Which kicked up her abandonment, and that was when she made the choice to stay away (minus the recycle).

But logically, what could I do? We tried couples counseling but she didn't want to do it anymore. If I couldn't speak my emotions out I would have eventually blown up at a time and place. And deep down I know I"m better off. It was a relationship of me giving and her taking at all times. I'm just mad that I "fell for it again" after my first BPD relationship. But I have to remind myself that I'd rather be a caring person who gets used than be the one using without giving anything in return. But now I have the choice to not put myself in a position like that again.

I feel for you. Because I'm going through the same stuff. 

[Grey Kitty]

byfaith, what do you feel you need to forgive yourself for?

What you let her do to you?
What you let her do to your children and mother?

Does their forgiveness and acceptance make it easier to forgive yourself?