It has not gotten better for my family

[need a break]

I have not posted in a very long time. I am posting now to those who are still trying and still have hope, and still are spending thousands of dollars to get their son or daughter "better".

We have been doing this for 19 years... .We are emotionally and financially tapped.
Yes to those who will ask:
I am in therapy
I do take anti- depressants
I do have a job
I have tried:
Taking a walk
Yoga
Knitting
Support groups
Reading all the books
All the things that all of YOU people have suggested.
Seems to me its just a loop, a loop of purgatory. Everyone on this board is still struggling, is still hoping.
How low can we as parents set the bar? Mine is in the gutter.
Hope is a very dangerous thing so my advice to all of you is just to stop.
BPD may not kill my daughter - but it has destroyed my life (please do not tell me this was my choice) its was not. BPD is going to kill me - literally and I don't even care anymore.

How many of you wake up and wonder how you will get through the day?
How many of you just want the inevitable to be over and done with?
Dreading any contact with your son or daughter but also being afraid for them?

I wish with all my heart I could tell (especially the newbies) that all of the hard work pays off
Praying they will just leave you alone and stop the torture.


  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[babyoctopus]

I can see you are having a low day. I know them well. I am so sorry. My husband is uBPD. After 23 years we are finally divorcing. I don't know what tomorrow will bring but Oh do I remember those low days.

All I can tell you is. Ride it Through. Today will pass and maybe tomorrow will be better. Its like a sick merry go round of pain- that is how it felt to me- but now I'm getting off. With a child its not that easy.

Praying for you, my friend. Take care of yourself.  

[Lollypop]

Hi there Needabreak

Life's tough and life's not fair and that's a fact

I'm sorry you're feeling so low and I'm concerned about you. I see that you haven't posted in a long while and I'm sad that you haven't. I find being here gives me strength and is helping me prepare for the day when I truly let go.

I realised that I'd become a crazy person, a sick person too. The stress had made me sick. I'm in a better place now but those bad periods come along sometimes. I just invested too much of my life in my adult son to the detriment of myself, younger son and my husband. That's just not a healthy way to live. I know better now and have found myself happiness, despite the problems.

For all the newbies reading this: that's the trick.

We can't fix anybody else. We are only responsible for our own lives and our own happiness.

I'm sorry, truly sorry that you're in this situation right now.

What's happened to bring you back to the forum?

Love to you my dove, gently forwards for yourself

LP

[Beleaguered]

I am having the same day as you.  Would that it be only a day, huh?  For me it's been 35 unremitting years, since my daughter was 12, diagnosed at 17.  Now nearly 47.  As recent as an hour ago hearing rock-solid projection verging on paranoia.  Everything she hates about herself projected onto me, whole conversations and incidents inverted so that it was me, not her.  

Anger, and demanding an apology from me for recent abusive behavior that was hers, not mine.  Taking whole quotes and making them mine.  Making me feel crazy.  But I no longer argue, can't get a sentence out anyway.  For the first time, however, I'm not apologizing and accepting the mantle of her illness.  She's left frustrated and not wanting to speak to me because I'm not rolling over and taking it on in her stead.  She has no insight into this and never will.  That part of her brain has no connection to the other part.  I know she's suffering, wondering why "Mom" is so stubborn and abusive, why "out of the blue" I started screaming at her on Easter, when I remember the screaming very well, and it was not I but her.  And yeah, it was out of the blue.

When she says it's been this way her whole life she's right; it's been this way her whole life.  Earliest signs were when she was 4 years old and became violent insisting that I was in her bad dream and should know what I did.  It's never changed; it never will.  

I finally have a therapist for myself who has some expertise in BPD and DBT therapy, as opposed to all the others who deny its existence, including my daughter's.  Only one visit so far but it looks hopeful for learning some coping skills for myself.  

Maybe that could help for you too?  I too am drained financially and emotionally.  Still working to support her and I'm 69.  Let's talk often and support each other.  Best wishes for a better day.

[Turkish]

need a break,

Something seems to have hit a wall despite all you have been doing to cope... .what's going on right now?

T

[Huat]

Hi Need-a-Break!  I read your post (and Beleaguered's) and ask myself... .didn't I write that a while back?  I'm sure those are MY words.  I know your pain... .been to hell and back so many times with our daughter over the years.    It has been 19 years for you... .came to almost 40 for us before we took back control of our lives.  Slow learners, huh?  :)on't wait that long.  Life can be good again... .WILL be good again.  

Need-a-Break, you are doing all the right things!  Good for you!  Keep doing them!  Take a good look in the mirror... .show that self-of-yours a smile (even if there are a few tears)... .and then give that self-of-yours a hug.  Look after YOU.

In our bedroom are 2 family pictures.  The first one was taken in the 60's... .us with our young children.  The second one was taken in the 90's... .us with our young grandchildren.  We were surrogate parents to those grandchildren as their mother took all of us on a roller-coaster ride of emotions.  We suffered through the times when she would cut us out of her life and the lives of our precious grandchildren.  Sadly, we no longer see those grandchildren (now in their late 20's) because of their mother's hold on them.  Now, finally, I can say, "Oh well!"

I can't tell you how many times I stood in front of those pictures and sobbed my heart out, asking, "Why?"   I would sometimes tell myself to hide them away... .out of sight... .the hurt so great!  

Happy to say, those pictures stayed there... .and I can now look at them and smile because I loved those little people and I know they loved me.   (Our daughter's BPD tendencies started when she was 12 but before that she was a lovable child.)  We had many good times with them, made wonderful memories together.  So, rather than cry and erase those memories with my tears, I eventually was able to get to the point where I could smile and remember.  That took HARD work!  It can be done.

Perhaps, Need-a-Break, you are hoping for the wrong things.  You will never be able to change your daughter so don't waste your time in hoping for it.  It is possible, though, to change yourself and that is where you place your hope... .in your ability to do that.  You change... .you knock her off balance.  That is when you start to take back control of a life that will be good again.

You are doing all the right things... .keep doing them... .have faith in yourself.  You can do it!  Keep posting!  You are going to get lots of (hugs) to help you along your way in healing.

[Lollypop]

Hi

We see lots of topics and threads and occasionally one stands out above all the rest to be remembered; an important one.

Thanks for your post Huat. You say it so very well and from the heart.

This is why we are here. To find a way for ourselves and it takes a long time to realise it.

It's like we have to stitch ourselves back together again. Bit by bit, we heal. For ourselves.

LP

[lindaz1417]

I feel your pain. My son was only diagnosed a few years ago, but it's been an incredibly painful few years. He manipulates, changes history to try and get his way, says hurtful things, and then a moment later seems to be the most "together" person in the world (that only lasts a few hours to a few moments).
I relapsed with all the self imposed guilt, strain and fear. I hit my bottom and finally started changing how I reacted. It is painful and frightening to realize that I cannot save him from himself. But it is the truth. All the money, time and emotional price I paid did nothing to "fix" him. I started staying calm, being consistent with my limits, not engaging in his "bait and switch", in which I am to blame for all his woes. and letting him be his own person. He doesn't like it. But he is starting to realize his tactics no longer work. His life is no better, but mine is. We have given him more resources than many have done. The best doctors, therapists, medicines and financial assistance. He will soon have a case worker and have to live on $750 a month.  He won't have a grand life. But he will have a life.
For me, it helps to realize that HE has made the decision to lie to doctors, not take the appropriate medications, give excuses for not going to DBT, and claiming none of it is his fault. He has accountability for his decisions.
I still mourn the loss of the adult child I thought he would become. I am occasionally depressed and feel very lonely sometimes. I see my friend's children being successful and even having their own children. My dream will remain a dream. However, I see a counselor who is helping me mourn the loss and recognize that I have been destroying two lives by trying to save one. I only get this one life, so I'm now actively working on making it the best life I can every day. I enjoy the little beauties of the world and am thankful today. Hang in there and consider therapy to work on detaching. It can work.

[Gorges]

Thank you for this post.  I don't think it is negative, but realistic.  I guess what in the end you are trying say is maybe learn to radically accept and cope.  I just found out that my daughter quit her job and has been doing on-line sex work for several weeks and earns a fair amount of money doing it.  She told me and now wants to stop.  She has many addiction problems apparently-internet, drugs, sex, food to distract herself from her pain... no friends or boyfriends... .

How much do I try and help her?  I offered trying to find an therapeutic institution type setting... .but even she admitted, would that really help?   I just have a feeling I can't monitor and negotiate all this as it will lead to more disappointment.  She has to want to get better and figure this out.

I found this out last night.  It was our first yoga class together for a month long program we are doing and she told me after the class.  I did not sleep well last night, am yelling at my husband and son because they are not as upset as I am.

A part of me does want to end the relationship.  She seems to be missing an empathy, common sense and logic.  They are just totally gone.  She has gotten worse in the past few years and she has been using drugs.

I just want to give up.

[LoveWinnie]

I'm beginning to think that the only healthy relationship I can have with my daughter is no relationship. We started getting help for our  daughter when she was 14, now she's 23. Things are in crises right now. She's completely cut me out of her life and her 2 year old grand-daughter's life. I'm starting to think this is the only way. I'm reading the book called "Stop Walking on Egg shells. " I'm in therapy, but I have always been in therapy trying to cope with this situation. I don't think I can keep it up. I too feel like this is destroying me.

[Gorges]

I do feel better today. My daughter has a mental illness, BPD.  It is a tough mental illness to have because she can function but in very dysfunctional ways.  It is a disorder that is very hard to be sympathetic towards.  The behavior turns my stomach.  The best I can do is accept and cope.  I hope the best for her, I am sorry for what has happened to her that makes her this way.  I do not see an easy way out or better turning point for her at this point and I do not want to have false hopes.

But I am not alone thanks to this message board.   Huat had wonderful advice-have gratitude for the moments that were good.  They did exist. 

Today I am proud of myself for accepting that my husband and I have different responses to this crises and for stopping myself from trying to change his response. 

I also am taking a break from contacting my daughter.   When contacting her, I feel like I want to change her and I will be disappointed that it is not happening.  Maybe we will do another yoga class next week, but I am not going to push it, because I do not think I can stomach seeing her.  I am just not there yet.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[hdumpty]

No it does not get any better. I am feeling the very same way. ((gentlehugs))
Struggle since she was a toddler. I was so burned out by the time she was 14 and she drank bleach, that I put her into foster care for a year and a half. I had too. We had been with childrens mental health for 4yrs prior to the bleach drinking,  Now she is coming up on her 18th birthday, has basically one month of high school left, and just dropped out. Lying running around with boys her age then boys not her age , full on 2 hour meltdowns all her life. She has no regulator. I know that with my daughter that there is something biologically different. I am a good mother. A single mother who has always held it down for my children. But I am pretty much done. Then there is a full 50% of me that worries about her and loves her so very much. Parenting for me, has been a complete nightmare. It has sucked any value I had for myself because it makes you feel like such a failure. She told me last night she hopes I die. I would never harm myself but if I got hit by a bus tonight crossing the streeet, thats completely fine by me! Lets just hope tomorrow is better. Some days are. Thinking of you all! 

[Hopelessandlost]

My children are all adults, all five of them. My one daughter is diagnoised borderline, another narcissist, and another bipolar. One other daughter I haven't had contact with in ten years I really feel has traits of borderline/narcissism. I have shed many many tears over the years. I left their abusive father 10 years ago, I feel a lot of guilt about even bringing them into the world with such a nasty man as their father. Pretty sure the narcissism traits came from him. In the 30 years I was married to my ex I always thought he would change if I just loved him more, gave him more, just gave him more time... guess what? He never changed but I was losing my sanity.

I think back on that past situation with my ex as I deal with my adult children. I waited 30 years for change with my ex and got none. I have tried everything humanly possible to make it all work with my kids... .and at this point I don't have contact with three of them. As much as it saddens me, I know in my heart that this is best for me. I have been manipulated, disrespected, lied to, stolen from, watched more temper tantrums then I can ever count, yelled at, and yes some violence thrown in, you name it, do I really need that in my life. Every birthday as I used to blow out my candles my only wish was for stability in my life... .

As my kids are all in their 20s at this point, I have to agree I see no sign of change in them, and to many negative changes in my emotional and physical health. Who should I save?... .

[Lollypop]

Hi Winnie and gorges and hopeless

Winnie: first of all welcome to the forum. I'm so very sorry to hear that you're in no contact with your daughter. That must be incredibly painful for you and I'm relieved to hear you've got some support. I encourage you to read as much about BPD as you can (top right hand side of this page). There are other grandparents going through exactly the same as you so you are not alone. Take your time and post when you're ready. Welcome.

Gorges: I'm sorry to learn of this new development. You've said you think your daughter has got worse over recent years ands she uses drugs. That's exactly where I am. It sounds like your h and son aren't reacting to the news and you got frustrated that they didn't. I got told a few days ago that the drugs "are the elephant in the room". He resists and it's so frustrating. We can't change them and until we fully accept that, I guess we will suffer. It's the first thing I think about in the morning and this is a backward step for me. I think I'm going to read up on radical acceptance, fancy joining me?

Hopeless: I'm just so sorry. I don't know what else to say right now. You've been through so much and I take hope from you because you recognise that you've lost a big part of yourself along your way. It's up to you to stick yourself back together. You have Your own life to live and it starts by taking care of yourself,

When we know better, we do better.

Be gentle with yourselves. We have to take care of ourselves.

Hugs

LP

[Hopelessandlost]

I have reconnected with an abuse counsolour that I had first connected with concerning my ex years ago... .now I return again this time over the abuse I have received from my children. First appointment is Friday... .

[Lollypop]

Hi hopelessalost

It takes courage to recognise that we need help and you should be proud of yourself. A first step towards healing for you. Did you mean last Friday or next Friday?  Good luck


LP

[MomMae]

I am so thankful to have found this forum where there are other people who are echoing my own experiences and even thoughts and emotions.  I have felt so very alone.  I have lost friends who learned what was going on with my BPD dd, 20, as we were together when a crisis with her developed (away on a girl's weekend with a group of seven).  I initially felt so relieved to have unburdened to them, and, in the moment, they were all appropriately sympathetic.  Then, as time went by, I only heard from two of them.  Radio silence from the rest - friends I have had for thirty years.  I cannot even bring myself to go to this years get-away, which is just around the corner.  Besides the two that contacted me to see how I was and how my dd is, I can't face the others.  I feel so judged by EVERYONE.  And alone.  Which is why I am so grateful to have finally found this forum... .  I am truly beginning to believe that it MAY NOT GET BETTER, and am trying to figure out how to come to terms with that.  I want MY life back.  And I want to be the best mother possible to my other two nonBPD children without the ever present shadow of sorrow caused by what feels like the loss and rejection of my BPD daughter.   I have spent the morning reading some of the posts here, and just the validation of how I am feeling is the best help I have received in the past year since diagnosis... .Thank you to everyone for such honest and emotionally raw sharing.

[Hopelessandlost]

Hi all, I had my first counsoling session last Friday. The one thing that stuck out that the lady said after hearing at least part of my family nightmare was " you haven't had anytime to heal from the abuse of your 26 year marriage with my ex". Made so much sense. I left him with 3 of my five kids that were still dependants and 2 of them have turned out to have diagnoised personality disorders... .I have never got my neck out of the noose... .I continued to struggle alone with their behaviours that are very very similar to my ex husbands abusive nature ... .who I now suspect has some sort of personality disorder.

I am still at square one which is kind of depressing to say the least.

About communicating with my daughters, I had a friend tell me that if it was healthier for me to cut contact with my ex way back when Due to his behaviours, why is it so different cutting contact with my kids who are just as abusive?  It is for the benefit of my health. Somehow I think that makes sense... .

[need a break]

I may be banned from this board forever but someone needs to tell all of you newbies the truth.

I have been dealing with my daughter who has BPD since she was a small child to present time which she is now 30.

She has been in and out of DBT in patient and out patient since she was about 13.

I was thinking the other day as I was writing her check for rent, how nothing really has changed, how my daughter although she is alive, died at about the age of 11.

She is my only child and I have tried everything and spent all of my savings, 401k etc. to help this poor girl who is a shell of a human being.

So to all you Newbies:

Grieve the loss  for it will be a hard one
Protect yourself to the best of your ability
Know that it is a purgatory of such,  endless pain both everyone
Be aware that if your child had a medical issue you would get tons of support
Do not feel guilty wishing it would finally just end

This has been my journey, we are not better (actually worse) then when this horror show started some 20 years ago

Like me and many others you will know when you are done. I just pray the process doesn't kill you

[MomMae]

Dear need a break,

I am so sorry for the extreme pain that you are experiencing.  I hope that you are not banned as you fear, for you are only expressing your reality as you experience it.  I would rather know the truth, that sometimes it really does not get better than to have false hope.  Truthfully, this thread that you started was one of the first ones I read when I joined here and it did not scare me off... .instead I felt like this was a place where people can be honest.  If we are feeling hopeless, desolate, exhausted, bitter, angry... .we can tell that truth.  Because, truthfully, most of us have been there, and it is validating and helpful to know that others have felt the same... .that we do not have to hide ourselves in shame for having these feelings.

It is obvious that you are a good person and you have done all you can to help your dear daughter.  I hope that you will take a step back for yourself, without any guilt, and just look after yourself for a while.  You deserve to find pleasure for yourself in your own life - there is nothing to be gained by sacrificing and losing ourselves in this process to help our children.  My heart goes out to you, need a break.  I understand and I care.  So much.     MomMae

[BPDFamily]

I may be banned from this board forever but someone needs to tell all of you newbies the truth.

We ask all members not to post broad generalizations, either positive or negative. BPD is a spectrum disorder an not all those afflicted react the same, nor are all families the same. We encourage members to discuss their own situation and general psychology concepts and tools.

2.6 Over generalizing: There are many similarities in the experiences of people involved in high conflict relationships. And, when we feel emotionally wounded, we often look for vindication and validation to sooth our pain. It's easy to buy too far into this "soothing" and lose sight of our role in the conflict and struggles -- and when we do, healing and growth come slowly.

Avoid excessive use of blanket statements like "they all lie?" or posing blanket questions like "why do they all cheat?" or "what were we thinking?". It's healthier to keep your explorations and comments in the first person by phrasing things as "why did my girlfriend lie?", "why did my boyfriend cheat?", And "what was I thinking?".

Personality disorders and traits have a broad spectrum of expression and every relationship dynamic is unique, just as each of us are unique.
https://bpdfamily.com/guidelines#overgeneralizing

2.7 Black and White and Otherwise Superficial Thinking: Everyone coming to this board comes from a very complex relationship and there are many factors for them to consider before making serious life decisions; emotional attachments, children/family members, finances, health issues, and other personal issues. Please read carefully what others say, feel free to inquire further, and offer thoughtful opinions consistent with their situation and their state of mind. For example, if a new member comes to the board, brokenhearted after learning their loved one has BPD, it would be inappropriate to state that this person was foolish to enter the relationship, or is foolish for staying, and that leaving is their only option. Staying in contact, or choosing no contact with a person with BPD is an intensely personal decision, and coming to such an important decision takes time and a great deal of introspection. Each individuals process of contact is both fluid and individual, and should be respected.
https://bpdfamily.com/guidelines#superficial

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Meili]

Hey need a break,

What happened recently that sparked your post yesterday?

[need a break]

Dear need a break,

I am so sorry for the extreme pain that you are experiencing.  I hope that you are not banned as you fear, for you are only expressing your reality as you experience it.  I would rather know the truth, that sometimes it really does not get better than to have false hope.  Truthfully, this thread that you started was one of the first ones I read when I joined here and it did not scare me off... .instead I felt like this was a place where people can be honest.  If we are feeling hopeless, desolate, exhausted, bitter, angry... .we can tell that truth.  Because, truthfully, most of us have been there, and it is validating and helpful to know that others have felt the same... .that we do not have to hide ourselves in shame for having these feelings.

It is obvious that you are a good person and you have done all you can to help your dear daughter.  I hope that you will take a step back for yourself, without any guilt, and just look after yourself for a while.  You deserve to find pleasure for yourself in your own life - there is nothing to be gained by sacrificing and losing ourselves in this process to help our children.  My heart goes out to you, need a break.  I understand and I care.  So much.     MomMae

Thank you for understanding. My intention is not to frighten people but to let them know our journey.
I hope that things go well for the rest of you, I hope that you can all learn to be at peace with this or that even your child adult or otherwise goes into a kind of remission.
As I read each story I am compelled to believe that this is endless.
Non of us will abandon our kids but I think it is important to set boundaries early on, to know that there is very little that you as a parent can do.
To understand that all of us have educated ourselves and here we all are. Still here, grieving for what will never be and the loss of our child.

Thank you so much for the hug

 

[need a break]

Hey need a break,

What happened recently that sparked your post yesterday?

Thats an interesting question. Really nothing in particular. I just am having those light bulb moments of clarity, of what is my reality in having a relationship with my 30 year old D.
The grief is endless. I just wait, wait for her lifestyle to either kill her or she goes to jail. Not dead but not alive.

[grandmas boy]

I have a 25 year old daughter with 2 kids and in similar situation as you except she lives with me. She is keeping the kids away from me as much as possible. The thing Im realizing from reading all these posts is, it doesnt really seem to get better. She is a horrible mother and I have always done a lot to help with the kids. I want her out of my house but I am so worried about the kids. I have made a decision to sort of let her go and stop making my life a living hell. I am trying to take care of myself more and focus less on her. I have decided not to help her anymore with the exception of watching my grand kids. I do fear the day is coming when she will not let me see them anymore as punishment to me for everything that has gone wrong in her life. To be honest I don't really care if she is out of my life. But who will look after the kids. This is so unfair to them. It seems a common thread here in these posts is that eventually after enough years of chaos and turmoil that most everyone is ready to give up. Hope life gets better for you.