Needing support to breakup with my borderline

[Jazzlet]

Hi, I'm struggling with the emotional bond to let that go, it's so difficult and scary , like stepping into unknown territory. I know without a doubt this intense and whirlwind relationship is over, I'm struggling with accepting the reality that the love that I believed in and felt so strongly from my BPD partner is in fact not real, just words. To continue this relationship any longer will destroy us both. I'm an empty shell and can give no more to this man who manipulated me and left me with the financial/emotional/ psychological damage to clean up. Yet, even knowing all of this, I still am struggling with letting him go, wow I must be completely addicted to him. A codependent and a borderline, me being the codependent, I've normalized outrageous behaviour that has caused me a lot of damage. And hurt him too with all my pleading/explaining/raging/frustration/in trying to get my feelings validated or feel heard and understood. I've neglected my friendships because all my attention and focus went into helping this man supporting him being responsible for him. I have two girls and I must be a strong example for them but feel like I'm failing because I chose such an abusive partner.

[Larmoyant]

Hi Jazzlet, welcome to BPD Family . It sounds like you are trauma bonded and you’re not alone. It’s truly painful. Being in a relationship with a pwBPD is intense, complex and inconsistent where we are intermittently reinforced and we hang on in hope that our reward is coming. It’s the elusive promise of a fulfilling relationship that is offered to us but then it’s taken away. Back and forth we go, trying hard, too hard, until we’re trauma bonded.It helped me to know how they form and a good book to read is ‘Betrayal Bonds’ by Patrick Carnes. I'm glad you found us. I've been here for some time and people have helped me through the worst of it. It's hard to break away, but you can do it. 

[Jazzlet]

Thankyou for your encouraging words Larmoyant, I am finding so much information to help in this site. Reading through the detachment lessons now, it's good to know I'm not alone and I will be getting the book you suggested. Educating myself on this and letting myself cry about the failed relationship helps process my feelings. I just miss him

[Larmoyant]

It’s perfectly understandable that you miss him. I still miss mine, but it gets easier. Not sure this resonates with you, but he virtually became my whole world, his needs and wants consumed mine, and when it ended I looked around and my world as I knew it pre-him had disappeared. What is it you miss do you think?  How long has it been since you split? 

[Jazzlet]

Yes that completely resonates. He became my whole world, I endlessly filled all his needs, with complete trust and my whole self. He managed to live here for a full year ( we've lived together for 3, but I left him, got my own place, cancelled our wedding, and lived here the past year with intentions of being on my own after finding out a betrayal to me on his part) but he sucked his way back in and I've financially supported him ever since, getting him caught up on his bills, taxes, rent free job free, sex wenever he wanted, me talked into degrading acts that I'd never considered before, loved him gave him unlimited attention and kindness, believed outragious lies like when he received explicit nude pics from an ex coworker propositioning him for sex and then our driver for the truck we bought for the company he talked me into, told me, then he lied to me for 4 days, and I just about went crazy. This was at the same time my dad and I were stressing trying to figure out a financial mess left to me by this man in the company. This man is dangerous. He was in complete control of me. Yes i feel very embarrassed and in utter disbelief that this happened. That I was so fooled. Believing him, believing in him. That's not even all he did, but I won't go on n on, a lot I've come to realize even since my last post and your reply. I read the free version sample of the book trauma bonds last night, and I'm off to the bookstore this morn to get the whole book. Yes we are trauma bonded. Ive been brainwashed and abused by this man. I am in the midst right now of trying to keep him out, I kicked him out a few days ago, he's away at work otherwise he'd be here because he would not leave. I'm missing what I thought was real, all the tender ways he put me on a pedestal made me feel like I was the most special most beautiful woman in the world, he went to great lengths to accomplish securing my love and trust, but I see now that it was never about me, it was a self serving way of securing more time here with me to take care of him in every way, like a third child, I have two girls and he was the third. I am in shock/outrage/anger stage, and sadness. Sadness that he preyed on me like a predator and I believed it. It was like Edward and Bella as funny as that sounds, he is a predator. This is a very long post but when light bulbs are going off and I'm seeing this all for what it is I guess I have a lot to say. I've been manipulated by a man I was obsessed with.

[Jazzlet]

Part of me doesn't want to believe this is true. Even right now as I write he is text messaging me with love promises of helping out he's getting help etc. My whole reality has been turned on its head. Is this for real? Could another human hurt someone this way? And not care? Please help I'm fighting the need to believe him, yes anyone reading this will think I'm crazy. Maybe at this point I am. I do have a excellent therapist and have an appointment set up soon, I'll need it. Don't know what to think during this soul damaging experience.

[Larmoyant]

Hi again Jazzlet, you’re not crazy, far from it. Many of us here have lived through similar things and can relate. I’m sorry for all that you have endured, I understand the pain of it all and it a good thing that you’re letting it out. I was once where you are and it helped me to tell my story. Seeing a therapist is also a good idea and mine helped me leave an abusive situation. Learning about the disorder allowed me not to internalise the behaviours so much as well. What’s happening today? Did you manage to resist his approaches?

[Jazzlet]

Hi Larmoyant, I've stuck to my guns on the breaking up , but was having a hard day , so I let him have it, even though I know it's not useful I vented all my frustration hurt and dissapointment at him. Text messaging. I'm deep in the grief process, it feels like someone has died, I suppose it's the dream of us and letting go of my hope that it will get better. Sad. I'm sad and he's sad. But too much has happened to even consider trying to make this work. I been doing a lot of reading and learning about trauma bonds and what BPD and codependency is about. It's nice that I'm not alone, I appreciate the support. Rationally this all makes sense and were not even a good fit I don't think, but my heart says otherwise, that's the struggle, and even though he's done so much hurtful things I still unbelievably am struggling to let go of that hope that he may change, but there's so much healing and work to do on both our parts.

[Larmoyant]

Hi Jazz, good for you for sticking to your guns because I know how intensely hard that is. You’re not alone with venting your frustration either. I remember reaching boiling point and it all comes tumbling out. People with BPD can push you to your limit. You mention struggling with hope and it is incredibly hard to relinquish. It’s that intermittent positive reinforcement schedule again. The good times keep us hanging on, and provide hope for change, until the next mood switch, emotional outburst, insult, and once again it all comes crashing down. It becomes an addictive cycle until someone breaks the pattern. It takes a lot of courage to break it and is immensely painful. I agree it feels like someone has died  . It might not feel like it now, at one point I never would have believed it possible, but it does get less painful and you do survive it. But for now keep feeling what you’re feeling, keep reading and reaching out. We’ll help you through it. Have you read this yet?

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

[Jazzlet]

Hi Larmoyant
Well, I'm feeling much much stronger today for the first time in the last couple weeks:) I think having my girls home (I do 50/50 split custody week on week off with their bio dad) definitely helps , gives me strength to see their happy faces and be happy to see their mom not so stressed out! They deserve that and so do I I think the worst of the grieving part is over, the death and letting go of the relationship, and even though I have some anxiety about the future and some decisions to make , I look forward because they will be my decisions not tailored to suit a partner that does not contribute and is never satisfied with anything. I think I am feeling like I can somewhat relax without him here, it feels more peaceful without his dark cloud. Mind you I felt like I was going insane when I first messaged , almost like a withdrawal from an addiction, and the grief, the anger the hurt the dissapointment and betrayal, that was so so hard but I managed, somehow , and I'm so very thankful I did. There will be times I'm gonna cry a bit and miss him, and I'll let it happen and move on. But there are positive things to look forward too. I may never get closure on the questions of the betrayals, but the longer I hang on and argue n plead n explain the more I give my power away. So I'm slowly accepting that. The need to do that is not as strong and it feels good . I am learning a lot of great info from the book you suggested so I'll keep on that. I have a feeling when my girls go back to their dads, and the house is quiet I will feel some sadness, I'm busy right now, but I will allow the grief, and rest period to happen. I think I am seeing more clearly. I saw my therapist today and she's great at grounding me, when I'm stressing n feel all over the place. And coming on here and getting support and just the fact that others have and are going through this so helps me! Helps me to trust in myself again and that I'm not crazy! So, he's still definitely trying and promising and making deals, but I've stated clearly we are no longer together. I'm changing my locks tomorrow, just in case, I know he can be a bit of a stalker type so that freaks me out a bit. I'm on it!

[massagequeen]

I feel your pain. I left mine 3 days ago. there is no way to discribe how he has broken my spirit. and I just got through a year long custody battle that was based on a complete family and am still waiting on the results. the sick part is we were working on haveing another child and Then I was contacted again  by yet another woman. listening to her greive over her loss and the details of their affair . ( she was a victim of his lies also). he hs left me in financial ruin with his impulsive behavior and his compulsive lying , cheating and spending. I need support so bad as he texts and calls non stop begging me to come back. I am so weak and addicted to this man. I am so broken and hurt. but I have to divorce him.

[vortex of confusion]

Wanted to respond and offer you some words of support.

These sorts of situations definitely leave a person reeling. I could identify with a lot of what you said in your posts about feeling like people must think you are crazy. Nope, I don't think you are crazy. I have been there. I kicked ex (of almost 20 years and 4 kids together) out over a year ago.

I have made all kinds of progress and my life is totally different than it was when he left. I have dated and have done some other stuff for myself in the time since I kicked him out. Even so, there are still days when I have those moments of disbelief and find myself thinking, ":)id all of this really happen? Did I really do some of the stuff that I did?"

Every now and then, he will still try to text me and put a line of crap on me. It is becoming easier and easier for me to tell him where to go without feeling guilty about it. Sorry, but I don't think I will ever be okay with some of the stuff that happened between ex and I. I don't care how sorry he is or how much he promises to change or do things differently in the future. I no longer care if I am being a jerk or a butt or something else. I am setting standards for myself and my kids and I am trying to make sure that other people don't come in and trample them. It has taken a lot of time to get there and there are times when I have to do a little bit of fighting to get there.

Changing the locks is a great idea. You may have to keep repeating to him and to yourself that you are done. One of ex's tactics was to badger me until I gave in. I would start out all strong and be like, "Nope, no way, not going to happen." Then, over time, he would wear me down and make promises and I would get tired of being a broken record and would give in. I had to learn NOT to give in. I had to make up my own mind and stick with it and forgive myself when there would be times that I did not handle things very well.

Hang in there! It gets better with time if you can set those boundaries and hold firm to them.