Just need to vent

[roberto516]

Today is not a good day. I just struggle to accept what has happened. I struggle that I did things in this relationship I never did before. I didn't allow my inner self critic sabotage the relationship and give me excuses to run away. I wasn't jealous of her and didn't try to control her like in the past relationships. I encouraged and sacrificed so she could achieve goals which made me genuinely happy. I tried to communicate with her instead of suppressing my emotions. She even said how her father let her mom retire early so I had set up a second retirement account which I invested in to make that dream come true for her one day.

And none of it was good enough. I foolishly left in January as a terrible way to see if she really cared about me. Deep down I was struggling with my grandpop's passing. I asked for support, and even let her know that I think I need more support than she can offer. Not in a bad way, but just to let her know why I needed to stay at home with my parents more. But I guess I felt hurt too. Hurt that it was the first time in our relationship I ever needed real support. And she gave me a day and a half of it. But when I left I unknowingly kicked up her abandonment fears. And she can't see it. She can't see the self sabotage on both our parts as a real chance to uncover things we were bother afraid of. She can't see what joy awaits her to push through those fears once and try to give her love to another person.

And I said a lot of mean things after the two discards. And that's not something you do to someone who was and still is put down by her mother who she desperately wants to win love from. It was a mistake on my part and I let my lizard brain take over the rational part. Just because I know doesn't mean she has to understand it or like that I said mean things.

And I know it will get better. I'm writing a second book, taking up guitar, volunteered with big brothers, got a part time teaching job (my dream) and another part time job (also my dream). I know what's going well in my life. I just can't understand how someone can turn the light switch off on love. I guess I have to accept her love wasn't what I thought love was. It was a love of a parent she was looking for. And the child isn't expected to sacrifice and work on the relationship 50/50. A parent loves 100%. And I guess I failed at that. Oh well, just needed to vent.

[artfuldodger]

Roberto516, I can quite identify with your struggle. I am too dealing with a not so good day today. I am angry at myself for still living in denial, still trying to reason with my Ex's deplorable actions. Like you, I am too filled with self doubt. I know, it is not the best place to be in but let us go through this as well to make our way forward. I hope, the turmoil we are going through helps us reach some conclusion at least.

Also, I do not think, your expectations out of your Ex were unreasonable. What you felt was absolutely justified and that is the least we can expect out of people who we love and who claim to love us. Take care. 

I have to accept her love wasn't what I thought love was. It was a love of a parent she was looking for. And the child isn't expected to sacrifice and work on the relationship 50/50. A parent loves 100%. And I guess I failed at that. Oh well, just needed to vent.

How uncanny, this is! In my case, it wasn't implied but was explicitly expressed by my Ex, time and again. His words, "We can take our parents for granted, we can fight with them, but that doesn't mean they stop caring for us or they leave us!" Needless to say, he expected me to play the responsible, forgiving parent to the irresponsible demanding child that he was.

[FantasticMsDox]

Hey Roberto,

I'm sorry to hear that today isn't a good day. I'm glad to hear about you taking up volunteering with the Big Brother program as well as the part-time teaching position. Sounds like you're a really caring person that likes to help people. As you very well may know, that can sometimes attract people who might take advantage of that.

I know when I got into spats w/ my dxw/BPD I said some pretty mean things. Hell, this past Tuesday when I went NC I made a pettt underhand comment about her new relationship (although I was proud of that ). The fact of the matter is, when someone hurts you over and over again, and you try so damn hard, It's damn near impossible to not react in a negative way.

I understand why you left to see if she really cares, perhaps that's not the most healthy thing to do, but this isnt an inherently healthy relationship. BPD aside, it sounds like you left because you didn't know where you stood and I don't blame you for that. I know after several discards I felt like everything I did was a desperate Hail Mary, just chucking whatever I had at the moment to get some understanding as to whether I was loved or not. If it was screaming at the top of my lungs or just walking away, it's like you're compelled to do something. But, don't beat yourself up.

You gotta make all of this about you. When your grandpa passed you wanted support as you well deserved and your ex was unable to give you what you needed and that's not fair. You've done so much and you deserve someone who will replenish you, not take and take and take, until you're left with no you, left for you.

And parents don't always love their kids. I mean they do, but you're not her parent, and she's not your child. You don't owe her that unconditional love, it seems like you loved her the best that YOU could and that wasn't enough, but why would it be? You, the person before you, or the person after you cannot  fill that void and in my humble opinion, that's not really a fair kind of love to ask of someone let alone expect of a person.

One of the greatest things I see variously repeated on this site is:

"You're in a position to get better, they're not"

and there's A LOT of truth to that. You're a good person because you care so deeply, and I understand the frustration because you just wanna shake them and say: "CAN'T YOU SEE THE PATTERNS? THE SABOTAGE? THE HURT?"

You can only lead a horse to water but you can't force it to drink. Keep up the good work you're doing for you.

I, like you want to save my ex from herself. But we can't. Only they and they alone are responsible for their path to recovery and treatment. We can't control what they do or how they feel, we can only control those things for ourselves. I do find that praying helps (I'm not even religious) but you can keep her in your prayers that she has a moment of clarity that leads to consistent treatment. For me that provides a little relief for the moment. I indulge my caretaking tendencies w/o having to actually invest anything.

Stay strong, friend. 

[roberto516]

Thanks for the kind words. Both of you. It means a lot to hear that I'm not alone in my situation. Much love.