Physically assaulted by BPD ex girlfriend's new boyfriend

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all,

Last month, my ex girlfriend broke up with me. A year ago, I met an 18 year old girl (I was 20) and immediately shared an emotional connection. This led to sex, and my first real relationship.

For the first few months, things were bliss. But there were early red flags that I did not pick up on at the time, or brushed aside as her "opening up to me". The first was that before we even had sex, she had begun to tell me about her abusive father who would constantly accuse her mother of having Histrionic Personality Disorder. Hell, even on the first date she started telling me about how her dad was a strict man who put a GPS tracking device in her car. Towards the end of the relationship she confessed to me that she was sexually abused by her cousin as a young child, leading me to believe that she may indeed have some form of BPD.

Four months into the relationship she said "I love you". When I called her a few days later it was like she was a completely different person, cold, distant, and very rude, so I became confused and broke up with her because I felt like she was playing with my emotions. We immediately reconciled the next day. Later on in the relationship she told me that this incident had caused her to contemplate suicide.

After this incident she chose to reveal to me that she slept with a random stranger she met off the internet in a one night stand in between our first and second dates. She blamed me for this, saying that I had been hooking up with other people as well. This caused me to doubt the entire relationship, especially since she made me wait 3 months to have sex with her (stupid of me, I know).

By the end of the relationship I had been looking for ways out. I couldn't stand the fact that I had gotten into a relationship with someone who had acted this way towards me. She sensed this and immediately broke up with me. For the past month I had been chasing her and chasing her to no avail. She agreed to get coffee with me, and I thought we had reconciled amicably.

Then, two days ago I saw her on the street and pulled over to say hi. She got in my car and tried to make out with me and then called her new boyfriend of a month to come down and beat me up. She ambushed me. I left feeling powerless, defenseless, and with nothing but hatred in my heart for someone who once told me they loved me.

She did later that day call and apologize, and offered to meet up next week for coffee again. I don't think I can face her after that level of betrayal.

The funny thing is, if you ask her, I was the abusive one and deserved everything. I do admit that I did not handle my anger properly at times, and most of my anger and resentment came from the way she had treated me at the beginning of the relationship. I should have left, but I stayed because I believe that I had a fear of being alone.

Looking back, I'm starting to believe that I may have been the one with BPD. Regardless, this breakup has literally traumatized me to my core. I feel like I did everything I could for this girl, and in the end she had me physically assaulted by a larger man.

I really don't know what to do. I have scheduled a therapy appointment for next month, but the only thing I want right now is some sort of validation that I'm not some sort of ___ up, I'll get my ___ together, and I'll live a happy life without ever having to think about what she put me through ever again.

[vividwire]

Hi all,

Last month, my ex girlfriend broke up with me. A year ago, I met an 18 year old girl (I was 20) and immediately shared an emotional connection. This led to sex, and my first real relationship.

For the first few months, things were bliss. But there were early red flags that I did not pick up on at the time, or brushed aside as her "opening up to me". The first was that before we even had sex, she had begun to tell me about her abusive father who would constantly accuse her mother of having Histrionic Personality Disorder. Hell, even on the first date she started telling me about how her dad was a strict man who put a GPS tracking device in her car. Towards the end of the relationship she confessed to me that she was sexually abused by her cousin as a young child, leading me to believe that she may indeed have some form of BPD.

Four months into the relationship she said "I love you". When I called her a few days later it was like she was a completely different person, cold, distant, and very rude, so I became confused and broke up with her because I felt like she was playing with my emotions. We immediately reconciled the next day. Later on in the relationship she told me that this incident had caused her to contemplate suicide.

After this incident she chose to reveal to me that she slept with a random stranger she met off the internet in a one night stand in between our first and second dates. She blamed me for this, saying that I had been hooking up with other people as well. This caused me to doubt the entire relationship, especially since she made me wait 3 months to have sex with her (stupid of me, I know).

By the end of the relationship I had been looking for ways out. I couldn't stand the fact that I had gotten into a relationship with someone who had acted this way towards me. She sensed this and immediately broke up with me. For the past month I had been chasing her and chasing her to no avail. She agreed to get coffee with me, and I thought we had reconciled amicably.

Then, two days ago I saw her on the street and pulled over to say hi. She got in my car and tried to make out with me and then called her new boyfriend of a month to come down and beat me up. She ambushed me. I left feeling powerless, defenseless, and with nothing but hatred in my heart for someone who once told me they loved me.

She did later that day call and apologize, and offered to meet up next week for coffee again. I don't think I can face her after that level of betrayal.

The funny thing is, if you ask her, I was the abusive one and deserved everything. I do admit that I did not handle my anger properly at times, and most of my anger and resentment came from the way she had treated me at the beginning of the relationship. I should have left, but I stayed because I believe that I had a fear of being alone.

Looking back, I'm starting to believe that I may have been the one with BPD. Regardless, this breakup has literally traumatized me to my core. I feel like I did everything I could for this girl, and in the end she had me physically assaulted by a larger man.

I really don't know what to do. I have scheduled a therapy appointment for next month, but the only thing I want right now is some sort of validation that I'm not some sort of ___ up, I'll get my ___ together, and I'll live a happy life without ever having to think about what she put me through ever again.

[Idsrvt2]

Hello, I'm only two months out, but I just want you to know I can relate so much to all you just wrote. 

I knew my x for for years prior on a friendly basis, so when he told me he was raped and mutilated and later told me his father took his virginity and molested him in a bathtub I didn't see it as a flag... because we knew each other, ...

I also wonder if I have BPD... .but I'm in counciling and when I tell her what I texted to my x, she said I was looking for validation... .she also said my x crossed many boundaries
My x betrayed me too and while I was not assaulted he took out s protection order on me after texting he would not... .this lead to me getting one on him and two days in court,,,he delivers mail in my neighborhood... .

I'm wrecked , my life is falling apart  I also was told I was the abuser and they feared me ... I like you reacted in anger and said things when my x would hurt me ... .I regret it ... but what can we do? We can't go back to these people ... we deserve so much more .
Therapy is a good start it will give you a safe place to vent and feel validated . As you talk it out with someone that is trained you will start to see the patterns, the flags, the boundaries your x crossed.
I'm so very sorry this happened and I wish I could offer more but I'm not far enough along just yet

[Mutt]

Hi vividwire,  



I'd like to join Idsrvt2 and welcome you bpdfamily. Wow I'm sorry that you had to go through that, I'm glad that you decided to join us, it helps to talk to others that have walked a mile in your shoes. I completely understand how these break-ups are, I like to how you described it, they shake you to to the core.

The funny thing is, if you ask her, I was the abusive one and deserved everything. I do admit that I did not handle my anger properly at times, and most of my anger and resentment came from the way she had treated me at the beginning of the relationship. I should have left, but I stayed because I believe that I had a fear of being alone.

Many of us here didn't handle our anger properly, including me, a pwBPD know how to push your buttons and they'll push all of them at once, I'd also like to add that anger is good to a degree, it helps us to detach from unhealthy r/s's, I'd hold off and talk your T about being BPD or fear of aloneness, this is your first r/s. Are you Ok right now? Are you being harassed by your ex and her bf?

[vividwire]

I'm ok now. To be honest, I think my ex has her new bf thinking I'm harassing her.

It doesn't make sense because I've given her a lot of space, and there have been times when she contacted me. Again we had a very cordial coffee meetup about a week ago, and she has told me she wants to get coffee again.

I think she just wants to see me suffer in the most brutal way possible. And she doesn't care. When I let her know how cruel she was being, all she could say was "I know".

[Mutt]

Hi vividwire,

I understand how confusing the behaviors are, I was with my ex for several years before I found out about BPD,I got to a point where I thought that I was losing my mind because it was always my fault and I didn't know what she talking about, I thought maybe she is right and I'm having lapse's with my memory. There is logic to the behaviors though, BPD is persecution a complex, the person believes that their circumstances are caused externally by others and not through their own choices and actions. And devaluation, a pwBPD can't see people as an integrated whole with both good and bad qualities, a good person has bad qualities and a bad person has good qualities, you're either all good or all bad. I know it's incredible pain.

From idealization to devaluation - why we struggle