What if I never see mom again?

[GreenGlit]

 I'm hoping for some advice on how to cope. My mom has uBPD  and she and I have had a very tumultuous relationship. Recently with my graduation from medical school and now being financially independent and married to a great husband, my mom has taken my independence as personal rejection. My husband is always At my side, defending me,, and this has also been interpreted as a rejection to her. I could write a book on all the conflicts we had over the years, but basically at this point we speak very little. She tries to "punish" me by giving me the cold shoulder. She has stopped calling me all together, which puts me in the fog because I was raised to always feel responsible for taking care of my mother. In some ways, not calling her makes me feel like I am not for filling my obligations as a good daughter.   At the same time, every time I call her, I'm always an emotional mess. It is just very painful to call her and try to reestablish a relationship, and always receive rejection and criticism. She is so cold and punitive. She plays favorites and adores my sister,  Who has personal issues of her own and has always needed my mothers help.

 I've invited my parents over to our home several times (they live the next state over),  but my mom  refuses to visit. My dad is an enabler and a victim and does whatever she wants. I haven't seen them in over a year, and my mom has made it clear to me I am not welcome in her house with my husband (supposedly I can go alone, but I will not play into that dynamic  of only having a relationship with her outside of my marriage). She never calls me anymore, it's only me picks up the phone, which is becoming a more rare occurrence. I  I am so at peace and happy when I don't talk to her, which makes me feel guilty. There is no end to the emotional torture

 I struggle a lot with thinking about the future. When will I see her again? Will I ever have a relationship with my mother? Should I basically consider that she is dead, and move on with my life, and stop trying to call which makes me miserable? I find it so tragic that she can't find a way to just get along with others. She is alone and has alienated most people in her life.  While I would love a relationship with her, I also recognize it may not be possible. Has anybody had these experiences? How do you deal with this tremendous sense of loss? In many ways I feel that my mother as I always hoped her to be has already died, but her body is still wandering earth and I have to live with that.

Advice appreciated.

[Notwendy]

This kind of treatment is punitive. It is also manipulative. My mother used this a lot and it was scary as a child, and also hurtful as an adult. But she does it because it works to get people to do things her way.

I don't think it is forever, it may be but I doubt it. Over time, my mother has done this many times. Weeks later, she makes contact as if nothing ever happened. I call this the "dry erase" or etch a sketch ( like the old toy) where there isn't accountability for what happened, just a point where she acts as if it didn't happen. Don't bother asking her about it, you won't likely get an answer or a reason.

One day at a time. The solution is to focus on your life and your family. Your certainly have a lot going on if you are starting a residency.  Stay busy. You can send friendly cards once in a while, birthday, Christmas, but don't call , beg, e mail or grovel. The best stance IMHO is neutral- not reactive, but pleasant as if nothing is bothering you.

Remember the push pull. If you push, she pulls, if you pull away but still are in the "dance" it is dysfunctional. Neutral, with the door open if your parents want to make contact is a good position IMHO.

[ijustwantpeace]

i know I feel guilty as I have been  getting help from my mom due to my anxiety and depression issues.  It is a cycle that whenever I get a little happy then the crazy starts and I go back to being depressed.

I don't have too much hope for the future and that has kept me in this miserable condition.  Just scraping by I have no idea if I will be able to every get a good enough job to buy another house, so I keep this one.

People with this condition don't do things out of love they do it to control you to give them whatever emotion it is they are looking for.

Not talking to your mom and you feel happy, same here.


It is hard to value your happiness equal to others, but it is necessary.  My mom always would bring up that honor your father and mother stuff.

The way I see it if you are miserable and depressed how is that honoring your mother or father?  I think that verse means honor the sane version of your mother and father.

Maybe having nothing to do with her, is fact honoring her.

Your not a bad daughter for wanting to have a happy life with your husband.  That just makes you a normal human being.  Unfortunately your mom's happiness is your sadness.

BPD people are happy when they are controlling others.  It does not matter if they completely destroy them or not, so long as their needs are being meet they are happy.

[GreenGlit]

Thanks for the replies. I like the idea of sending cards and being neutral. Not participating in the "push and pull" as you call it. It at least gives me a consistent foundation since I know what I'm going to be doing, instead of always responding to her variable states.

It is manipultive and punitive on her end. So punitive. It cuts so deep. Sigh... .but I try to remind myself it's not my fault.

[ijustwantpeace]

Thanks for the replies. I like the idea of sending cards and being neutral. Not participating in the "push and pull" as you call it. It at least gives me a consistent foundation since I know what I'm going to be doing, instead of always responding to her variable states.

It is manipultive and punitive on her end. So punitive. It cuts so deep. Sigh... .but I try to remind myself it's not my fault.

One tip that helped me was to avoid the phone calls.  She never listened so I would just email her instead.  So much easier to deal with.

[Notwendy]

I don't even try to make any part of my relationship with my mother about me. She isn't in any condition to "see" beyond her feelings. It is what it is. I try not to make any meaning out of it- don't call her being good, or evil, or selfish. She is in a certain mental condition.


Detachment isn't dismissing her or the relationship. It is about keeping my own sense of reality no matter what my mother says or does. So she could say something really mean to me, but if I don't attach meaning to it, I don't feel hurt by it. I can feel compassion, empathy that she is unhappy but it doesn't mean I have to feel unhappy.

When you think of "mother" it conjures up a relationship that comes with expectations, but perhaps these are expectations your mother can't meet.  The difficult thing about BPD is that sometimes our mothers do act like "mothers" and so we want to see them this way, but if their BPD gets in the way, we somehow think it is because we didn't do something right. But what if it was just the mental illness? I don't think our mothers chose this or to be like this, but they are, and we don't have to make it about us.